Ashtanga Traveler

Not sure what is wrong with me....feeling very low. Well I do sort of know what is going on....and having the boys home and ill for the past 2 days, up heaps at night is not helping. But they both seem better now....I on the other hand have lovely white colonies on my left tonsil....sucking on strepsils....trying to function.

Monday and Tuesday were very low days....practiced at home witht the boys on Monday....solid one hour. They were abit more needy than usual. But I persevered. Felt good to move around. Tuesday I went to the school to practice for an hour in the afternoon....no one there...very nice and calm....I needed the calm, the solitude....but also wanted to the security of the practice room. Went Rock (blob) climbing after that for about 2 hours...big mistake....it was just one whinge after another....my right knee, my left hip, my shoulders, my neck (from looking up while belaying), my fingers and hands of course....plus it was so cold...two jersey's on plus long pants....and this was indoor...no central heating obviously....anyway it was not until about 30 minutes before we left that I actually really "tried"....just kept giving up...cannot do that, cannot do that, my knee hurts to much, ouch, my hips....as it turns out I came away with a definite strain in my right hip region....causing me to hobble about these past few days.

Practice yesterday....now this was after two nights of no sleep....boys were up 5 times on Tuesday night, refusing to take any medicine to help with the low fever and headaches....lovely....so i was rubbing heads and tummies....totally wiped on Wed am....me and the two wee ones stayed at home...rested. In the afternoon I decided to get on the mat....just go with it...see where it took me, no expectations really. H was resting in my bed (voluntary) and C was playing next to my mat, dragging my yoga books off the shelf. We had a ball. He would try to find the pose that I was doing (M. Sweeney's book and Lino's), then ask its name (the Sanskrit name) then what it meant in English.....Bhekasana was the best....hard not actually "ribbit" for him. He dragged several other books off the shelf and lined them up.....of course I had to do the photo thing at this point....my little yoga student.

This morning same thing....up most of the night with the kids. SO no am practice.....I am going to try and get home for a quicky before picking H up from school....might work, might not....I guess i need to let go a bit. Have to assist tonight, so no chance to practice then....maybe when I get home, I suppose.....will be about 8pm....but better late than never....just no backbends....last thing I need is to stay up because of that.

Yestersday was "Queen's Birthday" here in NZ....my kids kept asking when the party was....it was also Materiki.....("little eye"), the Maori New Year celebration. I practiced at home in the afternoon, and get this.....while playing "concentration" with the boys.

I asked C to come and help me with Supta Vajrasana when the time came.....but then got rather impatient....so.......

In the end the little blighters did not weigh enough for me to come up without them getting tossed over my head.....so C had to come to the rescue!

Despite the fact that my knee is still a worrisome issue, I am still able to get into lotus on my own in Karandavasana...two days in a row now...this is after a week of illness on the homefront....I was sure that I would lose it, did not even think of trying it in home practices cuz....well, supersticious....(is there room for that here? I mean I already head to practice with sox I have never washed...maybe I need a few other tricks up my sleeve.) I am years away from doing anything more than that though....I managed to hold the lotus for 5 breaths....or well probably more like 3 normal breath, five very quick ones which is more or less what you get in this pose....lower, lower, lower.....then quick jump (in the visual sense) to unraveled heap of a mess on the floor....

Anyway, I have had two days in row of nice solid practices, fast finish though cuz my timing is a mess....having trouble getting up out of bed to get to class before 6am....I wonder why.....

Hux came in this morning at about 5am and started talking about rollercoasters? I am like "what?"....Have you ever been on one mum? I did not even know he knew what a rollercoaster was...nevermind have a totally lucid conversation at 5am...whoah. He had no idea what I was talking about when I asked him at breakfast about it.

You know that you need to spend more time reading to your kids when neither you nor Dad can remember the opening lines to Hey Diddle Diddle.....Hux was reciting it, but starting at the the part where "the cow jumps over the moon"....he asked what the beginning was like....I had not a flippin clue....asked Craig....nada...finally Hux remembered and then proceeded to tell me the rhyme over and over and over again....little cutie.

On other fronts...we went to see Star Wars last night, big screen necessity. I gotta say the transformation into Darth Vadar...is again like "what?" ....."this is not the Jedhi way"....so you take out the lead Jedhi master and then swear allegiance to some frog/lizard fried creature that looks like my old landlord.....right?! (By the way we are taking them to court).

Now, I was also wondering why you have all this gore associated with Anni's near death experience down by the river, and the little elf Jedhi wannabes that get axed in the Jedhi Temple have not spilled an ounce of blood anywhere.....that Hollywood, gosh thank golly they are sensitive to our tear-jerked eyes.

