99to1

Small gang last night, Colin, Gilles and me...
They they wanted a short but vigorous session. I asked Colin to pick a number between 0 and 12, he chose 9. So we did 6 sun-sals and 9 repetitions of the warrior sequence (from utkatasana to virabadrasana 2...
Then rest... wow! What a session...
Rested to Frautres by Arvo Part... absolutely wonderful wrap-up...

Stillton, 3 creme brie, avocado, good breads, salmon, tomatos, IPAs and Gilles brought a small bottle of Porto... isn't yoga wonderful?

Henri is certainly is (atmittedly) kindred spirits with Loren regarding my communication methods... He all but cringes when I speak more than yes or no answers, he's got a funny nervous tic when I speak, he kind of cocks, or twists his head to the side and his face looks as if he's in pain... kinda funny and alarming at the same time...

Most of the subtilty I percieive is off the charts for him gets and gets little attention during the sessions... I have acknowledged these things as part of my contribution to what is challenging for Loren and me...

How is he going to help bridge a gap when he discards significant observations and subtle reflections and distinctions?? How can I express these important distinctions in simpler language??

Henri's radar seems tuned to the gross... Though he's made some excellent observations and has pointed out usefull comments about depandancies Loren and I share... though not much input merriting the term theraputic... when he's not asking simple questions, and offers insight, he lacks conviction, and appears to be skating, not a reassuring feelng...

The 2 sessions I've done with Loren with one of her own therapists seemed to be much more in tune with the subtler aspects of our relationship. And much more productive... Today another of Loren's own therapists suggested that we ask Henri for his opinion regarding our prospects...

So far Henri's suggestions (after we ask him to outline possible suggestions for how to proceed with each other to ease our tension) have been to accentuate the positive, and to steer clear of trying to connect in ways which have been failing us... brillant suggestion... wish I'd thought of that... wish I'd been trying to bring this about for the last 5 years... though, maybe since Henri suggested it, Loren won't automaticlly shut it down... hate to use this term here, but...
we'll see...

295 tonight it was me and Gilles...
We're officially gathering on Wednesdays instead of Thursdays.
Colin was busy at the shop... and he hasn't even started (accepted) the 50,000 vase order... Christine still doing Spanish lessons... Charles still travelling the world...

Gilles brought black-bean Mexican rolls, and I did grilled Halibut, we had some Organic blue corn chips and some Mrs. Renfro's habanero salsa...
One of the first nights with no cheese... light in a way...
Nice chat about work love and relationships...

Last week (Gilles Colin and me) we played desert island 5... I've been meaning to post the results... the record of the results are lost on my desk at work... Gilles and I passed on the opportunity to replay until Colin was back, so perhaps next week...

Tonight Gilles and I did 5 and 5, followed by the first 6 standing poses, then rest...
Only we did 6 reps with the first pose and worked our way down to one rep. Padangusthasana 6 times, padahasthasana 5 times, trikonasana 4 times etc...
Quite exhausting... nice relaxation... the more you apply yourself to asana, the better the refreshments taste afterwards :-)

Recent evening practice has bee typically 3 and 3 and the final poses (padmasana not hapenning since Helsinki in August... going to try to add 1 and 3 to a morning practice and perhaps 10 minute sit... we'll see...

On the phone with christine, she said:
"...let's get together sometime soon, because soon there's going to be no time..."

Last Thursday night while driving to get saussages and pick up the smart with it's new winter tires, I had a bit of a break-down... I went into a "I can't do this anymore" trip. Then I remembered, can't means won't, then I realized what I was considering and I cried, and cried... oddly as Bill Frisell was playing Hard Times Come Again no More... heavy moment.

Heavy day Friday as well... quite dissociated from my duties and my regular mind...

Heavy weekend after trying to share with Loren the subtleties of the crisis.

Though we did have some nice moments, including an enjoyable walk on Mt. Royal with Santosh, her name kept pinging my heart...

heart...
last session with Henri was a bit of a car crash...
he basically assessed us both as ambivalent towards the relationship and each other, I couldn't find a way to disagree. Which was heartbreaking...
Then it went down-hill... tensions were high and things got confrontational...
This is the most significant and longest state of indecision and confusion I've encountered in my entire life (with the exception of puberty I guess)... it's killing me (and Loren).

In a way I was hoping that sharing the details of my current emotional crisis, would spur us on to some sort of new heights and sober us up a bit and create some tenderness and healing...

We're likely not going to see Henri again and we'll try to get some help with Karen, she's been kind enough to offer...

She's going to relocate to Costa-Rica... and will likely be there by January...
She'll be joining us tonight, and it may be the last time we'll have the opportunity to have her there...

I'm thinking that I should put the entire primay series on the stereo and have all the gang go through it as much as possible, with Christine at the front for visual reference...

Off with a bang no?