The Downside to Ashtanga
I have 2 and a half more weeks before my life goes back to normal. I'm supposed to be working only 55 hours a week but I've been doing 60 instead. No, I didn't want to do 60 but the amount of work they are forcing on me does not equate to a 55 hour week. This whole employee thing has not worked out the way I planned it. I'm so exhausted and my brains are fried when I head home around 10PM. I've been working full days on Saturdays and about half a day on Sunday. It's much harder to say no to work when you’re not an employee. I miss the independent contractor days. Something seriously needs to change. It's only a question on when.
This work schedule has also drastically affected my daily practice. I'm constantly rushing to finish practice and now a days it's much shorter. Mysore is such a paradise when it comes to practicing. You can give it everything you have everyday and not worry about work or rushing to go someplace. I can't wait to head back there. I have 7 more months to go before that happens. It feels like centuries away.
Today I spent most of the day staring blank at my computer and fighting a headache. I couldn't get much done. At one point, I headed to my car and passed out for 20 minutes. I was barely getting through the day. I seriously need to figure out how I'm going to bill my time today.
If there is a downside to this practice, it has slowed me down. I can no longer find the drive to work harder or do more in a day. I don't believe it has anything to do with age. I feel like I'm slowly floating through the day while the rest of LA is passing by me. It was not too long ago when I could go to practice, take a shower and head straight to work. Nowadays I'm on my own pace and the rest of the world can go to hell. There no longer seems to be a sense of urgency or desire to get much done. It will get done when it gets done and I'll get there when I get there seems to be my philosophy. For the most part this philosophy is fine but when you set goals to save X amount, it doesn't work very well. I don't know exactly when I lost all that drive. I think it started after my first trip back from Mysore. It didn't happen instantaneously. It was more gradual process and it's getting worst. Don't get me wrong, I see the benefits of slowing down but I wish there are times when I can just turn on a switch and get back into that upbeat tempo. I feel like I'm in constant slow motion.
About 3 weeks ago, I felt like I had hit rock bottom. I had 3 partners wanting their work done first. Each one then kept coming by asking me when their work will get done. I told one partner to talk to the other partner so that I could prioritize the work. None of them wanted to talk to each other and each of them insisted that their work was a priority. I was tempted to tell all of them to just f###-off but managed to keep cool. At that time I needed something to hold on to. Mysore was 8 months away and for me to tell myself that everything will be alright. I needed to get away from LA even if it's just a week or so. I wanted to look forward to something and maybe justify why I'm killing myself here.
That day, I sent an email to my friend Gabriele and ask him if I could visit him for about 10 days. He didn't reply right away because I used an old email address but when he got back to me he simply said, "Come over, see you soon." It sounded so easy so I went on-line and booked my flight. I can't believe I planned my first trip to Europe in less than 12 hours. I woke up at 6AM and got his email, by 2PM that same day, I got permission to take 9 days off from work, arranged for my brother to drop me off the airport, keep my car, pick me up and I booked my ticket. So the thought of going to Rome on April 19 is what's getting me through the next two and a half weeks. Tax season officially ends on April 17 this year…it's so close but it feels so far.