But on the up side, at least Princess Leah was a "wanted" orphan. Actually despit the overwhelming gloom and doom that burderned my shoulders on exiting the theatre, I had quite righteous time....I did in fact go to see all three of the originals in the theatres at least 3 times each when I was a youngster....so there is this sort of Star Wars geek in hiding here....

Favorite Planet so far....gotta be the Wookie one...

The Pinot Noir must have paved the way for a heavy start today....first I fell back asleep after the alarm went off...never a good sign....got out the door at just before 6...spent the whole drive to the shala trying to decide whether to do the primary, since I was already a bit late and feeling like a slug, or the second....

Got to the mat still wondering....at some point I decided I should go with the second, my main practice these days.....push myself a bit. It was not a great practice...but I did see clearly through it.

Had to rush it and quickly finish...but it was worth it.

My weekend ......Yoga, of course...and in the eves...well, Rugby. The Haka brought goosebumps, led by Tana Umaga, the skipper. Now if is was not for Dougie Howlett and Daniel Carter I would be in trouble...fortunately for me the little darlins were in good form, playing most of the game against Fiji....it was the first All BLack Test of the Season.....clearly at 91 nil, they thrashed them. I was hoping that Fiji would get at least one Try.....nada. But the boys were good....solid...and in terms of the number 10 jersey (Carter) and the number 14 jersey (Howlett), cute as well. I do miss my favorite player though.....and that would be Merties(Andrew Mehrtens, 10)....what a gem...will miss him.

Saturday was a Lions and Maories game....and I even watched it as well, despite there being virtually no cute players on either side.

I realized as I sat curled up with Hux, Connie, and Craig....part way through the game on Friday night...that this indeed is what NZ boys do....and I am in trouble....

Every bloody second of practice this morning was a nightmare. This is definitley not the norm for me. I spent 45 minutes trying to decide whether to even go....starting at about 5am....I finally thought...discipline, right?....if nothing else....the mat, just get on the mat and see where you go from there. Okay, Hell.

Now on the physical side my right knee was saying NOWAY, and my left hip joint felt like the interior was lined with sandpaper. I pretty much figured that given these two weak points I had better not push things or else some other weakness was sure to rear up. I decided in the car that primary was all I was up to emotionally....very quickly it became only 1/2 primary.....despite this angstie feeling pawing at my insides, my jump backs and thrus were quite good...alotta lift in both directions. I don't get that, but ain't gonna ask.

I had a nice long rest at the end, like 20 minutes. I never have this kind of time during the week, but today because I stopped so soon, there it was.....

I am pretty sure if I pushed myself much more there would have been buckets of tears....just on the edge about things. I suppose some of it is the winter blues. But there are other things sort of bubbling up now and again, and a lot of questions that I need to address about myself. Maybe I just need to face them, for once instead of try and do the usual....HIDE. I don't know.....

I just finished reading "The Kindness of Women" by JG Ballard....and I have to say this is one of those books that will haunt me for life. I will come back to it again and again as I expereince time and reflect on the eloquent, beautiful, tragic descriptions set forward about all of the usual things of day to day life. I ended up going to sleep with wimpering sobs.....thinking quite innocently about the people in my "family"....the blood, the connections, the lovers, the friends...the people who have known me since I was a child and just simply accept what and who I am, despite differing opinions about life, philosophy, choices.....

I had another morning of "maybe I should just sleep in".....but again, dragged myself up and out of bed, cup of tea.....cuddle with my eldest who woke up while I was wandering around in the dark....he asked me to rub his tummy and drifted back to sleep, seemingly okay with the idea I was headed off to yoga..... I got in the car and even went so far as to consider turning around! Never had that in my head before.....but I continued.

I got there just in time for the opening chant.....about 10 minutes after the class officially starts (late for me basically). Again, I was unsure of myself....as the salutes went by I felt stronger and stronger....the heat forming....standing poses were okay, not taken too seriously, not worrying about this or that, just taking it as it was happening....and then I had to decide...primary or second....went into second....unfolded my cotton mat....Pasasana...first side not great....hmmm, maybe this was not a good idea....second side better, usually it is the other way around....took extra breaths to remind myself to settle in, relax....and then lift, twist abit more...settle, relax, lift......

Ustrasana....not great, felt quite closed.....was a bit apprenhensive about LV and Kapotasana....but they were also really good....relax and settle, lift.....focused strongly on the breath, moving the awareness around the body as a scan to see where places were tight or felt a bit funny......

