Ashtanga Traveler

Friday April 30th, 2004

I have been really impressed with the writing styles of many of the other bloggers that I read regularly. The funny thing I noticed though was that as I am reading their words, they sound American, or perhaps I should say they sound like New Englanders. Now clearly each person who is writing has their own accent….most likely not like my own. I guess it just struck me as funny.

I thought I would try to write a bit down about my practice this morning while my kids were “occupied” with The Tigger Movie…..but wouldn’t you know they are both now doing roley-poleys (forward roles) on my bed next to me right now. HHH is now kissing the computer trying to convince me that he will not bother me or it while I write….yeah right.

I will give it a try…….

Things were going pretty good…..until I got to Utthita Hasta Pandagustasana…and then forget it…I actually toppled over on my left side. I was not sure what this would mean for the rest of my practice, but things turned out okay. I am quite eager to be moved along some more in intermediate, but I guess I should not hold my breath. Garbha Pindasana into Kukkutasana was quite seamless, I am not sure if I did the target 9 rolls, cuz I stopped counting, but it felt really good, easeful. I cannot jump through in lotus ( in fact regular jump throughs are a challenge), so I make the attempt, end up on my knees then place my hands in front of my and go into Peacock to unfold my legs and end up in Chaturanga Dandasana.

Saturday the 1st of May, 2004….Happy May Day!

I did not sleep well at all last night. I was anxious about my first day….the start of my yoga teaching apprenticeship. Plus, HHH must have eaten something that did not agree with his little digestive system, because he was up with intense pains for about 2 hours. He fell off back to sleep at about 4am….so it was tough. I snuck away at about 6:45am to head of to the yoga school, the shala, the place where many things will be learned discovered, no doubt questioned, for the next few years. The apprenticeship is for 3 years approximately. The program covers the asana practice, philosophy, teaching styles, how to keep people safe in yoga (including exploration of anatomy and physiology), learning hands on adjusting, and many other things I have yet to find out about. I am so excited, so nervous, so hopeful.

This morning the apprentices met with the director (our main teacher) in the large practice room, with a candle and Om. We discussed the first Yoga Sutra: atha yoga-anusanam. Two of the other apprentices who have been in the training program for a few years led the discussion. We started with several chants (the only of which I knew was the Ashtanga Yoga opening chant)…..some of the others were quite lyrical, but a few were really challenging. However, I felt surprisingly comfortable…strange because I really struggle with my voice, and cannot sing to save my life…never-mind chant and sing openly in front of people…YIKES. It is one thing in a full class where you can even loose your own sound, but quite another when there are only 3 other people there. But each of them in their own way made me feel very welcome and comfortable. I know I am in the right place to be doing this….it feels so right, even the unknown, while intimidating, is not unreal or too overwhelming.

Following the discussion, one of the apprentices very kindly made photocopies of most of the material covered. She has been collating notes from each of the discussion for the past few months that the other 3 apprentices have been having while the main teachers were in India. They are really helpful, and bring personal input directly into the discussions.

At this point I entered the practice room to start my practice. The excitement of the morning was definitely with me….and it took me well into the seated postures to focus on what I was doing instead of mulling over the events of the morning thus far. But the later start always feels a bit better on my body. I went in at about 9:30 am to start, finished at just before noon, total practice time 2 hours 20 minutes. I get to take my time on Saturdays. Once I was able to concentrate on my practice I noticed a few things about my breathing. During the first 45 minutes or so (SA and SB, plus standing poses) my breathing is generally very regular, fluid. Although the length of the ujjayi breath changes depending on the asana or vinyasa, for each inhalation, the exhalation is the same length. Now for the first ½ of the seated poses, this also holds true. And in addition, I generally keep track of the movement per breath, meaning there are not many resting points, or times when I take many more breaths than I should be. But in the more difficult poses, I tend to take more breaths per movement or asana, and also take rest breaths and set up breaths. I have been finding that this leads to a choppier and most likely less graceful series.

I am going to try and consciously note the point at which my breathing fluidity breaks for the first time......

This has got to be a first, gettting to the am mysore on a monday morning. I have to say after the alarm went off screeching like a small dying animal, I contemplated giving it a miss, but something helped to pull the covers off and get my body in motion.

