Ashtanga Traveler

The past few days have been somewhat of a rollercoaster....in practice and in daily life. On the home front, my boys are terrific. I am so very lucky to have such delights....today when i was leaving them at the creche, HHH ran out of his room as I was going and yelled out "Mum, I love you!".....my heart swelled. I gave him a haircut over the weekend, so now he looks like your typical kiwi boy, in fact I almost did not recognize him when I picked him up yesterday.

Things with C are not so great. But I am quite sure that whatever does happen will be the best thing. For now we are seeking a bit of space form each other. He is being quite loving and kind, unfortunately, my state of mind finds that hard to accept.

I did not practice on Friday am, because I got strated on some new ink on Thursday, finally. About half of the outline of a piece that will span most of my right arm and up onto my shoulder and possibly down my side. I am really excited. It will probably end up being 4-5 sittings I think, so the whole thing will not be finished for quite some time. My next appt is the 1st of June. It felt good to be into it again. The last piece I had was done about a year and half ago, and before that about 5 yrs. Most of the work I have represents in some way or another some life change or milestone or something like that.

Practice on Saturday was good. We started off with the apprentices meeting for about and hour and a half....discussion of the 4th Sutra. My teacher made a point of sharing his ideas about this Sutra. He said that if you are always thinking, then you will perceive reality through this, instead of through your true self. Likewise people around you will be veiwed not as there selves but through how you see them, or more like what your conditioned attitudes toward them are (projections). In this state it is hard to break out of that.....it requires stilling of the mind (Sutra 1.3). So in the end what we need to do is to try and not think so much. One of the other apprentices relayed a funny little quotation from her time in Mysore at conference with Gurugi.....someone asked what else they could be doing other than their practice, studying the sutra etc....and his answer was "eat, sleep, and try not to think too much."

Asana practcie was good, nothing special really, but it felt good. I was aware of my arm (the ink), so I had to wear a long sleeve shirt to prevent my skin from being rubbed too much, as it was still tender. It was a nice long and methodic practice. Very few adjustments, very few interuptions. My teacher suggested that I try to do Ubhaya Padangusthasana with pointed toes, as that is how it is being done in Mysore. I also added full vinyasa between the backbending poses in intermediate and found it helped keep my head from going nutty, as well as smoothed the back out in between each asana.

I had rest days on Sunday and Monday. I was planning to go in on both days, but on Sunday I needed the sleep, and then later on in the day started to feel really lousy which continued through til Monday night. This morning I went in at 4:45am and had a nice long practice til about 7:25am.....I only did primary. The teacher and apprentice helped me with setu bandhasana and with drop backs. In Setu Bandhasana I was trying to rotate my legs out, but in fact she said I was supposed to be rotating them in, and lifting a lot more in the hips to take the weight off my neck. And in drop backs, the suggestion was to be firmly ground in the legs up to the pelvis, and then try and lift and extend from the ribs up, so that the arch is more in the mid-upper back versus the lumbar region. The teacher is having me try and stop and hover just above the ground befroe placing hands down.....but I am finding it very difficult. This new advice I think is going to do the trick with time.

I started my practice today thinking about the sound in the air during and just after a New England winter snow storm. The lull, the blanket of fresh snow that nutures and cradles the ground. It is like the sound of the rythmic ujjaya breath. Yesterday was the 1st of June...and as such regarded as the first of winter in New Zealand. Now the climate is very different than my homeland, of course. But it is the time of seasonal change none-the-less.

Practice this morning was quite intense at points and at others very soft. there were fewer people there than usual. Wednesdays happen to be very popular days....but perhaps it is the winter air that keeps people snuggled up.

The most important points in terms of interaction with my teacher were in Kapotasana and Vschikasana B....and the comments were similar...."control". So in Kapotasana, my teacher had me start heading back, hands in prayer and then stop and hold part way back, extending my arms back to grab my feet before letting my head reach the ground. The first time I did it I collapsed, so I had to do it again. It is NOT easy. Once I have my feet, then I can bring my forhead to the ground and hold for 5 or some number of breaths, then pushing back up to straighten the arms and hold for 5 (Kapotasana B), then all the way up. My teacher gave me a strange adjustment, which felt terrific, but must have looked odd, as he reached through my legs and up to my lumbar spine...to help me lengthen in the lower back.

In scorpion handstand (Vschikasana B), he watched over me and had me stop in handstand, then stop again when I was about half-way there, then all the way, with feet touching the head, hold for 5. It was pretty amazing to actually have that much control.....I should mention, that when I do this pose my legs are not as together as in the photo link. My other teacher has been really working me in backbends so it is paying off, despite the emotional turmoil I go through hovering in drop backs.....