Bakasana B...wow, landed lifted legs up higher on the arms, then straightened.

Leg behind the head poses.....had a lovley adjustment in Eka Pada.....my teacher held my leg away from my neck and keep her shin along my lower back to keep it straight, then as I went forward, she continued to hold onto the leg and then sat on my lower back.....gently adding more weight to help me straighten out in the spine, while keeping the pressure off my neck....fantastic.....nicely positioned to come up lift off the ground and then bring the leg through and the other off the shoulder.

Dwi Pada on my own....was quite deep and balance was easy....Yoga nidrasana....worked on squeezing the legs into the sides to help move the torso through and flatten the back.

I loathe the Titibasana sequence.....

Pm was okay....second go was a better exit...not really getting the hop thing going these days, more or less getting the hands and feet thing at the same time.

KV....three goes....on the last, legs into lotus, hold for a few breaths...slowly hinging at the hips to lower the lotus down....bandhas, bandhas, bandhas.....legs on the arms....millisecond hold....a little quiver, then crumble....but wow, I sort of felt it....okay it probably looked like I just crash landed as usual....but it was there for just the slightest moment....I know what I am looking for now. Shoulders minced.

I think the winter blues have taken on a new meaning...new form. All I feel like doing is staying curled up under heaps of covers, in the dark...waiting for spring....seriously. I have reached new depths of homesickness, more or less brought on by attending my partner's family reunion over the weekeed at Lake Taupo......missing my own family and home...although the bleakest part of that is realiseing that missing those people is one thing (family and friends)....but that indeed the real problem for me is realizing that "HOME" is not a reality for me, not here in NZ completely, and not in the US completely. Sort of like a "no man's land" type of feeling.

Of course as soon as I try to describe what this feels like I get the old "stop feeling sorry for yourself" arguement thrown in my face....and with a solid amount of justifaction. STill does not take the feeling away.

I also was not able to practice while we were away, so it has been four days! ANd when I say I was not able I do actually mean it was impossible....imagine 12 people (8 of whom wiere kids) staying and sleeping in one cabin, loaded with bunks (3 high), and the remaining 10 in the other....and it rained for the first two days ....ALL DAY. Thank god for the hot pools nearby....we would have all gone totally nuts....kids ranging from 3 to 17.... kids were up before dawn and still whispering after 11....crazy. No floor space to speak of, and no privacy. On top of that the food was definitely not designed around me.....like at all....not that I would expect that it would....but I mean, white bread? Like really really white? Who eats that?

The get together was over all really good, some points of tension, all to be expected.

But it does bring me back to where I am today....and that is in "sad" mode.....missing home, not knowing when I will see all those people I care about back home.

But I did get a few cute pix in the hot pools....

I really do not like to do this.....afternoon practice 5-7pm, followed by next morning at 6am....but sometimes you just have to.

Full primary in the afternoon session....very stiff after 4 days off, nothing shocking. Second series this morning, actually surprising. I was more sore than usual, of course, but instead of that first forward bend being a fight to the (near) death.....inward arguements going about how much better it would be to be in bed, this practice sucks, why do I do this again?....this morning, the hammies were all go....shoulders not bad. Left hip, eh, right knee, mmmm....lower back, okay shit. But the practice ebbed and flowed, slowly but with rhythmn. Emotions on the high and low, focus the same....but still continued. Kapotasana was less than desired, left knee slipped abit when grabbed ankles, had to reposition when went into B variation....question In B variation can you hold onto feet, pressing palms into soles or should you press into the floor, and then if so in front of, beside in or out???. Opted out of any funky backbends at the end, save the back. And as such had a nice rest instead....

I'll probably be really sore tomorrow, but it is Friday and my fav day.

KV progress.....this is a shocking asana, thrown in the middle to keep ya humble, work the mind a bit, never mind those bandhas and shoulders. Building lotus now with consistency and holding for five breaths, lowering the first part with control (hip pivot) but then loosing it when try to land while moving chest, head, shoulders forward. Have bruises to show for the lack of control!

I gave Karandavasana two goes this morning. On the first I went up into the forearm stand, built lotus, held for a few breaths and then started to lower down....it felt pretty good and controlled until i got to a point where I knew I was going to need to bring my chest further forward between my shoulders.....and it felt like there was not enought room, as if my shoulder blades were already smashed against one another....so needless to say I was not able to land. However, with this in mind I thought I would try it again, but this time starting out with my arms just a bit wider apart, so my thumbs were about an inch from each other instead of nearly touching, but the forearms still parallel. The idea here was that I would end up with more space for my shoulders as I transitioned (moved chest and head forward) into landing....and it WORKED!!!! SO I landed the DUCK, and held for 5 breathes. Okay then I "thought" about coming up....meaning I held the pose for another second thinking how the f-ck do I raise up and out of this.....for another day.

