Ashtanga Traveler

We took the boys out for a lovely little walk in the Bush just north of Auckland on Sunday.....what could have been a cruisey afternoon turned out to be moaning hell.....we had H and C plus F from next door....all boys.....all full of life and adventure, usually....but today the tide turned and NO ONE was happy. C refused to walk, complained of things in his shoe every few feet, and completely lost it several times when he ended up with the slightlest bit of mud on his legs. H was doing really well, until the ToeToe (maybe pampas grass) stalk he was playing with broke in two and therefore was no longer the biggest....then he ran staright through the hugest mud river and ended up conver up to his ankles in mud....F was also on the edge and a few times just sat down in the mud refusing to move.

It was so bad it was funny......we tried.

Practice on Saturday was really light and slow. I took my time because I was going to meet for a 1/2 hour following with another apprentice to help me with my chanting.... incredibly helpful.

My flying Bakasana took like seven attempts....so a far cry from nailing it.....one day. I can do it though, but it takes many tries.

Sunday and Monday were rest days....and much needed...this hip, buttuck, hamstring problem is really getting me down...luckily I have another physio session tomorrow.

Practice this morning was also slow and methodic. I did not push it at all....tender left leg and all.....I went throught the primary (my usual first day back)....and then finished quickly. I feel good now except for the acid flavour in my mouth...been there for two days now...I think it is part of the adult version of the bug my kids have had for the past 10 days....maybe Hand Foot and Mouth.......nothing you can do really just let it ride its course.

Otherwise all is well.

These pics are from our little walk a week ago to Bethel's Beach along the west coast!!!!!

My practice this morning started out great...but literally as soon as I went to the floor...I felt so nauseas.....I continued through til the Mari's and then just had to lie down for a bit....then finshed in lotus and had a long rest. I felt okay when I got up...but shortly after eating I felt it again...Yuck. I think it is the remnants of this strange bug my kids have had...acid flavour in the mouth and waves of nauseas...it sucks.

On another note I have two friends that are in the middle of very trying times in their lives.....and I am worried about them. I was thinking about them during my practice...wondering how I might be able to reach out and provide some real support and encouragement. More than lip service..... I find my own inner strength comes from the foundation of my yoga....but that does not jive for everyone and I guess I wonder if it is helpful for me to share that or just stick to the "lean on me" stuff.

We as humans are all so strong....look at all we have done....but also so fragile, and the thing is denying this can actually be incredibly harmful to ourselves and in our relationships.

Okay....new experience....I assisted in one beginner's and one mysore class last week (Thursday Nt and sat am). I do not know what I am doing...it feels really crazy. I guess I did not really know what to expect. The beginner's class was the first one....there were about 13 or so students ranging in experience....the most obvious thing i realized is that in my own practice I do not really look at other people at all....cuz actually watching people was a shock. Of course it is highlighted because the beginner's class is led....so everyone is in sinct....but still. The practice is so beautiful....each person has an entirely different style, energy, aura...despite being in the same posture as everyone else in the room. The mysore class was different....but I found it more challenging...maybe because the students are there for a different reason....to go deeper...not just to learn the sequencing.

I felt timid and shy....the thoughts racing through my head continually were...should I go over and help them?....do they want my help? They are doing okay on their own...will I just disturb them? But then...why esle would they be there, right? But I am new and I might not feel right to them....wow...it was tiring, emotional, exciting.

I think I will get the hang of it though...with time. And be more comfortable. I found once I touched a person the first time....the second time was easier. I even felt people surrendering a little with their breath.....and moving deeper. I have yet to write down all the adjustments I was taught...my project for this evening....

This weekend was full of study for the first Anatomy and Physiology exam that I am taking to support my apprenticeship. Somehow I managed to avoid taking such a course in my 15 years of science training and expereince.....so it is a bit funny...but good. The reason so much of the weekend had to be devoted to the course was that I had not cracked the book til Sat afternoon.....and the course started a month ago....but they did not send me the info (as I am taking the course by open learning).....anyway, it was a bit of stress and a big ask on my family...but I should be properly up to date soon and not have to "cram".

Practices have been okay, except that my hip problem...which is really a back problem is really acting up. Sciatic nerve pain is just about always present...I am trying my best to keep good posture....but the pain and tingling is just not getting better.

Otherwise, caught Trinity Roots on Friday night....meant a late night and very sore throat from all the second-hand smoke...but had a good boogie. Loved the drum and base and the "soul" music.

