Road To Mysore

A new month and a new direction…today I decided to stay home and practice alone. I realized that at some point in my yoga journey, I’d have to learn how to practice alone. I decided that today was that day. It was not one of my best practices but it was a peaceful one. I was at peace with myself. I surrendered to the situation and made the best of it…very liberating. I don’t know how long I can do this…one day at time. I’ve been on this path before...failed miserably. Maybe one day I’ll have the discipline to practice by myself…only time will tell.

Last Monday I watched the latest “Star Wars� movie…a little disappointed. It’s strange how the “dark side� can cloud our judgment...very deceiving. I must have been in denial. My biggest fears has come to light…

Today was my second day of self-practice. It was much better then yesterday’s practice. I got through my whole practice but my mind wandered in the middle. I was able to focus again when I got to the closing sequence. Practicing alone is no joke. I admire those who practice alone everyday. I don’t know if I can do this for the next 46 days. I don’t want to think that far but I can’t help it…one day at a time.

Last week I walked in a Ritz Camera store. The last time I walked into a camera store in Westwood, it was so busy nobody could help me and answer any of my questions. The young lady at the Ritz was so helpful that I was tempted to buy a camera on the spot. I’m not a compulsive buyer so I was able to resist the temptation. I normally need to meditate before making any significant purchase. This past week, I’ve been obsessed in buying not one but two cameras. I’ve spoken to a few of my friends who are into photography. They’ve given me some good advice. I have a general idea of what type of cameras I want but haven’t decided for sure.

The first camera I want is a 35MM SLR (film camera) with a decent zoom and/or wide angle lens. Abby told me to stick with a digital SLR and not to waste my money on a film camera…he’s got some high-end equipment. I was also told that he took some kick-ass pictures when he was in Mysore. In spite of that advise, I still want my 35MM SLR…I’m stubborn. When I was in high school, photography was one of my favorite hobbies. I had a lot of fun with the Pentax ME Super which I used (am I dating myself). The girl behind the counter at the Ritz never heard of that model, she probably was barely born when that camera came out. I had to quit that hobby because it was too expensive for anyone in high school.

My mind was already set on getting a brand new Nikon N75. The base price is $250 but with the zoom lens, batteries, case and etc…it will be about $500 out the door. I spoke to a co-worker yesterday about getting a 35MM SLR and she told me she had an old Nikon with a zoom lens which she is willing to sell for $100. I think I’m going to dump the idea of buying the new Nikon when I see the second hand. I wish it’s still in good condition. She’ll bring it tomorrow.

The other camera I want is a digital SLR. The model I really want is going to cost at least $1,200 and about $1,500 out the door. There is a cheaper one which cost around $1,000. I already have a cheap digital camera so in a sense I don’t really need this one…but I want one. I think it would all boil down to which is more important…a scooter or a digital camera. When I left Mysore last year, I was obsessed with buying a new scooter when I got back. The scooters I road in Goa where sweet but the ones in Mysore were terrible. In a perfect world, I would buy both. Unfortunately my world is not perfect. No, let me take that back…Osho says, “The world is perfect the way it is. There is nothing I can do to make it better or worse.� Bottom-line is my perfect world is going to have to decided between a digital SLR or a scooter or none of the above…my life is so stressful, HELP!!!(just kidding).

Last night I arrived in Mysore. It was dark and different. It was like walking in a dark tunnel. I was confused and didn't know where I was going. I realized I had left a lot of things I should have brought with me. I saw Noah and didn't say anything to him. I arrived at the shala for conference and I was told that Guruji had left for Las Vegas for a wedding. I saw a lot of familiar faces but there faces had changed. I was looking for my apartment and ended in a dark staircase. I ended up in this dark restaurant. I couldn't see peoples faces...it was dark. I finally arrived at my apartment and saw N & K and we looked at each other in confusion. Then I woke up exhausted and stressed...thank God it was only a dream.

I don't know what all of this is suppose to mean. I hope my second trip to Mysore is not a total disaster. I think I've been thinking of this trip too much. It seems like I'm living in the future and the present is just an inconvience. I realize that my life is broken down into two parts. The first part of my life (from January to July) is about making as much money as I can so I can live the second part of my life which is spending the rest of the year in Mysore. Then the cycle starts all over again. I appreciate the first part of my life but I don't enjoy it...necessary evil. How can I enjoy both parts of my life is the question I've been asking myself the past few months. It feels like I'm in the middle of a storm and I've just waiting for it pass. In Mysore, I feel like I'm living in the present at every moment but in LA, I'm constantly living in the future. I'm stressing too much.