The other thing I have decided to work on is my handstand.....going into the handstand without a hop, just a lift. Now this has been on my impossible list ....lift into handstand with feet together, I have no trouble lifting with the feet apart (like after prasaritta padottanasana D). SO today I decided I would start working on that. After 3 drop backs I usually head into tic tacs, etc....but for the next little while I am going to stop that and proceed to get this handstand lift thing going.....today I started with five attempts to lift the feet off the floor a few inches....the trick seems to be to really get the hips as high as possible and of course crank the bandhas and USE the breath....This seems to be going okay. I next tried to do this and then bend my knees a bit to see if I could raise into handstand that way....not too shabby really, was able to get up in the second go.....but the real kicker (or not) will be when I can do that with the legs STRAIGHT....will keep you posted. I am hoping that this work will also help with the KV vinyasa as well.

I am not sure what I am feeling these days....sort of undone. I am not performing at my job anymore....I have no motivation. This is a bit of a worry really, it will catch up with me eventually. I have such short days now that it is really hard to fit in the things that I need to do. And I am still running at like 8 hours shy a week....which will change next term when H can take a few days in after school care. I am not getting that much sympathy from C....as he has the "real" full time job apparently. But this has always been the case with us.....even when he was in school and I was the working person, I still took the time off when I needed to (for kids, doctors whatever).

Anyway, with the change in work schedule I am finding it really tricky to accomplish anything. And I have have to contend with two weeks of school holidays.....how is that going to work? I really do not have the holiday time, and C is not really willing to bucge much. We might get a few days from his parents but I sort of doubt it... so what do I do? H is not the kind if kid you can just drop off anywhere and then leave....he does not adjust well at all.

Concerned....very concerned.

The alarm goes off. I already told myself I was definitely getting up no matter what. Yesterday I fell back asleep and had to practice in the afternoon, which is not a fav time for me, and requires a serious amount of manipulation...husband, kids, etc.

I did manage to get up, after lying there for about 20 minutes, thinking the entire time about how warm and cozy it was, and that as soon as I move one bit of bare skin out into the air I might simply freeze to death.....but I made it out unscathed....brushing my teeth, I was met by child #2, in a half sleep having to pee, and then of course required the necessary cuddle up....."five minutes, mum, and then you go when I say"....great, have to beat the cold again. Finally, I am up....it sucks, there is no sugar.....so I hunt for the icing sugar aka: confectioner's, to put in my cup of tea for the drive....cuz otherwise, I might freeze to death. All the while I am getting dressed I feel as though I am being watched, hearing the whispers of the wind move in and out of the cracks in the house....knowing that the howls would indeed be much LOUDER when I escaped into the backyard and ran to the car.....it is sort of the same feeling I get as when i used to have to go into the basement at home.....do it as quickly as you can, perhaps do not even touch the ground....and they won't get you. Quickly hit the locks, breath, start engine.....

No wonder I need yoga. I go back to being 5 years old every morning, afraid of the dark.

Had a nice practice, long, and relaxed, not too sore actually....unlike yesterday's practice. My lower back has been pretty tender lately and I have been holding back on some back bending at the end (but am working the handstand thing instead). Plus I have noticed more apprenhension going into kapotasana.

I had a very deep adjustment in Eka Pada.....the teacher holds the foot away from the neck to release tension there, but really gets in deep at the same time....hips, whoah, hold on a minute.

ANd then there is the current fav, KV....again was able to lower nto arms and hold for five breaths, then do a quick scan of the body to remind myself where I was, and then try to lift, although the effort was not visible at all.

Work is a mega downer at the moment, I feel on the edge, wishing I could just CHANGE.....like snap my fingers and make it go away. With the school holidays next week, I will not be getting much done, not that I have this week either. H and I are doing a science fair here at the uni on Monday. Tuesday I am just going to take off, maybe we will catch Madagascar. I have H booked into two different workshop/holiday programs...one is at a local primary, but they have got this crew into to teach things like computer animation, science projects, etc....it looks really cool. Each kid gets their own computer. The second week he has 4 short days at a local rock gym, where they climb, mess around and play games all geared around climbing. I am excited, hopefully he will be. And then he might go and visit his grandparents on Waiheke for the last day. I guess it will all just go by, and before we know it, next term.