Ashtanga Traveler

This continues to surprise me....each day I approach the mat I have to re-introduce myself to my body, my breath, my focus....it's like "who the hell are you anyway"...some strange loop that keeps going round and round...oh hey we are here again...at the mat...yep it is the same, but whoah, I feel different.

Guess I had better get used to that...easier on good days of course.

Yesterday was one of those....where did this "useless" body come from....today was more like, right on!.

On the whole, my practice is slow and conscious. I am trying to sort out the issues in my back, slowly....this means taking lots of extra breaths between asanas.....moving carefully, supportive each movement, so as to not strain, not take for granted, not harm. I certainly look forward to the day when I can recover the fluidity, the grace....but I think for now I am in the right place doing the right thing....feeling the edges, breathing, not pushing past, being in control....(are we ever?)....interesting side point to comtemplate -

My shoulders felt out of wack this morning in down dogs.....yet my lower back felt very much in synch in all backbends....I am getting the hang of the controlled lift into handstand (still bending the knees) but so much so that now it is "hard" for me to push off, because the control level is not as great. You give, you take.....something comes, something goes....strange. I am definetly finding that all the work in forearm stands and KV, plus handstand work is wreaking havoc in my upper body...in a good way, mostly.....the hip opening stuff has had a similar effect in the lower torso, but I have to say I have "liked" that less.

All the work I have been doing to support my right knee has been great for getting around my legs and feet.....like they are on fire! In a way, I have felt like I am outgrowing my skin....too bad that will never happen in theis lifetime (cure for wrinkles in the mind though....).

Overall, good coupla days.

Tonight I am relief teaching a Mysore class...cuz my Main Teacher is arriving back from MYSORE...yeah!!!!!!! He should be on NZ turf at this moment...but I will not catch him til Sat am! Cannot wait....3 months away. Then tomorrow am I have my first real Mysore class....meaning it is my own class from now on! I am really excited. Really really!

A few things on the horizon otherwise include another 2 weeks of school holidays, a trip to Christchurch in Oct for a friend's wedding, I am told it involves a boat, lots of singing and perhaps a few Ivor Cutler verses....my cousin is headed this way for a few month's from Vermont, at xmas my Dad, and 3 bro's are hopefully going to make an appearance for a few weeks...then at the end of Jan, Craig is putting together a 20 year reunion trip up the Hookah Glacier in Mt Cook National Park.....of course I was not on the original trip......as I have reminded him I would have been 14/15 years old.....bit of a cradle robber I'd say. This to be followed by a 40th party for one of the reunioner's.....assuming he does not fall down a crevace...which apparently he has a knack for.....a bit of a trouble maker....

....Conrad pipes in "when ya gonna ring it, when ya gonna ring it?"....he has slipped ever so easily into rock'n'roller it is not funny.... Hux has air guitar down pat....as well as air drums.

What am I in for?

Most interesting conversation I over-heard yesterday....

"The mommy slug is eating the house......don't shut the door or you might squish her.....

Where is the baby slug now?

Um?"

About 15 minutes prior, H and C came running into the house carrying grapefruits covered in slugs.....I am thinking...where is the bloody salt?....but saying...take the wee slugs back outside, darlings, and put them in the grass......

But the slugs must be able to read minds...as now they are eating my house....and it is made of bricks no less? Bastards.

Despite mourning the loss of Daniel Carter to leg injury....the All Blacks faired well on Saturday night....For starters super cutie Dougie Howlett on the squad, number 14 jersey...and a hat trick no less....3 tries..... I have to say our skipper, Tana Umaga, is a stand up chap.....congratulating "Georgie" on his whatever hundredth test match, prior to any hooting and hollering, givin it it up to the men in black. And they took ahold two cups....

The Auzzies....well, quite frankly they are a mean looking bunch, not a single one of them on my list....in fact they go the other way....one "little" shiester with no neck kept right on at it with the no ball tackles.....the jerk. And they have to where yellow and green...yuck.

The Haka was impressive as usual....but they did not repeat the heart stopping new Haka, instead we had our old friend "Ka Mate". For South Africa last week.....Tana led a new one....all I could say was WOW.

SO for yoga.....teaching went really well on Friday....no one broke, phew. My own practice on Saturday was rather good although I was sore as in the the shoulders. My teacher is back and that is great...well rested and relaxed.

We had "Father's Day" on Sunday....so the boys and I took C to brunch and tried to give him a leisurely day over-all....although I did grab a kip on the couch in the afternoon for about 45 minutes....I am SURE I will hear about that til next year. I tried calling home to wish my Dad a Happy Father's Day even though in the US it is in June...but no success reaching him.