I arrived at just 6am, and had to use my new key....it feels really cool. There was another apprentice already there but she left the doors shut, cuz the teacher had not arrived yet. I decided that I would not do an all out practice before starting. Instead I spent about 15 minutes doing some gentle stretches and my shoulder exercises. At about 6:20am I began. Now all was going well, except for the dull pain in my left hip. I think the target muscle is gluteus minimus.....it has been sore now for quite some time, and like my shoulder I do not remember ever doing something in particular. So my non-all- out practice was not bad, but it was not great. My handstands stunk. I am not sure what has happened as they have been very strong up until last week.

I did not do 1/2 vinyasa between sides in the seated postures and in back bends I stopped after 4 drop backs. I was running seriously low on time at this point. But again this is a day one practice as Sunday was a rest day, so I am not too fussed. Tomorrow I am going to get an early start, hoping to be at the shala by 5am....we shall see.....

Well it has finally happened...one of my teachers has decided to do a little work on my drop-back....because basically my "drop-back" is more like drop-back to half way and then fall onto my hands.....I have been getting away with it while my teahers were in India, but no more. So what did she have me do today.....drop back to half way (hands about 8-10 inches from floor I think) and STOP, HOLD for 5 BREATHS, then put hands on the mat. Well, let me tell you, the first few attempts at that were NOT fun.

The hints were hands up over head and squeeze them close to ears to activate muscles on the backside all the way down, like a plank. This approach takes the weight off the lumbar region as you go up and back, which is great. But I still felt a lot of pressure in the thorasic region. My teacher said this would be okay, and that as we work on this, the pressure will ease off as I am able to extend the vertebrae throughout the movement. I think my teachers being away has made it easy for some bad habits to creep in.

On the last drop-back and hold, I did on my own, and it actually felt really good, like a long, fluid dive backwards, a soaring bird or something. I did not advance to any other back bends today, cuz who knows what they would want me to do!!!!

Otherwise practice was good. It was the first practice with one of my teahers that just returned and so nice. She has a lovely way about the room, and loads of helpful tips. One on particular was in Bhekasana, she said...push your pubic bone to the floor. Well that changed the entire asana for me, along with the fact she was standing on my thighs as I pushed my feet to the ground. She also emphasized a broadening in the shoulder blade region as I lifted up into the pose. For a pose that is odd....I mean it is called the Frog Pose.....it felt remarkabley normal today.

The teacher also made some comments during Halasana. Keep Moolah Bandha active, engage the traverse abdominals, same in headstand. She seemed to be everywhere. I have not had that much attention in ages. I will say though that I really struggle with assits in handstand. I just get too nervous and cannot find my balance when someone is there to spot me. I need to work on that one. The other point is that I have been trying to go from Navasana up to handstand and back down without stopping. I have to gently push off with my legs crossed following drawing them underneath me as in a jump-back, and then straight to handstand. It is a rather dynamic move for me, but I have pulled it off a few times. It is still a far cry from doing it without touching the feet to the ground at all....but one day.

On another note, I was able to do a full practice this morning because I now have a key and can start early....so I somehow got out of bed at 4:45am, and was starting my practice by 5:20am. I am rather impressed with myself. Anyone, who has known me before having kids can tell you that morning is not when they would expect me to be jumping around. Let's face it, it is just a bit ridiculous.

...and I mean smashing as in fantastic, wonderful, "on", and all on the day of the Full Moon...strange. Our shala does not close on the full moon, and my rest day is coming on Friday because saturday starts a six day intensive with Dean and Jack.

We were all advise to taper our practice however, as injuries are more likely to occur on the full moon. I am not sure where this practice came from but it was smooth. I had a wonderful time in standing poses, moing through them without thought (or I should say more like with out distraction, as I was so focused on what I was doing). I tried a few tricks to activate lateral abdominal muscles in Trikonasana A and B.....by trying to remove pressure from my forward hand and hold the position with the side muscles....it is not easy.

Seated postures were smooth as well. I was trying to keep track of my breath/movement synchrony and quickly realized that I add heaps of extra breaths in when I enter and exit an asana, so I stray very much from the counting in Lino Miele's book, but I am happy with the awarenss of that and one day......

I had a wonderful adjustment in Supta Kurmasana, and was able to lift up and balance on my hands....only the second time since my shoulder went a-wall. It has everything to do with the placement of my right leg over my shoulder. If it is rotated and high enough so that I can cross my ankles over my neck instead of head, then viola, no pain.