The past few days have been filled with many "body" annoyances. I am trying my best to live and accept these things, make changes in my habits that seem reasonable...number one...drink more water. But I am somewhat down about how my body is feeling over all....and I think I am "taking it out" on my practice....meaning that while I know how much my practice helps me feel good, at the same time I am thinking...."I never had these problems before I started ashtanga"....and then the other voice kicks in...."but now you are more aware of yourself, your body is seriuosly detoxing, the weaknesses you have hidden for years are being exposed"...blah blah.

But I have to say.....I am abit tired of bad skin (have been trying to deal with acne on my shoulders for 1.5 years now- never had skin problems even as a teen or during pregnancy), pains in every different spot imaginable (seeing a physio and an osteo for shoulder and lower back/piriformis issues), getting up so freakin early (and missing morning cuddles with my boys).....

I think I am having a love-hate ashtanga day.

Having said all this...I am feeling so bad at the moment, the only thing I can think of, is leaving work early (abit of a sicky) and heading to do a self-practice on my own at the studio at about 3:30....

so like I said...love/hate....duality.

Yesterday I felt terrible.....pulled a sicky and left at 3:30....went to the studio...had a great solo practice, primary only...but it got rid of the water rention and sorry for myself feeling, so much needed. Took over an hour to get home....but arrived to gorgeous boys and a husband making chick pea, fennel, spinach dish....that has become a light supper fav.

This morning I went to the studio early to clean (part of what the apprentices do) and then practice. I had a really good practice, primary plus second up to crashing Bakasana...although today it only took five attempts I think. It is really hard to do this pose keeping the arms straight and landing the knees on top of the backs of the arms......I have to jump up and then descend into the posture rather than whisk into it along a horizontal plane. Usually this descent is rapid and results in a blow out....but the final attempt today I landed it and stuck.....and was able to exit appropriately. But I am still far from being able to do this consistently. The bandhas are really important.

Sciatic nerve news....PAIN. I have pulled back in all forward bends, and in extended leg poses such as Utthita Hasta pandagustasana, Trivikrmasana, supta pandangustasana, and supta trivikrmasana....the worst pose is parvottanasana.....I am so unsure of moving into it on the left side....my hip feels so insecure.....

I am really trying to not let this get to me...but it is. It feels like it will never be gone....and will hinder me.

Physio tomorrow....thank god.

As for THE BOSS....I am going crazy. The manuscript is still not resubmitted....the director is happy, I am happy....but the boss is not....still needs more....like WHAT????? The point is that the boss has no actual suggestions about how to change it, what to add, etc....just that it is still not right. Now from my point of view I am so sick of this thing that it is nearly impossible for me to look at it any more.....I wish she would just make the effort to do the work herself.....she is an author.

So I am still going...still SITTING with major pains knifing along my left side from this crappy work environment...trying to fogure this out....change the few sentences that need changing.....Going crazy.

Tomorrow am...first morning mysore assist...YIKES, These are the guys I practice with...will be weird to watch them..."help" them....hmmmm...not sure I will be any help that is for sure.

I had another Physio session yesterday....wow. The therapist did a number of things this time to releive tension and restraint in my spine. The last of which involved my lying on my side while he "unzipped" the vertebrae....huge number of cracks, lots more movement and space...but I found the whole area abit tender this morning. It is of course still not clear what the cause of the sciatic nerve pain is....but generally it is a lower back/disc problem. Although to be sure, I would have to go have an MRI or something, and my distress is not worth that at this point. I think my biggest problem is denial about the whole thing.....which I told him about....sort of funny really.

He was helpful, but when it came right down to it, his suggestion was to not sit or bend forward for a week and see if the pain goes away...hmmmmmm....that is a tough request. I said what I thought was smart to try first, for the sake of my mental health, was a to keep up a very modified practice....no intense forward bends for one...how to manage that in primary? And if that did not help the situation as well as changeing from sitting at my desk to bench work (standing)....which is the plan because I submitted the damn plaguing manuscript yesterday. FINALLY. so if these two changes do not sort me out in the next week or so, then I will contemplate a more drastic rest...like no asana for a week or something...eek! I might have to oder in some type of straight jacket though....we will see.

I hope it resolves itself with some TLC.

The other bad news is that my physio is leaving his practice on the city....so I am not sure what I am going to do...get referred on I guess....not sure why he is going cuz he did not tell me...the secretary did after my session.....weird, eh? For now I will stick to the Osteo appt. to see if things get better, and probably try to hang upside down on the ropes a bit before and after practice....take the pressure off.

I was hoping to pay for my India trip today, but the car is with C, so I cannot simply swing over on lunch....will have to do tomorrow with boys.....should be fun.

We have a birthday do on Sat night to go to this weekend.....it will be nice to have the late night be Sat instead of Fri for a change so that I am not completely done in for Sat meeting and practice.

