Woke up this Morning

Nice and slow

I might take this easy, seeing as how it's been a while since I wrote on here. Find my way back into a grove, or find that there's no real grove there after all and give up on this for good. Will just have to see what comes out of the woodwork, out of the finger tips onto the page. There's certain things that I'm not going to write about, the things that made me stop writing this blog in the first place, atleast for now anyway, just to make sure that I'm not incriminating myself here or further down the line. We'll see.

Small steps and all that.....

Just a test. I'm not promising anything

Hello, hello. Anyone out there ??????

Happy birthday Mum

Ha, it's easy to remember my mum's birthday as it's St Patrick's day.

Happy birthday to you !!!

xxxxx

6 long weeks finally over.

It's taken a lot longer than I expected, and I've ended up going for a place I would've been pleasantly surprised if you'd told me at the start of all of this, but tomorrow afternoon I'll be moving in to a new flat in the outskirts of the big smoke.

6 weeks of sharing dorms and bunks with all sorts of weird and wonderful people is finally coming to and end. How comes there isn't a reality show showing the going-ons in these sorts of places????

Anyways, I'm about at my wits ends so finally being able to lay my hat down somewhere and say I'm going to be here for the next couple of months, and certainly over the summer, has come as a great relief. Finally I may get a decent nights sleep!

Still here

but staying mum.

there's kinda been a lot of stuff going on recently. lots of really nice stuff. No, not that sort. I kinda feel that blogging just now's just not the right thing for me to do, kinda, well, atleast for a little while anyway, until the dust settles.

It's been kinda boring not to put anything down in writing for a while, but it's been liberating in it's own way in that I've not had to think terribly hard about what I'm going to say as I've pretty much said nothing.

Silence can be good, if a bit shit for the number of page hits...

Subject to contract..

I'm trying not to get too excited about this as I don't want to count any chickens and all, but I've a good feeling that the 5 week long flat hunt may finally be over.

Looks like I'm heading back to the hill.

Sleep.......

It's been a strange experience to stay in the backpacker hostel this time around. Strange in the sense that I've never come across so many 'different' people before. The Argentinian guy who would literally follow you around the dorm, the Australian girl who must've been mid-30s but acted like she was 18 by getting so drunk she didnt even remember any of the 3 different guys she brought back on 3 different nights, the irish guy who said he was australian, giggled in his sleep and got up from bed 4-5 times a night, jumped down put on his coat and banged the door waking everyone up, the 2 brazilian guys who never came back before 4am and talked for atleast 30 minutes across bunks when they did, the swedish girl who sat up most nights watching old video re-runs (thankfully with her ear plugs in), and the new girl who turned up last night, went to sleep for an hour, got dressed in an outfit that wouldn't have looked out of place in the Rio Carnival, who also was quite happy walking around in her rather small g-string. I've asked 2 guys why they are talking to themselves, 2 others to stop banging the doors, chuck 1 guy out of the room for practically molesting the Aussie girl, and help 1 girl off with her top as she was too drunk to get it up over her head. I've been averaging about 4 hours broken sleep every night and it got to the point where I was almost falling asleep mid-practice at H's. I had to take the last 2 mornings off as 5-8am's the quietest time in the dorm (after the brazilians finish their chat). The funny thing is I made friends with a good guy from Brazil up in the lounge. He let me have a shot of his guitar and he always stops and asks how things are going. He's funding his travels round europe by finding places that do drug trials and the like. He's currently in London helping on a sleep depravation clinical trial. I'm thinking of going along so I can get some sleep.......

