99to1

Have got close to 10 grand to collect from my expense claims...
Better get crackin...don't want to end up paying any of that on my own. Might have a few more aeroplan reward points now that the credit card has had so much use...

perhaps Europe for Loren and I summer 2005?

Time for the administrators to turn their attention to next year. Soon I'll have some idea about where I may travel next year. I hear Japan is in the pipeline, as well as Singapore.

This'll also make for an increase in reviewing tons of existing paperwork to find out where all the hidden *bombs* are in some of the planning that has already happenned, but not yet made public.

Will have to start researching ashtanga in Japan. I already know that I'll practice at On the Mat, if I get back to Singapore.

Nan has returned to the hospital for a second round of chimo.
I've had one visit with her, it was quite touching.

She told me of a dream she had, she was upset that Pop was going someplace and she wanted him to stay. He insisted on leaving, and when she went to grab him, she awoke...

She had tears in her eyes when she told me that she had tears in her eyes when she woke.

It's not Pop who's leaving

'What Fassbinder film is it where a one armed man walks into a flower shop and asks...
"what flower expresses days go by, days go by endlessly. Endlessly pulling you...into the future?"

And the florist says...'

I brought Nan a tall white lily with several open flowers and about four more buds on the way. She thought is was beautiful you could see her clear blue eyes light up.

The quote is my paraphrasing Laurie Anderson's song from Home of the Brave.

Just visited this site to link to the lyrics...

The song has been embedded in my being since the release of the movie, and I have not, until now, looked any deeper into it's meaning. And I did not consciously make a connection between the song and my gift to Nan until just now...

This is Scott Nickell's interpretation, I hope he doesn't mind me re-publishing it here...

"The Fassbinder film is "Berlin Alexanderplatz," which (I think) was actually a 14-part series for German television. "And the florist says: White lily." In the film, she actually says "A white carnation." When the one-armed man asks why, she says "You asked for a funeral flower, didn't you?" (These are all paraphrases -- it's been many years since I saw this) Presumably, Laurie either just remembered it incorrectly, or delibarately changed it, since in America, the lily is more associated with funerals -- the stereotypical image of a corpse holding a single white lily to his breast. Also, I seem to remember that at this point in the story, he had not yet lost his arm, though I may be mistaken."

And his version of Anderson's lyrics:

# What Fassbinder film is it? The one-armed

# Man walks into a flower shop and says:

# What flower expresses

# Days go by

# And they just keep going by endlessly

# Pulling you

# Into the future.

# Days go by

# Endlessly

# Endlessly pulling you

# Into the future.

# And the florist says:

# White Lily.

Huh...all that emotionally intense stuuf about the Lily, and really I brought her a flowering Orchid...did I originally write Orchid...I wonder...I'm a little frazzelled.

Glen says it's beautiful.

An original thought?
To get that orchid for my grandmother...
Just had a wonderful conversation with my Aunt Hilary. She's a saint (and my God-Mother), we were talking about Nan and the goings on in the family. Nan is talking a blue streak when she has visitors. Par for the course for Myrtle, and she'll usually get you laughing. Hilary said Nan had them in stiches during their recent visit. Mel, Glen, and Mitch. It was a very theraputic conversation...she's a healer.

She told me that Nan adores the orchid. I admitted that one of the reasons I chose an orchid, is for how long they bloom (very long). I'm hoping it'll be a pleasant experience for Nan (she doesn't know flowers) to have these little wonderful flowers keeping her company for so long. Might even help her take her mind off time, and how little of she has. In a way I think Nan's thinking that the blooms will pass before she does (as most blooms would)...we'll see...

Hilary reminded me that she suspected that was why I bought one for my mother when she was dying of cancer a few years back. She remembered that my mother was stunned by how long those blooms kept her company...until Mom's cat ate them.

I had no recolection of having bought one for my mom...

Jeans, no water bottle, no cyclometer.
A beautiful Montreal sunset viewed from the canal wall (no camera either). And a breath of freah air.

It was needed... adjusting to life after India has been rough.

Going to try to reduce sugar intake.
No more toblerone at lunch etc...
Also going to go back to 0.125% fat yoghurt, the liberty 8% stuff is taking it's toll. I had to do something since my return everyone thinks I lost too much weight during my trip...they give me wierd looks...

It's time to stop now

Loren and I had a nice visit with Nan today.
Beautiful light filling her room.
We keep our visits short, so that she has energy to see other people. Nan has started to talk about dying now. She told Pop that she will not be going home. She's getting us ready, herself too probably. Her eyes are good, clear blue.

The orchid is in full bloom.

Have not been able to wake, or practice since returning. Energy levels really low. Probably the damn sugar is helping keep things in this rutt.

Am a little closer to owning the mornings again.

Colin and Hannah
Colin is doing what he does best...

...the Laundry...it's coming up to 10PM...time to get the folding done and sleep.

Loren jammed 5 or 6 jars of a really tasty marmalade today. One of them she did a la Dundee...with whisky.
Ahhh, nothing like a breakfast item seasoned with fire-water.

Was setting up the old trunk as a chopping block to chop wood. Noticed these fungi growing, they are stunning.

Another go at the interlocking brick. Loren did the first two, she talked me into helping her with #3. Cut a new cross piece in, and re-leveled the brick on the upper step.