I got an email from Kimberly...no this is no longer a dream. She secured Shobha's apartment for me. The chips are slowly falling in place. Knowing I have a place to stay the moment I arrive...priceless.

I went to the REI store for the first time last Saturday...big mistake. My list just got longer. I don't know why I never really heard of this store before...maybe that's a good thing. I guess I'm just clueless. I saw the raincoat I want but the color wasn't there. It was a little expensive...no I'll take that back, it was very expensive but I'm going to get it anyway. I saw a backpack with wheels which I want. I think it would be a reasonable investment since I'll be travelling a lot. I'm going to meditate on that. I saw some Oakley shade which were sweet...no, I'm not going to get it. The clothes and the clothing materials were great. I paid $15 to become a member...not sure if that was a mistake. There's a sale this coming Saturday for members only. I think I'm a sucker...oh well. I'm definitely getting the raincoat, the backpack...lets see, the sunglasses...forget it. Thank God I'm not an impulsive shopper. I did end up buying my friend Nikon N5005 for only $100. It was in great condition. The digital SLR camera will have to wait till next year. I want to get a zoom lens though...more meditating, long deep breath...my list seems to never end.

I had my best home practice last Friday. I was in the zone. I finally talked to J about the current shala situation. It was nice to know I'm not alone. K is in with us too. The rest are happy where they are. Missed practice this morning. Was too exhausted because of the dream. Also ended up in a bachelor's party last night...got home late. I don't know what I was doing at that party...I'm the bride's friend. Let's not go into detail but I got home late last night and when I start practice too late, I'm no longer in the mood. Tomorrow is a moonday, that means I just got myself 3 straight days of rest. I'm not sure if that's a good thing.

I was a moron last Friday. I was in a restaurant with a fellow therapist. While waiting for dinner I decided to show her my Mysore pictures. I brought out my IBook and started showing her the pictures. When we were done I closed my laptop and notice the case was wet. I was wiping it an realized that it wasn't wet. There was a tea light behind my laptop when I was showing the pictures and it melted a part of the plastic casing. I wanted to cry and bang my head against the wall...moron!!! Why didn't I see the tea light. My laptop still works but my beloved lBook is scarred from life. I went to the Apple Store the following day and asked what it would cost to replace the casing...$105. I need to do more meditating...moron!!!

Yesterday I got my first decent paycheck in about seven weeks...it's about time. I've been spending more than I've been saving lately so it was sweet to get this check. I was able to bill 60 hours in 2 weeks...what's up with that. A year ago, I could easily bill 60 hours in a week and now I struggle to do half. If it's one thing bad about being in this Mysore business is that it has drastically slowed me down to the point that I feel like a lazy bum. It wasn't long ago when I use to work a full week in my real job and 12 massages a week. I was working everyday then, taking only one or two days a month off. I've lost my drive and I can't seem to find it. Maybe this whole Mysore business is not all good.

I don't want to beat myself up too badly but at the rate I'm going, I'm going to barely hit my savings goal. I already know my digital SLR is not happening this year and probably my scooter too. I realized that there are more important things I need before those two...oh well. I'm may also cut my Kuala Lumpur trip to 3 or 4 days instead of the one week I was planning. Luke is moving to Bangkok and I was planning on dropping by on my way back for a week. That might not happen too. So I'm giving up a lot of things I can easily afford if I only work but I'm too lazy. This coming back to LA business has been a whole new experience in itself. I'm still trying to figure out what I did wrong. I hate the fact that I can't afford the things I use to easily afford. Is that the price I have to pay? Why can't I find my drive? Where did it go? I need to rethink my stategy when I come back next year.

I'm told that "life is a river" and I should go with the flow. I feel like I'm swimming up stream and barely keeping my head above water. How do you let go? What am I doing wrong?

Yesterday after work I drove to Santa Monica. I walked through the 3rd Street Promenade and then to the beach. I miss walking in the beach. This was the first time I've been to the beach since getting back last January. I used to walk on the beach a lot. I miss living in the westside. Silverlake is cool but I'm more at home in the westside. Chances are, I'm moving back to that area in January. There doesn't seem to be anything holding me here.

My lazy ass hasn't walked much lately so I woke up this morning really tired. I skipped practice again this morning. This practicing home alone business is not easily. I'm going try again tomorrow...one day at a time.