I have been focusing on understanding Shaucha this week....external and internal purification. As the primary series is detoxifying, after practice I often feel really ugly, smelly, and so much on need of a shower. And of course many drinks of water. I think the detoxification is not just physical though, as particularly in the past 6 months I have found that I have needed to purge on the inside as well....let things go, or face internal conflicts on myself.....be more truthful with myself and others (Satya). I think this is at least one level of understanding of Shaucha. I have faith that with my practcie and as I delve more into the philosophy as written by Patanajali, that I will uncover more and more of the meanings behind these things.

With the amazing night's sleep I had (very unusual) I was rearing to go this morning, okay maybe not rearing, but in better form than usual.

I decided at the start of the practice that I was going to do my best to keep the flow going?.and I still had to take two bathroom breaks? But non-the-less the attitude was maintained, and as such I was able to complete my practice through to Supta V. and then I did only a few of the back bends to save time. But, I still tried to do these backbends as my teacher has been instructing me.
Despite the ?jumping out of my skin? feeling, I think the control and the shift in the arch to extend across more of the spine is improving.

Bhekasana.....I seem to struggle with this pose and not always in the same way. In a class not long ago, my teacher suggested that I try to really push the pubic bone down into the ground?.the problem for me has been even having the pubic bone touch the ground. So after she helped me today, I asked how I was supposed to get the pubic bone down. She suggested that I try to first set myself up so that I am ?on? it before grabbing my feet. And then hold it, pressing firmly as I grab my feet and push them toward the floor. She was also helping by keep my legs together more and suggested that I try rotating the legs inward?.so this in effect is similar to the other backward bending poses in that way. I am still struggling though.

Because this pose is so odd, I feel odd when I do it. It was helpful today to break it down a bit and have my teacher's help understanding what the subtle movements are. But I am having trouble accessing the shift in the pelvic region, and as such find it uncomfortable.

The other discussion I had was about how on earth to hold onto toes, keep knees down, when going back in Supta Vajrasana....without have arm extensions. What my teacher suggested that I try was rooting myself in lotus, pressing knees down, pressing feet onto thighs. Then going back with the arch beginning in the thorasic region versus sort of as a plank (from hips). In this way the contraction occurs in the shoulder/upper back region, the balance can be maintained (theoretically)....and one you might be able to do unassisted (finding that hard to beleive). But the visualization is good AND it works on opening of the heart which is my motto of the past two months....not easy, very vulnerable, but living more truly.

I have had so much sleep in the past two days it is hard to believe I am still able to fall asleep. No yoga on Sunday or Monday as it was "Queen's Birthday" weekend. Of course I could have practcied on my own, but the sleep demon took hold. I am not kidding, slept in til 6:30 PM on Sunday and then still went back to sleep early, like at 10....slept through and on Sunday had a 2 hour nap. I guess I needed to seriously catch up.

I am planning to head off to a beginner's class tonight to help me "learn" it so that I will be able to do a talk through myself in the not so distant future. That means 1.5 hrs of non-stop talk, while also running around giving adjustments...the entire sequence memorized. The whole thing is a little scary really. But I guess this is all a part of learning how to be a teacher. I just started the 6th week of my apprenticeship.

I will be starting up an anatomy/physiology course in July to support my apprenticeship. I am really looking forward to this so that I can at least have a real discussion about musculature, the skeleton etc. Although I am not entirely sure how I am going to fit it in....I guess it will find its place in the chaos somehow.

H talked about a dream he had last night....about how he was falling into the deep water and he was looking at all the beautiful fish. His little imagination is on fire these days.

I am not feeling particularly yogic today....more run down...emotionally drained....sour.

I have been thinking about this feeling which has been with me for the past week.... I know my practcie is a base, a foundation....so why then do I refuse it sometimes? It is so pivital, so balancing....and yet this morning. I just looked at the alarm clock and without even a second thought turned it off. Now why is that?

The past week has been an up and down one....so to try and balance this I approached my practice with a rather somber attitude....moved through it as it is a part of my day, without too much attention.

But I need my practice...is that okay to say? I need it even more right now...when things around me are totally chaotic and out of control....why am I so inclined to just draw the covers up....literally and figurativelly.....close myself off...to everyone INLCUDING myself?

I am so frustrated.