Flat hunting

I'm now into my second dozen of flats that I've looked at. I'm beginning to think that the more expensive a place is in terms of rent the less the landlord gives a shit about the place and is just interested in getting his money from you. I've seen so many places where if you asked the landlord whether they'd let their own son or daughter live in their places they'd undoubtedly say 'no' they've been so bad. It's a real spam valley some areas as well, where it's so expensive all you could afford to eat afterwards is the cheapest of the cheapest food. I'd really like to meet someone who can actually afford to pay £4000 rent each month. Having said that I've been amazed by the generosity of people I know who once I've told them that I'm looking for somewhere to stay have turned round and put me in touch with a friend or a relative that has a place or a room. So the search goes on. Another place this evening, a bit out of town admittedly, but atleast on paper it looks quite fabulous. As long as it has a sink that's bigger than my hand like the last place had, it'll be an improvement. On the yoga front I'm beginning to get stuck in to garbled pindasana at last. The arms are getting closer to getting through though my arm and leg muscles are making it somewhat difficult. It's good to get back to atleast giving it a go, the weeks I missed either being in Glasgow or in Mysore where I couldn't practice it kinda show. Still, little by little progress is being made. I've yet to endure the bruises on my arms that I've seen some people get though that's probably still to come....

The smallest things

I ended up going out to see my friend last night. It was freezing cold and it took her a wee while before see spun passed the train station to pick me up. I was frozen but grateful of my woolly blue hat that I'd bought from the sellers at Om cafe in Alia's. We'd planned to do some yoga together, I've been helping her out where I can over the last few months but I could tell that she wasn't much into doing anything as it was getting late and she looked pre vacation happy and to be honest I'd had a pretty shitty week myself, so when she suggested we skipped practice and go grab something to eat I was kinda relieved too! Thing is I ended up leaving my hat in the pub. My Mysore hat and even though I phoned them back they said it hadn't been found. I know it's not significant by any means of the world but it took me by surprise how attached I was to it.

I know there's people dying in the worl, people desperately poor and hungry, and yet here I was getting all caught up in my hat. Ok it was damn freezing waiting for the train to go back to London but I can always get another hat. It just struck me as strange how much significance I'd put on it without even realizing till it was gone.

My friend that I ate with is all into 'carpe diem' at the moment and I'm beginning to see the point though she took it quite literally last night when I turned up with some flowers for another friend who I kinda liked and she started thanking me for them.
Next thing I knew she had them unwrapped and in a vase on her mantle piece! I didn't have the heart to tell her they were actually meant for someone else!

So I'm feeling a bit blue today. Valentines has never been one of my favourite times of year and so far this one hasn't worked out how I imagined either. I've been kinda messed up in my head a little since getting back from mysore and I've been finding it hard to break out some of my old thought patterns that have brought me so much heart ache in the past

]]> It's not as if I don't realize what's going on. I've been here several times before after all, but it would be really nice if it all turned out a bit different this time around. I'm way over due some good fortune, especially when it comes to affairs of the heart, though I wish sometimes that I just didn't get so all wound up about the feelings I have inside. All the little thoughts that kick off inside my head - what if this happens, or that? Or maybe if I just did this perhaps it would be different - they can keep me awake so long into the wee small hours. Yeah and the yoga teaches non attachment I know but I'm beginning to wonder if I'll ever get to share my heart and my love with another person again. It all seems such a waste.

So I suppose I just gotta do what I've done before. Suck the next breath in, step the next foot forward and try and be as open as possible to what happens, good or bad. If there's anyone listening up there, though, I could sure do with a helping hand.

Valentines day here already?

It seemed like only yesterday that I was sending off flowers to a girl I really liked.

Huh. I guess some things never change.....

Nothing going on...

which of course means there is, but I just don't want to talk about it, least not here anyways.

Thoughts of home

Well, I hate to say it but it's coming to the end of my trip here in Mysore. I haven't blogged as much as what I wanted to this trip, but there again there's a whole bunch of things that I said I'd do this trip that I just haven't gotten round to doing. I did, however, manage to fall asleep on the living room floor yesterday for about 40 mins or so which was really nice. I should really try and do more of that before I head home as there's not going to be much chance of doing that when I'm there. It's beginning to get a bit annoying all the people asking if I'm having a leaving lunch or a get together before I go. I can see now why my friend Joey just wanted a handful of friends over to do something quiet and go in peace. It can get a bit crazy. I said to the flatmate and her 2 friends to come over last night for a bite to eat (I cooked) as it would probably be the last time I'd have some peace and quiet before I leave. It makes it in to this big hoo-haa and that's something I can do without. I had a really nice long chat with some close friends last night for a few hours. It's nice to spend the time to get to know them better and 'shoot the shit' as we said. Anyways. I'm looking forward to being back with H at the shala. It will be nice to see if I can carry the improvements I've made here back to the big smoke. I'm also really keen to get back to back bending and some much needed assistance in supta-k. There's lots to be done before I get back here, maybe as soon as this Xmas!...