I had a wicked adjustment in Dhanurasana....my teacher lifted me off the floor by my ankles, wow! Very cool, very extending. Clearly he knows me and I have faith in him. I felt weightless (although not to him I am sure). But the change in the pose was tremendous.

In drop-backs I tried to stop and hold part way down...it is a bit of a killer really. I pased on most attempts and on one I actually held for about 3 breaths. I was advised not to do any further backbends as of the full moon, tomorrow always tomorrow.

I had a nice chat with my teacher following class about the Mysore plans. He has lots of tips for me. And is very excited for me and my family. I still am a bit of disbeleif that this is all happening.

On the home front, boys were little angels last night. We walked home form creche. They each had a balloon to twirl. Dinner was a bit bland, but hey.

I spent about 1 1/2 hours working on my Yoga Philosophy course requirements. We are working through the Yoga Sutras of Patanjali, using several different translations. We have specific questions to address and then discuss at the weekly meetings. I am also going through Lino's book, which will be like the 3rd time, but with a different perspective and understanding. Next week I will be rereading the Yoga Mala.

I am planning to spend my lunch hour today pricing books out.

I have never been so totally drained, so totally spent, and overwhelmed by an adjustment as this morning in Marichyasana A. I have NO idea why. And it was not a bad thing at all, just really surprising. It took me the next 4-5 asanas at least to feel remotely normal. It is the last day of my practcie week so perhaps it has to do with that....but I will say the the adjustment itself was not particularly severe....my teacher pushed my bent leg foot to the ground while keeping my bent leg perpendicular to the floor, she pushed my shoulder nearest the bent leg forward and down, and helped me broaden across the shoulder blades....I have been trying to sort this pose out for awhile and have not been adjusted in it since early February, so mayb it was a combinatio of things. I really appreciated it.

My teacher gave me all sorts of other tips, especially with regard to being strong throughout the abdominal region, back and shoulders. I am not sure I will be able to remember all her thoughts.

But she catch my little cheat in Utpluthih, damn,...."you cannot get away with THAT in Mysore".... but the big toes are so good to hang on....

Anyway, it was a good practice week for me, 11 hours practice. I have to have a rest tomorrow as our workshop with Dean and Jack starts Sat-Thurs, 6 day intensive, look out!!!

Boys were not good this morning. I had one of those...."Why do I work and leave my little darlings at creche - crying?" It is awful, the guilt.....in both directions....

But tomorrow is our day together, so I am sure it will all be forgotten.

This is a photo that I think shows well a mother's PET....

It is so hard to believe, that little raspberry tart was born four years ago. He is such a delight. I am the luckiest mum, to have such wonderful little boys.

We had a wee party for him last night, fish&chips, chocolate cake.....and what was the prezzie.....

I copied and pasted this from my Daily Practice Journal......6 Day intensive with Dena and Jack.

May8th Workshop with Dena. Day one of six day intensive, led class. I will probably stray a bit from the designed asana diary to talk about this workshop, as there are many points to remember and contemplate. Dena is a wonderful teacher, and took maybe 5 minutes in her class to realize that (maybe less). Her presence is strong and firm, but she has a lovely sense of humour and is not shy in her use of it to illustrate points about asana practice. The class started with a series of breathing exercises intermingled with posed questions, such as 1) Why are YOU (am I) here?, 2) Are YOU (Am I) in there?. She led us through the 8 limbs of Ashtanga Yoga and the first 4 (I think) Sutras of Patanjali. She chanted the Sutra in Sanskit and then gave an interpretation in English:
1.1 atha-yoga-anusasanam
1.2 yoga-citta-vrttinirodhah
1.3 tada drastuh-rupe vasthanam
1.4 vrtti-sarupyam-itarartra

She also talked about how yoga is personal, how it helps you to see clearly, to see yourself (with time).

The technical focus of this class was getting the basics down, the spine properly aligned, the heart open, the bandhas strong, the breath synchronized. We broke down Surya Namaskara A and B into individual counts, checking the alignment. I found her particular emphasis on Adho Mukha Svanasana to be quite enlightening, particularly because of the attention to the heart.

We proceeded through the standing poses, through to paschimattanasana and purvattanasana.