Check the pencil lines...good thing I'm no carpenter

On my second last day there

On my second last day in India and my second last day practiceing with her

...after meeting Jim and Phil for a beer. I've probably only seen Colin twice in the past ten years, once was at his brother's wedding about 2 years ago. He is still living in Paris, it was very good to catch up with him.

...on my last day in Bangalore

...last weekend in the country with Colin and Hannah

...at the patio door

..from Al for Loren. they were a gift in July and are now re-blooming.

I dreamt that a wounded horse got up to stumble away.
Under the horse was our dog Luna. She was also very badly wounded.
Open scars, torn muscles, maybe broken bones. She lifted herself and headed away, she looked like she was in a hurry, I knew she was going to find a quite place to lay down to die...I called her name several times and the was no reaction.

A beings death is profoundly intimate...
I think that animals know it is best experienced alone

Me Gio and Drew...
Canal wall...beautiful...
Perfect weather... ~13 degrees C, no wind...

After we waited for Loren to get home from work so we could use her keys to get into the garage (where I had locked my keys) we were off!

As it's Drew's first canal wall ride I warn him,
"we might see skunks, fox, snakes, punk kids somking dope, or nude gay men...or any combination of the above...act accordingly..."

Short ride, 53 minutes of pedaling, almost 13km, light kits casting enough illumination to follow the single track along the St. Laurence at 14 km/hr average speed...we got into the zone....the island of Montreal following us along the north side of the trail.
(Time for some uttanasana...my neck is kind of kinked backward)

No injuries though...two close skunk calls...Drew screaming in shock when he came across the 2nd one...
"AAAARRRRGH!!!! what the hell was that!???" he yelled.

"probably another skunk..." I tell him...
"and in case you're wondering probably not the best approach to making sure we don't startle them...they can spray up to about 30 feet...I told you act accordingly..."

"next time yell in a low, hushed, calm tone of voice"

Let's see if I can get to the Mat on time tomorrow. Practice has been almost absent since I returned from India.
Waking dreams are very profound...
skip the drama and get out of bed

Was almost up with my alarm...
Actually in the last two days I am waking just a few moments before it sounds. Have not been heeding the call though (waking and getting to the mat)...end up going in for another hour or so of sleep.

I am getting closer...getting to work before 09:00. Since I've been back from India I've been in a very low state...I wouldn't quite say depressed...though certainly emotionally challenged and in need of lots of rest. I wonder if others have had a similar hard time re-integrating into their lives after visiting India.

Will try to regularly be in bed before 21:30 so that I might recover my early morning routine, which I had firmly established quite a while before India.

From Finland...
Jari is on a world tour for business. He is in our neck of the woods and I'll have a chace to see him here in Montreal. We're heading to the Laurentians to stay with one of my coworkers (Gord). Small road trip Saturday, lunch in the country, perhaps a walk on Tremblant, and then dinner at Gord's. It'll be four of us, with another coworker, Patrick. I don't know him yet. Should be fun, weather is great.

Might have to swim in the lake with Jari...(a little to cold to swim this time of year) it's a long story.

Thank you for your life
For the warmth of your charm and character
For your rhymes and reasons
But mainly your rhymes
Thank you for being the most compassionate person I have ever met
For all the blessings you have graced me with

Thank you Myrtle and good-bye I will miss you dearly

So while driving up to the country Saturday morning, I was mentioning to Gordie (who's place we're going to visit) that my family used to vacation in that area. And that most of the roads we were travelling, I was very accustomed to some 20 years ago. That my being there again was like a prolonged and wonderful deja-vue.

Then it hits me.
And I tell him that the last time I had driven that exact road we were on, was the day before my father died in 1990. I told him of the conversation I had with Glen (cousin), assuring him that there'd be something to do in the city if he came back with us.

My two primary role models and favorite people in the world, the most positive people I have ever met, were my father and my grandmother, and my heart soared in a bitter-sweet sort of way, and I thought to myself that I wouldn't be surprised if she died during the weekend. It turns out that she did. Sunday morning at 05:15.

Thank you everyone for your thoughts, comments and prayers.

Saw Karen yesterday.
(Chiro, ostio, homeo, naturo, NET therapist)
She is a blessing, the help she offers on an ongoing basis is astounding.

We got around to grief.
Starting with grandmothers, linking to fathers and ending up on spousal. Very hard work, indeed at the very core of me. Really helps to see the connections we discovered. Did some work with the dreams too.

She is surprised at how I'm getting through my days with my nervous system in the condition it's in. Also she says it's probably good that I'm not stressing my system with daily asana, as it's too vigorous. She says my nervous system has shut down. I don't know what this means in her terms, or in formal medical terms either, though I do know that this is a profoundly internal time for me. I need time alone, to be still, to just find my breath and some sort of center.
Time to tend to the wounds.

Will have to call Colin and Hannah today to cancel dinner plans for Saturday. Dinner would require too much of a social capacity which I don't currently have, and it is in contrast to the internal quite that I seem to desperately need.

Wednesday night we did a night ride.
Gio, Drew and me. Ideal weather, and conditions along the canal wall.
Did the entire stretch from Victoria bridge to the Cote-Saint-Catherine locks.

On the way back we stopped and set up the cafe...
Fresh brewed caffe-latte and biscotti on the trail.
That's what it's all about.

We were out from 18:30 to 21:30 and spent 1 hour and 40 minutes pedaling...long stop at the cafe.

The moon was huge (no photos), it was the night before full moon and the night of the eclipse. Which I missed, Drew says after he got home he watched it for a while.