Last Thurday, I had the best practice at home...I was in the zone. It felt good and easy. My mind didn't wander much.

Yesterday was a totally different story. I woke up tired and forced myself to the mat. I did a few warm up stretches. Started and ended my practice with one Surya A. Ditched practice and headed back to bed. I've missed too many practices already, I stop beating myself up. This is without question my worst practice week since coming back. For some reason, I'm not worried about it. Why...I dunno!!!

I got a couple of emails from my shala mates suggesting that I come back and practice with them at 5AM before the shala energy gets weird. Haven't been sleeping well lately so getting up at 4AM to practice at 5AM is a little difficult for now. I'm considering it though. I decided to do one more week of home alone practices before I consider anything else. The whole balance between a daily practice and having enough energy to go work is still a mystery to me. My practice now a days is nothing close to when I first arrived from Mysore. It's been scaled back drastically just so I can accomodated the overrated experience called, "work"...oh well, you got to do what you got do.

Today is a full day...oil change, checking out the sale at REI, a little more shopping, 5 massages (need to pay for the shopping) and maybe do laundry if I can squeeze it in. I'm at the Honda service station now waiting for my car. It should be ready in 30 minutes. In the meantime, I'm hooked up in their wireless network...how sweet is that, blogging while waiting for my car being serviced. It's a new facility too, so everything smells new...really sweet. I've never been know to be a computer techy (in fact I've been dissed by a fellow blogger for being so computer challenged/incompetent...ha ha ha) so learning how to use my IBook has been an experience/journey all in itself. It's still amazes me how technology is constantly changing our lives. I can no longer imagine living without internet. My favorite hangout place now a days has been the Apple Store. I love the fact that they constantly have free classes. OMG...have I become a geek? Naaaaa, I'll never be mistaken as a geek...not that smart.

Today's shopping list looks like this:

REI raincoat....$125
Zoom lens...$160
More sweat pants (favorite outfit, does that meantime I'm already going downhill...oh well)...$35
Travel bag (needs a little more meditating)...$199
Knowing I'm going home soon...priceless:)

My name has just been called. My car should be done...sweet. Next stop...REI. Life ain't all that bad...

OK…I give up. The home alone practices has been a disaster. I think I’ve only had 3 or 4 full practices, 2 missed practices and a lot of half practices (stopping after the standing asanas) in a little over 2 weeks. That’s no longer considered a daily practice…amazing how you can lose your daily practice in such a short time.

So what next…Plan B? Plan B is taking up J & A’s proposal to practice with them at the shala at 5:30AM before the energy gets weird and distracting (let’s not elaborate on that). Yesterday I mailed my 30 day notice to my landlord which means I have about 33 days before I actually leave. I need to salvage whatever is left of my daily practice before I get to practice with my teachers. Oh God!!! Waking up at 4:30AM is something I’m not looking forward to.

Tomorrow I’m taking the day off to drive up to Santa Barbara. I’m practicing with David and Andrea at 6:45AM and then I have an appointment at 11AM. So I need to decide on whether to start my 5:30AM practice this Friday or Sunday…I’ll decide tomorrow.

Last Sunday I drove to Long Beach to practice with Vincent. Yahoo maps screwed me big time. They gave me the most f@#%ed-up directions. I was driving around Long Beach an extra 30 minutes before I saw two police officers and asked them for directions. When I finally found the place there was no parking…there goes another 10 minutes.

As I entered the shala, Vincent greeted me with a smile. I told him I got lost and he said, “Don’t worry about it.�. He told me not to worry about going past 10AM and just do my practice. The room was huge (almost twice the size of the LA shala). The place is a dance studio which he rents in the mornings. The room was nice and warm…energy was good. N & K taught Vincent well…he really understands the practice. The mirrors were a little distracting but I could live with that. Practice was great…haven’t had that feeling in a very long time. I was pretty focus. Vincent gave great adjustments in Mari A, B & C. I haven’t had that since N & K left…sweet. It was worth the drive and will probably do it again when Rhonda gets back from London or before I actually leave. If anybody in the Long Beach area is looking for a good ashtanga teacher check out - Ashtangi-Vincent.net (I’ll put a link on my blog when I figure it out but for now this will have to do).

After practice, I had breakfast with Vincent and two of his students. I met Patty when she did Guruji’s workshop but I forgot the name of the other student…oh well. It’s always nice to have breakfast shala mates after practice. Breakfast was at Mimi’s Café…the muffins are to die for. It was a relatively short breakfast. I had to shoot back up to LA for a massage shift I picked up...need to pay for all the shopping I've been doing.