The back bending we did was very helpful, emphasizing the strength of the bandhas, quads, abdominals, and buttox muscles (glut. Max) to create a strong and almost rigid foundation from which to expand upwards, creating equal space and flexibility along the entire spine. We started with the half back bend, where you raise the pelvis off the floor, and then went into urdhva dhanurasana from there by putting hands by ears and pushing up.
2.5 hours

May 9th Dena, Sunday Led class. This class was AMAZING. I am not one to particularly like led classes, but I found this very helpful and inspiring throughout. We went through the entire primary series. The question she asked at the beginning of the asana practice was “Are you ready to burn?”…well put. The burn referring to the burning of all the toxins in the body, purifying the body to enable it, ready it, calm it for the others limbs of Ashtanga Yoga. I felt completely shattered at the end of the class, like I had dissolved and could not even formulate a clear thought. Fortunately for me there were no major demands for the rest of the day, and so I was able to gently slip back into daily life with ease.

Dena style is firm, but accepting. She places a large emphasis on how to be safe in the practice, so that we do things correctly and do not sustain either acute or (perhaps worse) gradual injury and discomfort.

Her discussions in class are inspiring, and serve as a guide (for me). She asked us all to write our own Ashtanga Yoga prayer, what it means to us when we chant “Vande Gurunam….”. 3.5 hours

May 10th Dena – Mysore style, with Jack and another person assisting. Dena opened the Monday Mysore class with all of us introducing ourselves, how long we had practiced, where were up to, if we had any instability issues (physical, emotional etc) so that she and Jack would be aware of them. I mentioned the two boys and lack of sleep, but totally forgot about my shoulder. The funny thing is it has not bothered me AT ALL, during the workshop so far. And while my emotional stability has been a bit of a circus lately for a variety of reasons, my practice creates a calm, or seems to at this point.

We started again with some breathing exercises including breath retention, kumbaka and kumbaka with chin look (look up***). I am finding these exercises prepare me for the practice, and so I will try to incorporate into my own following the workshop….means earlier start I guess. My practice felt pretty good. Dena adjusted my shoulders, I should say she helped me relax them in Pandagusthasana. Jack was there in Trivikrmasana. Dena is having us do this asana separate from Utthita hasta pandagustasana, Utthita Parsvasahita, and Utthita Eka Padasana. I quite like the separation but find it more difficult to find my balance. In addition, because she has us set up our mats in a circle around the room, I do not have my usual balance gaze sorted out, and have toppled over quite regularly.

My Supta Kurmasana felt great (I was able to access on my own) and I was able to push up on my hands with no shoulder pain…I am still very amazed at this, but cautious none the less. In back bends Dena over looked my drop backs and tictacs, and confirmed the sequence for me through to assisted Setu Sandhasana, four back bends and then hands over to grab calves for 5 breaths (Chakra Bandhasana). So this includes tictac series (Viparita Chakrasana)(she starts at far end of mat, going up to handstand and dropping over), then 3 handstand drop overs, then Vrschikasana, 5 breaths. And then the assisted sequence I mentioned above.
2.75 hrs

May 11th Dena – Mysore. A's last day. Her mat was just next to mine and I could not help but be a bit sad, as her presence in class is such a lovely delight. In addition, I had to leave at 7:25am in order to get home to swap over so that C could give his lecture. And Conrad was up most of the night with a fever, so I was also worried about him. This all no doubt caused a certain cloud over my practice. I told Dena ahead of time that I would be clearing out early.

I stopped after Purvattanasana and went to backbends (just the half ones), then shoulder stand, etc. I suppose what was mostly going through my mind was that I was looking forward to tomorrow’s practice so that I would be able to go all the way through. Although the practice was okay, I was certainly not as focused as usual. 1 ½ hr

May12th Dena, Mysore. I was absolutely shattered by the end of practice, and unfortunately because of how long it was I was not able to go through the finishing series properly and had to race home. The not so positive thing about that was that I completely fell apart when I got home and had no strength in me to stop from just sobbing for a bit. There was a little confrontation at home, which triggered it, but none the less I think the practice intensity set me up….which is not a bad thing, maybe in the end it was a good thing. As I feel much better, and was eventually able to articulate myself somewhat.

As for the practice, I am still struggling with finding my balance and gaze in the standing poses. Even the warrior poses (Virabhadrasana A,B) were giving me a hard time today. Despite this, I am determined to stay in the same location in the room, and not reorient myself. Maybe this is the wrong attitude, but it seems to me that it should not matter, if I am truly focused inward. (could be the ego/self-competition creeping up?)

