The smallest things
I ended up going out to see my friend last night. It was freezing cold and it took her a wee while before see spun passed the train station to pick me up. I was frozen but grateful of my woolly blue hat that I'd bought from the sellers at Om cafe in Alia's. We'd planned to do some yoga together, I've been helping her out where I can over the last few months but I could tell that she wasn't much into doing anything as it was getting late and she looked pre vacation happy and to be honest I'd had a pretty shitty week myself, so when she suggested we skipped practice and go grab something to eat I was kinda relieved too! Thing is I ended up leaving my hat in the pub. My Mysore hat and even though I phoned them back they said it hadn't been found. I know it's not significant by any means of the world but it took me by surprise how attached I was to it.
I know there's people dying in the worl, people desperately poor and hungry, and yet here I was getting all caught up in my hat. Ok it was damn freezing waiting for the train to go back to London but I can always get another hat. It just struck me as strange how much significance I'd put on it without even realizing till it was gone.
My friend that I ate with is all into 'carpe diem' at the moment and I'm beginning to see the point though she took it quite literally last night when I turned up with some flowers for another friend who I kinda liked and she started thanking me for them.
Next thing I knew she had them unwrapped and in a vase on her mantle piece! I didn't have the heart to tell her they were actually meant for someone else!
So I'm feeling a bit blue today. Valentines has never been one of my favourite times of year and so far this one hasn't worked out how I imagined either. I've been kinda messed up in my head a little since getting back from mysore and I've been finding it hard to break out some of my old thought patterns that have brought me so much heart ache in the past
It's not as if I don't realize what's going on. I've been here several times before after all, but it would be really nice if it all turned out a bit different this time around. I'm way over due some good fortune, especially when it comes to affairs of the heart, though I wish sometimes that I just didn't get so all wound up about the feelings I have inside. All the little thoughts that kick off inside my head - what if this happens, or that? Or maybe if I just did this perhaps it would be different - they can keep me awake so long into the wee small hours. Yeah and the yoga teaches non attachment I know but I'm beginning to wonder if I'll ever get to share my heart and my love with another person again. It all seems such a waste.
So I suppose I just gotta do what I've done before. Suck the next breath in, step the next foot forward and try and be as open as possible to what happens, good or bad. If there's anyone listening up there, though, I could sure do with a helping hand.