The REI sale last Saturday was a success. Note to self – next time there is an REI sale make sure to be there 1 to 2 hours before the door opens. I think I’m a REI addict…I love that store. Anyway, I arrived about 15 minutes before the door opened. There must have been about 100 people before me…maybe more. They let us in, in batches. I think the really good stuff was already taken but I got two items I was looking for. I got two raincoats, one for $20 and the other for $6. The raincoat I initially wanted was supposed to cost $125 so I’m happy with what I got. Why I got two raincoats…dunno? I also found a nice hand-carry luggage which was half the price. My list is getting shorter…I think. Oh…when I got home that night, I went on line to check out the REI outlet. I got the slip on shoes for $35 which was much cheaper than the ones I’ve been seeing. I hope it’s as good as how it looks in the picture. I also ended up getting a whole bunch of T-shirts…why? Still dunno (dumb-ass)…oh well...there goes my zoom lens.

Like life...nothing really happens as planned. I woke up at 4:15AM and got ready for my short road trip to Santa Barbara. I left around 5:15AM and was hoping to arrive at around 6:45AM. I was driving at a good speed and was pretty confident I would get there on time. I got to the Ventura area around 6:30AM when suddenly disaster strikes...the 101 was a bumper to bumper parking lot. Forty five minutes later, I've moved only 2 miles...shit, I still have about 20 miles to go. It's 7:15AM and I can see the slow traffic up miles ahead...I'm not going to make it...shit, shit, shit. My practice comprised of not losing my temper...deep deep breaths. I wanted to turn back but I had an appointment at 11AM so I had to sit in traffic. One of the electric post fell down...there was only one lane going into Santa Barbara. I called David and Andrea and told them I couldn't make class but will still drop by to say hi and maybe have breakfast. I finally made it to the Santa Barbara shala at around 8:20AM. I waited for class to end and had breakfast with them. I was so bummed that I woke up so early and didn't get to practice. I was really looking forward to practicing with them. I've spoken to them many times and I have no doubt they are good teachers. What sucks is I won't get to practice with them until I get from Mysore next year. I've stopped counting the number of practices I've missed this month...too depressing. I'm glad I had breakfast with them. David has helped me confront some of my practice issues. My trip was not a total disaster.

After breakfast I headed to my appointment, grabbed a salad for the road and headed straight to the Camarillo Outlet Mall...more shopping. I think I over did it again...I'm on a roll. I think I won't be doing anymore shopping in the next two week. I'm pretty happy with what I got so I can't complain.

At around 4:45PM, I had to head Westlake Village for a wedding rehearsal. I really hate weddings but she'll a really good friend so I couldn't say no. I'm one of the groom's men...or whatever you call that. The wedding is this Saturday...so no work for me. I need to pick up more massage shift to pay for all the shopping...ha ha ha.

I got up early this morning and headed to the shala at 5:45AM. M & A were there. I said hi to both of them and chatted briefly with A…it was nice to see her. It was also nice to walk into the room when the energy was still “pure�. I immediately knew I was going to have a good practice…I could just feel it. The room was still pretty dark and was lit by candles in each corner. I got on mat, closed my eyes, and took a deep breath…yes, I missed this space. I could still feel N & K’s energy in the room…it felt like they never left. That’s what good teachers do. They create the space, speak only when needed and let the practice do its thing. The practice is perfect the way it is…it doesn’t need any recreating. Most ashtanga teachers don’t understand this concept, that’s why good teachers are hard to find.

I eventually started practice and as I expected…it was effortless. I love that feeling. The breath flowed freely and the driste was in place. A told me that she opens the door at 5:15AM. I’m looking forward to practicing even earlier next week. I seriously need to get back my practice before I leave. I think coming early before the energy gets weird works for me.

The past few months I've been trying to decide on where I'm going to rent a storage unit...either in the Silverlake area or the Westside. The future of the LA Shala seems to be uncertain. I'm not exactly sure if it's worth driving Silverlake to the Westside anymore. The only reason why I moved to this area in the first place anyway was to practice with N & K and they're no longer here. I would like to support Peter as much as I can but the drive is starting to get to me. I've never really felt at home here in Silverlake and I miss living in Westside.

Yesterday I decided to rent a storage unit in the Westside. It doesn't necessarily mean I'm going to live back there when I come back but chances are I'm heading back that way. The unit I got is close to my last apartment, close to the Hari Krishna restaurant, India Sweet and Spices and etc...my old stomping ground. I feel at home there. Since I was in that area, I had to have dinner at Govinda's...haven't been there in a while. Not good... ate too much, oh well.