Dena commented that my hands were too close together in Purvottanasana, which is cool because as soon as I moved them out further the pose fell into place. I have been wondering what I was doing wrong. I was thinking, the hand placement was more behind the hips, hip width apart, but she had me move them out more to shoulder width.

I was helped in Trivikrmasana by Jack, Dena in Supta Kurmasana, and Angela in Supta Trivikrmasana. In Supta K, Dena placed me in the pose, and then it felt like she put just a little bit of pressure between my shoulder blades to help me relax, although I am not sure how she did this. But the end result was a more extended feeling in the spine. I was able to come up out of the pose properly by pushing up and holding for 5 breaths (again shoulder is fine), and jumping back through Tittibhasana and Bakasana. The thing I notice (and this is true for Bhuji pidasana as well), the Bakasana transition is not really knees on the back of arms, it is more like inner thighs on the back of arms.

I really liked the adjustment in Supta Trivikrmasana by Angela, so I think it is worth describing for future reference. First side, right leg up, 2 hand hold….Angela hooked her foot around the bottom leg (left), by placing her foot on the inside and knee on the outside of the thigh, with her other leg she created an outside support, or boundary, for the top leg (right), by placing her foot on the ground with knee bent, then she was able to guide the leg further down without compromising in the hips which were guarded by her leg position. From memory she used the same hand as front foot (on her), and then used the other hand for her own support over the top of me.

In pasasana, Dena said I need to keep my chin down to extend the neck and look in line of the upward shoulder. I have been finding this pose more and more satisfying of late.

The exciting thing about today’s practice was being given Laghu Vajrasana (2 versions) and Kapotasana A,B. I would not be being truthful, if I said I was not excited, and I do feel ready for them. So She had me do Laghu Vajrasana the way she said most teachers are now teaching the pose as well as the way she was taught (in respect of her teachers). She suggested I do both in my own practice, as this is how I have now been taught, but that some teachers do not do the second version, and if it is too confusing then just do the first. The other thing she gave me was some preparation suggestions, which she said I should do until I can do the pose in it’s entirety with the appropriate entry and exit.

Version one: knees, hip width apart, feet parallel, hands reach back and clasp ankles, keep body as a plank and drop down (ideally until the top of the head finds the floor) holding strong along the front of the body, hold five breaths, coming up, do not change the hands on feet, push with arms and draw up to knees. Now in terms of coming up….not happening for me yet. I can go back fine, and then when I try I do not get very far, and the urge to move my hands further back towards my feet is daunting. The prep work she wants me to do is to drop down as far as I can while I still feel as though I can hold the pose and come back up, do that three times, then go all the way back and come up, then go back and hold for 5 and come up. I think I am going to have to use padding for my knees on this.

Version 2: knees hip width apart, feet touching, hands on thighs, creeping down towards knees as drop back to head on the floor, hold for 5 breaths. This is quite a different pose, as there is a lot more stretch along the front of the body with the increased arch in the back. Coming up is also very difficult, although it seemed a bit easier than when in Version 1, not sure why.

Kapotasana A,B: knees hip width apart, hands up, exhaling back so the top of the head finds the floor and hands grasp the ankles over the head (A), hold for 5,
(B) extend hands flat on the floor, straighten arms, hold 5 breaths. Then come up to knees again, hands to hips. Also need to use strength along the front of the body to rise up.

Dena also had some pointers for tictacs (Viparita chakrasana) to help me transition better and not die in the lower back so much. The trick is to push down strongly in the hands from the back bend in order to raise the feet (think I have been focussing more on pushing off with the feet to get up)…..I am thinking “move like a slinky down a set of stairs”….In addition, she suggested that when I drop over let my head come forward a bit so my gaze is more on front of me than between my hands and then use the reverse momentum of the head to help coming up, like when you “swing”.

In handstand drop-overs, Dena’s comments were that I should NOT be letting my feet turn out at all when I land and come up (bad girl). And in addition, I should drop over thinking of keeping my legs together as in Salabhasana. My comment after trying this was that I felt like I was timbering down doing that, and her comment back was that it might feel that way if I was letting go of everything else while I was trying to keep my feet close together.

Tomorrow is the last class with Dena. It has been an amazing workshop. We are very lucky to have her visiting us. I will certainly be looking forward to the next one.
3 hrs

I have one major concern, which I have been noticing since the start of the workshop…I have very little appetite, in fact I am having to force myself to eat. With the intensity of the practice, I am wondering why that is…..I would expect to have little appetite for awhile after the practice, but all day? And when I do eat it does not stimulate any further hunger.