On a lighter note.....the boys have been cracking me up lately. We went on a long walk looking for dragons in the park yesterday...H and C, F from next door and me. We saw baby pink dragons, big sleepy, but firebreathing black dragons.... Dragons flying in the sky, under the bridge, hanging out in the trees. I helped each one of them to a drink at the fountain..... which was rather funny.....because depsite my saying do not put your mouth on the tap...what do they do......We then went down to the sea for hot dogs and hot chips.....I CANNOT believe I give my kids these things....but whatever....it is fun.

a practice worth writing about....man, have I been waiting for this. SOmething about reading last night....BKS Iyengar's Light on the Yoga Sutras triggered a change in my approach to my practice...for the GOOD. The asana practcie is about concentrating on something within the asana, like your toe, and feeling connected to eveything else in the cosmos, through that focus. This really hit home for me, and as I was practicing this morning I was thinking of that....with each movement and breath....the connection within my body, the connection to the ground, to the air and space in the room, to the other people practicing....as if all was a part of one organism with many moving bits...but all connected in space and time.

Interesting idea....and one we really cannot proove one way or another... but must rely on our own expereince and intuition.

So the physical side of practice was good. The mental side was also good...and then as a consequence the emotional side was great....

My teacher was very helpful today with the second series back bends.....providing a new way to think and experiment with each pose....Ustrasana through Kapotasana. The comment of focus was the foundation from the knee to the toe in each posture....pushing down evenly and using that to help the backbend itself. Also to keep the upper thigh as close to vertical as possible, with the hips moving or having the feeling of pushing forward.

In Laghu Vajrasana, she said to think of keeping the legs and hips solid and firm, and then using the entire spine to arch back, with lift of course, and bringing the head down between the toes...easier said than done, especially coming up. The tricky bit is where to place the hands I think. In the workshop with Dena, she actually taught me tow different versions of this pose (see workshop diary notes), potentially what I need to do in blend them together. SO the idea is to keep the legs parallel and hip width apart....then start to bend back, but keeping the hips as upright as possible.....and slowly lower the head to the ground....legs/thighs still rolling inward to support the lower back.....I tried to do this and placed my hands on the calves, near the back of the knee, but in order to come up I had to replace them somewhat further out....in doing this I noticed a slight lift of the knees off the ground.....so much for my foundation. I may try to change the hands to come around to the fromt of the thigh....which is a part of the second version I learned in the workshop, but not change the leg position. I think perhaps the combination of these two might work the best for me.

I ran out of time to do all my back bends today....btu that is okay. After two days off, I was ready to head to finishing anyhow.

Santosha....contentment....and where it is in practice and life.....in practice it is the few moments awakening from savasana....in life it is a bit harder to pinpoint.....have to work on that one.

OKay...today was crazy......now life has its way of quite simply showing its face in practice....and boy did it today. Second time coming up from drop back, after a really fantastic practice...and I completely blacked-out, ringin in the ears, buckle in the knees......falling....luckily my teacher was right there and caught me, stablized me....pushed my head down...til I was lucid again....very scary.

But he did not seem too taken aback really...maybe he was and was just settling me. Blood pressure too low....and he had a lot of questions about my diet....which is crap, quite frankly and I have been worried about it. But it is hard with two wee ones...working, etc. Anyway, he sent me off to a cheap but yummy place for lunch and suggested that I eat a big bowl of porridge after practice...everyday. And what do you know....I went to this place for lunch and there were two other people from the yoga school.....both of them nodded with encouragement.

SO...maybe I am not the first person to have these sorts of issues come up in class?!

On another note....I had another posture given, Bakasana.....knees up on the shoulders, arms straight, head up.....hold for 5, drop head and jump back.....it is a strong pose....a balanced pose...a soaring pose. And it was not expected at all.....my teacher said from across the room...Stephanie, Bakasana.....I said..."what?".....as if I did not understand English!

The asana practice is the unity for me right now...the peace...the hardship....the everything....like a mirror.

So I am starting to get really excited about this trip. We headed to the bank yesterday to discuss how the hell we were all going to get to India. We are looking at about 9,000 NZD for two adults and two kids. I have reserved a spot at Purple Valley for Sharath's two week workshop (4th-18th of Dec.), and have nearly decided on accomodation for our time on Goa. This will be at the start of our trip. Following Goa, we head to Mysore around the 19th of Dec. For starters we will be flying thorugh Singapore, and lucky for us have friends there to hang with....so we will break up the journey at least going (a few days).

Mysore for two months...hard to believe it might happen....and with all of us. I have a tentative landing spot at the Green Hotel for landing for a few weeks prior to finding the appropriate space to house us for the stay.

It is all quite crazy, but will be one major adventure! Apparently all four of us can legally fit on one scooter...YIKES.

