Dena has been talking a lot about how we relate to others in the world around us. How much we give, selflessly.
I struggle with giving sometimes. I give unconditionally to my children, that I know. I look at each of them, each of them as an individual, and wonder what thoughts they have had, have now, and will have at later times during their life journey….I wonder and hope that at least some of them they will share with me, they will want to share with me and feel that they can. I want them to ask me for help when they need to, without batting an eye. I want them to also grow up loving each other and the people that enter their lives with an open heart. I want all these things for them…and I suppose for myself. At this point I wonder is this a selfish thing…..do I get something out of that? But then I turn back and look at myself again, assess as best I can what my motivating feelings are. With my children I feel this is true, unconditional love.
But with other people I do not feel this necessarily. So why is that? My children do hurt me from time to time. They do not listen or pay attention. They get upset and hit or scream at me. They get so angry. I feel terrible. But it does not matter. With other people, I do not feel the same however. I hold onto negativity. I let things get really wound up in me, resentment and anger. I find it hard to write off the behaviour as easily as I do with my children…I do not try to understand...so then I wonder, is the unconditional love I feel for my children all that I am capable of. Am I maxed out? Sometimes I certainly feel that all the energy that I contain at a given moment is given over to them, freely. But none-the-less it is gone.
Mothering is so wonderful. I would not change it for anything. At the same time there a balance that must be met so that I can give to more than just them. How do I figure out how to do that? Sometimes it feels like every possible ounce or even thought of an ounce of giving that is within me is given already to them…and then what? What about my partner, my friends, family…what about the STUFF we all must deal with in order for our households to function, the practical stuff….some of which is easy and some of which is not so easy. The energy…where is it supposed top be? And if we can not find it, are we more edgey, less patient than we want to be?
I am going to try and step back from my usual routine, my usual response and attempt to be more giving. Maybe that means I protect myself a bit more, so that I am not completely ravaged by the attention seeking of my kids and can be more patient and open to everyone else.