May13th Last day with Dena and crew. She lead a beautiful class, with all of us moving through a modified primary series in unison, no talking, just watching and following, with music and the breath as the guide. She is a truly wonderful teacher, person, and I feel very lucky and priviledged to have been able to participate in her workshop. I was very emotional during the asana practice as well as in the final rest. We entered a circle at the end in order for each one of us to be able to share our thoughts, what the week was like, how we felt…..anything. I was of course quite a teary mess so Dena started off the circle in the direction opposite to me (thank god).

Listening to each person was rewarding in and of itself. Some people (most) mentioned how inspired they were, rejuvenated, thankful. A few talked about expectations and outcomes, how the week had transformed them into feeling more centered on the Ashtanga yoga path. It is so powerful, so fulfilling, and yet there is so much more to be attained, accepted, opened.

I am very grateful to have had this experience just at this point. I think I was able to receive more of her words and teachings than I would have even just a month ago. Part of it has to do with the apprenticeship starting, and a new found focus for me, but also there is a readiness which is in me to listen, to understand, to be aware, and to move things within my practice more to the outside. I think I was so emotional because this is not easy. It is easier to stay behind the dirty, scarred window that she mentioned, and exist in some defensive enclosure. But I do not want to do that anymore. I am sure that I will encounter set-backs, frustrations, sadness, but I am hoping that if anything my eyes are more open, a bit softer, and most definitely keen. I really look forward to the next time. 2 ½ hr

The week intensive with Dena has spurred all sorts of emotions and I am sure there are only more to come.....trying to clean my window, repair the damage to my heart, my mind, my relations. Be the person that I want to be. It has been a long time that I have not been that person. I have run away and away. I have kept so much inside for so long....as we humans do in order to cope.

Life is not easy is it?

My practice and my children are my centre, this I know. They are the things that hold me together, they are there, they are stable, they are demanding, they are unknown. So I am trying to have some faith that these two things will be the guide that I need. I am actually pretty sure they will be, which is a relief.

"With attainment of the focused mind, the inner being establishes itself in reality". Sutra 1.3 - tada drastuh svarupe-avasthanam

Is this what is happening?

I think the strength that I feel must mean that what is happening should be, and that I should continue to be firm.

My practice has been light, seamless, despite constant wanders of the mind. It has been through this that I understand the idea of the witness, as the mind crawls from here to there, away from the attention, the focus, it apologizes and creeps back. I have purposefully not pushed myself in my asana practice these past few days (Sat, Mon, Tues). I have worked towards a grace of breath and movement, which has unfolded without much effort, really. As if I am finally ready.

Why does Triang Mukhaekapda Paschimattanasana (TMP) always make me so angry and anxiety ridden? It is the stranges thing, and it just about always happens? I find this asana to be so difficult....keep the bent leg sits bone DOWN!!!!!! see, even just writing about it is stirring things up.

Despite wanting to throw punches, I calmed down quite quickly this morning, and following this asana, my practice took a turn towards the lighter side. I was feeling like a piece of lead at the start.

Assistance in Chakra Bandhasana was amazing, my teacher placed my hands mid way up my calves, and then he lifted the pubic region upward to help me straighten out my arms, moving the majority of the arch further up the spine and into the shoulder area. It is an incredible pose, so strong (despite being assited)...it feels like you are turning yourself inside out, in a good way.

Another key point of the practice was assistance in Supta Kurmasana. My teacher helped me place my feet, crossed above my neck, but he pointed out that actually the cross happens to the right side, not directly over the center of the neck (as in dwi pada sirsasana)....this changes things about the pose and also takes a huge amount of pressur of the right shoulder, which is the "bad" one.

Lastly, I was given Supta Vajrasana, as the couter pose to Kapotasana...and thank god, because stopping after kapotasana has been leaving me feeling quite underwhelmed. So the deal with Supta Vajrasana is, full bound lotus, exhale back, forehead to the floor, five breaths, come up then drop back just a little bit five times (1 breath each), then drop back again hold for five, come up and jump back from lotus. This is an assisted pose (for me anyway), where the teacher helps to keep the thighs down in lotus, and hands on feet.

So all of a sudden I have three (actually 5 because of variations) new poses. And consequently a lot to think about.