We are contemplately a splash out on a digital vid. camera....would be ashame not to really.

Next up, Visas and health issues.......and then we will have to come up with a way to break it to folks at work!!!!

Some recent kiddie pix!

Practice this morning was a bit of a joke really...my mind was cycling between the pain in my shoulder, the risotto I had for dinner (VERY HEAVY), and the dreamn I was in the middle of when the alarm went off (a friend falling off a rock face-YIKES). SO I canned it after Navasana and finished quickly....extra long savasana instead!

Oh well...practice can not be it every day!

WOW....I did not know what hit me really....practice on Saturday morning was good as usual...light and airy....and then kapotasana....

My teacher adjusted me by pulling my sacrum forward and up as I went up and back to reach for my heels, and lower my forehead to the floor. As a result my spine must have elongated because there was no compression whatsoever in the lumbar vertebrae. But the crazy thing was the firey heat that originated probably within swadhistana chakra or around there anyway...the intense heat travelled down my thighs to the floor and all the way along my spine to the base of my skull. It was not painful or tingley...it just felt very pure, open, and AMAZING.

When I came out of the pose I felt ecstatic....not charged or explosive.....just peaceful and brilliant (as in light). So I think the point for me is that all the apprehension I have been carrying with me up to and into this pose disappeared in this practcie so that I could actually accept the asana and allow it to release energy.

Practice this morning was not nearly as intense, but was not bad either. I felt light, not very strong especially in the amrs...and oh so tired....the first 6am class of the week is generally a killer for me....tomorrow should be better and my body should also be more alive.

Otherwise I am feeling emotionall more centered than I have in thepast 2 months. I feel as though I have "come out the other side" almost...of some very strange and exhausting time. I feel much better.

I am just starting the last month of my first stage of the apprenticeship.....the next stage will be really exciting.... and going to India is high on the list.

It can be so hard to let go.....LET GO......it is what I often say to myself during a particularly intense moment in an asana....to help me move deeper.....and is how I start my rest after each practice...to ease me into deep relaxation. Inhale...Let...Exhale....Go.

But there are other things that need to be "Let Go" in life....anger, resentments....fear....loss....even love, I suppose. I wish it was simple..... but then I have to laugh...because how bored would I be if things were simple, clear, completely apparent. I mean I try to make more drama out of less all the time....why is that? Maybe I cannot let go..... I think this is going to be my new focus.....for the past several months it has been balance and patience.....now added to the list...letting go.

What is on in practice......the past three practices have been great. I generally find that it is more difficult to write about "good" practices, because basically I am so focused on each moment, that recalling things hours later is somewhat futile, as it is never possible to get back to those places in practices.

I will say a few things though....I have noticed that I generally feel dizzy coming up after Prasarita Padottanasana A, but not B-D....I sort of think this is weird. I have been trying to pay more attention to my light-headedness since my near collapse a few weeks ago coming up from a backdrop.

Yesteraday and today my practcies were quick and light. I went through to Bakasana yesterday but then had to cut short my backbends, so today I only went through the primary but completed the back bend sequence.....I really LOVE Vschikasana B, so I am glad I decided to do that this morning. It sort of makes me feel like an inch worm or something.....sort of feeling things out in life with my feet instead of my hands for a change. And it is "fun".....and we are supposed to be having fun...right?!

But missing out on second series is also a drag....I am enjoying the backbends there and excited to be trying out Bakasana....which I am alittle shakey at...and am a ways away from "flying" into. But the beauty of this practice is obsevring how we change, how the asanas change with us, for us. I sort of think it is like a cooporative thing....we give more...the asana gives more....until one day we are "there" and can realize it without thought, but with purity, enjoyment, and security.

I have been feeling particulary vulnerable lately in Supta Konasana...well it may be obvious really why.... but I think the triggering within Swadhistana Chakra has made it more of an issue (Kapotasana, TMP, in particular lately). Having said that, my forward bends are not invoking so much anxiety as they were. And I think in general, when women emerge a few years following child birth to try and regain themselves....anything that "exposes" them (sexuality) is going to cause some ripples....and let's face it...Supta Konasana..."here I am".

As for India....we have bookings at the Green Hotel when we arrive in Mysore for 10 days....hopefully that will be enough time?! I have sent off my letter to the Shala with my request to practice for two months. I have made a booking for the Goa workshop with Sharath in mid-Dec...and am trying to get us a spot at the Hotel Bouganvillea for our stay there. I am so excited it is giving me goosebumps!!! and only 5 months to go.....