I am assisting tonight in the beginner's class....I might be leading the relaxation...yikes. Not sure yet, but I have been practicing. I have real issues with my voice, so it is going to be a big challenge to do an entire lead class one day. I guess I will get used to it the more I suffer through.

I am getting a lot out of assisting. It is helping me channel energy. It makes me feel great as well. It is still strange. Adjusting people is nothing like being adjusted or even watching someone adjust....more to learn, so much more to learn.

The boys are good. Conrad had to wear three different T-shirts to school today...all at once. PLus he will only wear shorts and not long trousers, despie being winter here....he is such a little weirdo. H was getting dressed this morning and put one leg each into two pairs of pants...and then walsed around saying he was an octopus. They are really playing well together now....each night they spend a good 30 minutes playing in their room on their own, with their vivid imaginations going full throttle. Conrad is afraid of the Gruffalo and the scary frog....so of course H pretends to be both of those things to get C all worked up. I am really proud of them both. They are both so interesting and unique.

Momentous trip to buy the airline tickets.....felt really good...REALly good. We leave on the 25th of Nov and return on the 16th of Feb...India here we come.

List of things to do...

VERY BIG

sublet apartment
leave apps from work
immunizations
travel within India
creche/school for H
waiheke house sorted
things to bring
visas
and so much more....

H and C are still very worried about snakes.

The excitement is here to stay....3 months to go!!!!

Practice on Saturday was very grounded. I was tender, especially given the Osteo and Physio treatments of the week. But I was calm, balanced, and tried to remove the distractions from my practice. I tried out a new spot in the room...back left corner...for kicks.

Had a lovely evening out on the town on Saturday.....was the first time in a very long time really. I cannot help but people watch...with amazement from this bar to that...what is everyone doing anyway? We were celebrating a birthday with a dear friend, and following in the path of their wants for the evening. Ended up with a little late night boogie, before catching a cab home round 3:30am YIKES!

Last Thursday I led the relaxation for the beginner's class I have been assisting in. Consequently, I was completely spaced out before the relaxation...stressing and worrying about it. My teacher (who was leading the class) had to keep reminding me of all the things I am supposed to look for when adjusting people. But he had some very helpful tips and feedback after the class...start by looking at their feet, then up their body. Do not adjust them until you have corrected everything about their alignment that you can...like hands in the right position etc.....then you can help them...otherwise you might hurt them.

My teacher is very patient. I felt like a total flake....not very observant, and sort of lost. I HOPE this changes soon. It is exhausting as well, but in a very good way. Helping people find their place in each asana is really channeling for me, theraputic in a way.

The relaxation went okay. I projected my voice okay....after some practice prior to class. I screwed up a bit of what I was supposed to say, but overall, the feedback was encouraging. It is much harder than I expected...I felt "responsible" for each person's experience, and for that to be positive. I hope those in class enjoyed what I said, how I said, etc. I know that this is the right path for me. It feels absolutley right, I am without doubt.

It is going to be some time before I am comfortable speaking in front of this particular audience. It is more than passing along information...I have not trouble talking in front of people in that capacity. This is different....an altogether different experience for me...and a huge hurdle. I feel very detached from my voice, as if it is not mine.

Wed 6am Mysore is my next class....

You know what it is like when you forget to pay attention...let the time slip by without properly recording what you are sensing...consciously. I have been in the mill of late....treading along as if there is only tomorrow. How boring.

I am missing things. Really missing them...like for instance EMOTION. I think emotion is like a pusher....getting you going, handing you out to dry, in control, and then not really, with no responsibility...it IS.

I like emotion. I have been so busy that it has sort of disappeared...or maybe the "Serotonic" is working...mostly B vitamins to help with endogenous serotonin production....wow, it is a CHILL pill....but do I really want that?????

I think I am missing that part of me, that edge....

Anyway, practice was good this morning. My ass (or I should say arse) is still in major pain, but I think I am getting to the bottom of the problem.....a few more modifications for a while in forward bends. Still having a disastrous time with flying bakasana, probably because I do not get that far everyday, only 2-3 times a week...not enough practice....need to push myself a bit more...need to prepare for Mysore maybe, up my stamina.

My teachers tell me that I need to prepare for everlasting headstand and Utthita Pluh.

We are now on the less than 3 months to go vibe.

H and C are "playing" flying to India....really funny to listen to them. H is still very concerned about snakes....I think he thinks they will be EVERYWHERE. Funny what kids imagine. I miss that too....I seem to day dream all the time, but when you are a kid, it is "allowed".