Now that I have a storage unit, I start the whole process of packing my things in boxes, sorting through the junk and deciding which need to be thrown away or given to Goodwill. This process can be emotionally draining. Today, I hope to pack up my winter clothes and camping gear.

Why do I seem to be meeting the most interesting people a few weeks before I leave? It happened to me in Mysore and it's happening to me again. I've been spending whatever time I have with C lately. I really enjoy her company and I'm sure she enjoys mine too...that's my hope anyway. The thing is, I'm so busy between work and preparing for my trip and she's really busy entertaining her mom and her work so our time together has been limited. Her mom leaves on Wednesday for France so maybe we'll spend some time together. By then, I'll have less than 3 weeks before I leave. The weird thing is...I have not expectations, which ever way the winds blows. If something good is going to happen between the two of us, then I'm happy. If nothing happens, I'm happy too. I'm going to be in Mysore anyway and I know I'm going to have a blast. The thing that bothers me though is that if I wanted something good to happen, I could make it happen but in most days I'm too tired to do anything. I could have met up with her in Hermosa Beach yesterday but I was too tired/lazy to drive...what's wrong with me? Anyway, let's see how it plays out.

I’m waiting for the elevator when one of the senior partners of the firm comes over and waits for the elevator with me. I’ve only worked with him once since joining this firm last February so he doesn’t really know me.

He say’s, “How are you doing?�

I answer, “I’m fine thank you.�

He caught me by surprise when he continued, “So how many hours are you working for
us? And how many hours on your own?�

For some reason, I didn’t understand the question. I thought he meant something else so I said, “What do you mean?� My mind was floating somewhere else.

He repeated, “How many hours are you working for this firm and how many hours are you working independently?� We enter in the elevator.

I told him, “I work 30 hours a week and none independently.� I wasn’t going to tell him I did massages on the side so I left it that way. He looked surprised so I continued, “I live very simply.�

He answers, “I want your life.� And added, “Keep it simple.�

I said, “I intend to.�

This little exchange really caught me by surprised and got me thinking. When I started this journey about a year and half ago, I really didn’t know what I was doing, where I was going or know what I had intended to accomplish. All I knew was that I hated the direction my life was going. I hated my life…I wanted somebody else’s life. I needed to make a change.

Since getting back from Mysore, my life has been up and down…more down than up. A few of my friends have emailed me saying that my blog entries have been mostly negative. Yeah…I’ve been going through some bumpy roads and taking some hits (adjusting back to LA has been a killer, moving to Silverlake and driving to Brentwood hasn’t been pleasant, gaining weight during tax season has affected my practice and energy level, my teachers leaving was a shock I’ve finally accepted, adjusting to the new shala and the weird energy, losing my daily practice and not making as much as I was hoping to are the things I’ve been dealing with since getting back) but I won’t trade my life for anybody’s life. Even for a senior partner’s life that’s making at least 6 times what I’m making. Thanks M…you made my day. I may be doing something right after all.

Today was my 3rd straight day of practice. I haven't done that in about a month. It's amazing how you can easily lose your daily practice. I think I'm back in the grove again and hopefully I can sustain it. Hats off to those who can maintain a daily practice outside of Mysore. Especially those who practice alone. It's much harder than I expected. One day I hope I can say that I've had a daily practice for 5 years straight or more but for now I can only take it one day at a time.

Got up much later than I planned to. Started practice at around 6:30AM...much too late if I want to avoid the weirdness. Since practicing back in the shala, M has left me alone and hasn't spoken to me during practice. I don't make eye contact with her so she stays away. M got a hold of me today at navasana. She explained and showed me how to lift up and jump back. I smiled, thanked her, let it out of the other ear and continued my practice. I know she means well but she talks too much. When N & K would talked to us during practice, it was always short and concise. They know not to disrupt the flow of the practice. K would always tell me, "It's not about the asana." or "maintian your breath" or "FOCUS!!!" when my mind starts to wander. The asanas will eventually fall in place on it's own. I don't worry to much about asana I can't do. I have a lifetime ahead of me. I know I'll get there one day. When? It doesn't really matter, it will happen...I know it will. Sharath once said to a second series student when she did an asana she wasn't supposed to do, "Why are you in a hurry?" Guruji always says, "1% theory, 99% practice". What part of that, do you not understand?