I am really enjoying The Essence of Yoga (Bernard Bouanchaud) which we are studying as a part of the Ethic module of the teaching apprenticeship. The self-reflective questions are incredible useful to achieving understanding of each Sutra.

Also just found out that Sharath with be in Goa the first two weeks in December, so it means planning on getting to Mysore about the 18-20th or so, and hopefully getting started straight away. I may look into the Goa course/workshop.....you never know. I need to send off my letter asap.

A day without my practice and acceptance none the less. Tomorrow will go for more.

My head has been so full and so I thought this was an appropriate poem to post:

I felt a Funeral, in my Brain (280)
Emily Dickinson

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I felt a Funeral, in my Brain,
And Mourners to and fro
Kept treading--treading--till it seemed
That Sense was breaking through--

And when they all were seated,
A Service, like a Drum--
Kept beating--beating--till I thought
My Mind was going numb--

And then I heard them lift a Box
And creak across my Soul
With those same Boots of Lead, again,
Then Space--began to toll,

As all the Heavens were a Bell,
And Being, but an Ear,
And I, and Silence, some strange Race
Wrecked, solitary, here--

And then a Plank in Reason, broke,
And I dropped down, and down--
And hit a World, at every plunge,
And Finished knowing--then--

I have started studying the Yoga Sutras of Patanjali.....and also thinking a lot about the first two limbs of Ashtanga Yoga (Yama and Niyama) and how it realtes to my practcie and daily life. I think that eventaully the 3rd limb (asana practice) nearly forces you to at least address these other limbs and consider the philosophy of yoga.

Suffice it to say that as this is going on I am uncovering more and more about myself....some or even a lot of which I do not particularly like. Now I realise tat ecev just this uincovering stage is a big deal and that yoga is the state and the process....so why am I am getting so worked up about all this?......I THINK it is the over-achiever in me rearing its head... hoping and trying to BE this ideal yogini..(big laugh eh?). Maybe next time.

The thing is, the little bit I have done, the few things I have managed to face head on, being myself in the past few weeks (and it has not been easy)...has been wonderful and relieving..... but I am also suspect at how selfish and egocentric I am being...so where/how is the balance found....sort of like where is the balance found between ahimsa (non-violence to others or self) and satya (truthfulness)..... sometimes the truth is painful, maybe it is not always necessary, maybe restraint is a better possibility...I don't know....

Practice has been full of these thought of late. For the most part is has been good, though...despite the chaos of daily life. The past three days (Sat, Sun, Mon) have been rather mellow practices that have more or less just happened.

I am working through intermed. sereis to Supta Vajrasana, which is a relief. I am also incorprating full vinyasa between Ustrasana and Supta Vajrasana as I find it allow the mind to clear and prepare for this intense series of poses. Perhaps when I am more adjusted to having them I will go back to the usual, for the sake of time.

There is this very precise point just underneath my left scapula that feels as though some horrible murderer is knifing me with enery breath.....and it is shaped like a diamond. This little treasure has been with me for a week....from just about the first time I tried to jump back from Tittibhasana (following Supta Kurmasana) without the transition through Bakasana. Although, I am not sure if that is when I pulled pushed strained whatever....this little gem of a muscle....it is what I remember.

Practice this morning was not entriely what I would call great....in fact it was probably a 3 on a scale of 1 to 10....not so much that I had trouble with the poses or even with my head....but more that all over my body felt quite ugly, heavy, limp, restricted, angry, sad .......

In fact, despite this physical unhappiness, the mind was calm....or I should say headed in that direction......the process was set in motion.

After a practice like this I feel like a hungry tiger....so I am not very patient, not very nice even....I even want to get out of my own way....

....the hot shower helped...although the fact that NZ homes do not have central heating really pisses me off sometimes....the bathroom is FREEZING....currently the only heater is one in the lounge, and I worry that the kids will fry there fingers off (open gas).

So here I am in the "real" part of my day, sitting at my desk, trying to get comfortable...trying to concentrate on things so banal that it seems ridiculus to be here, when the sun is warming the ground outside, inviting a brisk walk in the autumn air.....

HHH was such a delight this morning....running around his creche, acting like spiderman, with his new spiderman shoes and his spiderman sweatshirt that he got for his birthday from his friend L. Little darling. He is such a compassionate loving little boy. I am so very proud, so very lucky.

What am I complaining about!!!!!