More...

Sometimes it's easy to forget that I'm actually on holiday and not to be too hard on myself when I spend the whole day doing nothing. Well, okay, it's not actually nothing, it just feels like nothing. Unless of course you consider watching Sex and the City movie 'nothing' (it's no where as good as the series and is way far too long). Today I felt a bit better. I've felt a little disjointed lately, maybe because I marked my friend's arrival on tuesday as the beginning of the end of my stay here in Mysore or this trip and after she gets here it's the winding up time to going home. I guess all things come to an end but again I'm beginning to feel a bit envious of the people who are staying here for 2 or 3 months. There's a continual stream of new faces around the shala door in the morning, and I only know of about 2 or 3 other people other than myself that are leaving. Still, it's one day closer to the trip where I actually do get to stay longer than 5 weeks. All being said. My mind always wants more.......

Change is coming

My friend gets in from the UK on tuesday morning. It'll bring some light relief from the Groundhog days here at the moment. I'm beginning to get into that same rut that I did the last time I was here when I found myself getting a bit bored of the same-o same-o ness of each day. That dreaded question - 'What are you doing today?'. Today I feel like doing nothing at all. Which, of course, is 180 degrees away from what my mind actually wants to be doing: going to the river, Chamundi hill, shop for avocados, coffee quest, scootering around down town, crashing in the sun by the pool, generally anything to keep myself occupied. I've got things I need to be doing, projects that I really should be moving forward, but that light at the end of the tunnel's beginning to show. The one that says 'exit here for going home' on it, and I've got to remind myself I've only 2 weeks left here before I leave and I really should be making more of my time here before I leave. Still, with my friends arrival I'll have a different focus for my time for a couple of days whilst she gets settled in and I show her a few things around the neighbourhood, but even with that too, there comes a point where I'll have to let it go and get back to my own state of affairs. I can see why people take on a lot of things here, and why some, like me, end up doing very little. Trying to unwind and relax, to let go, is proving harder than I thought....

Jump, jump

Second day of Mysore classes, second day of being in a drafty part of the shala. Yesterday I was in front of the office door, which was kinda nice as there's a bit of a breeze of fresh air coming in from the windows. Today I was on the marble at the very back of the class. It's kinda hard there to keep drishti as you can literally see everyone in front of you doing all sorts of weird and wonderful shit, it's kinda easy to just plod along watching what people are doing. There's quite a bit of traffic passing that way on the way to the changing rooms too, and when you get to seated postures it can be kinda cold. The girl practicing on my left started backbend prep when I could see Sharath looking straight at me and he's saying 'Bakasana B, you take. You take'. It's kinda obvious he's not talking to me I'm so far from getting to that posture I'd be lucky to get there at all this lifetime, so I looked down at the girl and said that I thought he was talking to her. When she sat up Sharath repeated "Bakasana B', and she said to me in a really low voice, 'What's Bakasana B?'. I was kinda surprised she didn't know what it was so I told her what I knew, jump from down dog so her knees are on to the back of her elbows. She went, 'like this?' as she place one knee on her elbow, using the other as a stabalizer. Yeah, but both knees at the same time. 'Jump, jump!' Sharath again. Then the penny dropped and she did a wee hop and landed it first time, knees on the back of her triceps, took a good couple of deep breaths, just like she'd been doing it forever. I got kinda mashed by the girl on the other side when she was doing her 9 rolls around her mat. Totally wasn't her fault as there's not much room back there, but I was kinda worried she'd knocked her head a bit when she clunked me. Thankfully when I asked her outside she said she was ok, happens all the time. I've just returned from my first deep tissue massage here. Wow, it was so super good. I kinda feel my back is sore and getting a bit stiff, so I'm sure practice is going to be a bit fun tomorrow. I haven't had a massage in like 3-4 years and I so desperately needed it. Thankfully I could afford a series of 5 so with any luck it might help me open out a little bit more while I'm here....