September is really and truly here and SPRING...yes, finally....the sun is rising hot and ready to bath our mildewed hearts, dry us out a bit.

I am cranky…practice was so rough going. Primary series this am, my usual Tuesday routine. Serious amount of pain in the lower back, far more than usual. I was having a very difficult time accessing the stablizing muscles around the spine. So each updog was slow and controlled, and the transition to downdog the same. I felt my age and then some this morning. I took many breaths beyond the norm in Kurmasana, trying to relax into it, extend the spine, release tension in the hips, move the chest forward and down…before crossing the ankles for supta K. This could actually be my least favourite leg-behind-the-head pose. But following with G.P. is such a relief, a treat even. I found Mari A abit more of a struggle than usual today….it is a pose that always surprises me….

It was labour intensive this morning, to put it mildly…and I cannot help but think it has to do with other frustrations I am experiencing right now, other things that are “getting� in the way. I felt rather undone when I finished….I just wanted to crawl underneath my blanket and not look out at anyone or anything….completely hide…actually maybe even become INVISIBLE. But I couldn’t….I had to get up, go home, get kids…drop them at school…etc, etc…go into the morning routine as if nothing had happened, nothing had shaken me to the point of feeling totally raw, exposed.

Sometimes I wonder about this. There was a time when I worked like mad; weekends, late into the night, I even slept at the lab a few times when the going got tough around my boss's R01 writing time....

This was, of course, BEFORE children... it is funny that I can even remember what those days were like. SO then I think about a parrallel universe where the "other" decisions were made, the "other" course....where would I be now? This is not to suggest that I am not happy with what I do have...I definitely am, and would not change anything....but I am sort of curious. I also wonder what compelled me so much when I was younger...what was it? I really do not feel that different....in that I am me, as I have been always....cripes, most of the time I still feel like I am about 16 or something.

I guess the point is we do sort of "change" even if we do not see it happening....even if it is totally obvious to others around us. But then again, maybe they are not really seeing anything, and it is just a superficial hoax.

I dunno.

I wonder when I watch my kids, because I can still remember feeling certain ways about myself even at 5 years old....not very confident, but then again confident, not too shy, but also not an in your face sort of girl....I was not a goody-two shoes, but also not a total rebell....

But these are my perceptions....I can remember my mother saying to me in middle school that she thought I should "try" to get a B...that is instead of an A...just for once to see how it would feel....this was my mother....but she had a very good point. And that is really what is the point of grades, anyway...why work so hard all the time?

I do not have that problem anymore....well in my current job, anyway. SO that takes me to a different place...why do i really work at some things and pitch others....motivation, love for what I am doing....okay, this matters to me. SO I am attached to some things and not others, but the attachment is inherently biased, clearly.

I recently started to think about what my life is going to become, say when my kids are bigger....like when they can go and do things for a few hours and be perfectly fine...like read a book, or do homework, whatever. Basically a time when I am not totally dominated by "I wants" from them....or "I can't" .... or "Can you"... or just plain...."MUMMMMM!".......

Weird.

So I am about 4 months away from 35 (feeling 16, looking?)...with 2 kids, and a partner....working, studying, practicing, parenting.

Can someone tell me what this is for? I mean not the emotional stuff....the other stuff....the reality stuff. One could easily go a bit mad working this through....even just for fun let's say.

But all this takes me very quickly to places like New Orleans, the Gaza Strip, Sri Lanka.... and of course even this pondering seems preposterious. But the point is there are so many of us, just so many...in all different places with different circumstances, beleifs, ways of life. I guess it becomes somewhat overwhelming....so I like the idea of hiding out, becoming that invisible person again, is that giving up?

oh, and practice...eh!

Nice second series up to KV. Have a few things to work on from my teacher...like getting more air in jump thrus and backs......so I guess it is safe to say he noticed me dragging my ass around this am. I am sort of stumped by the lower back pain....I think it mostly stems from not extending enough in the dreadful leg-behind-the head poses....but man, it is so hard. I am trying to work it more in Krounchasana, and titibhasana and yesterday spent a long while in kurmasana. However, what I am noticing is overall tenderness in the lower back area in twists, forward bends etc...so I really want to figure this out and not seriously hurt myself. I do find a significant amount of relief in backbends.....but generally at the start it is a bit challenging.

Got to catch Kung Fu Hustle.....I'd give it ****.

Those few moments before my hands came down on the soles of my feet into kapotasana seemed "stretched" in time. I took a slightly different mental angle going into it today, new strategic tactic if you will...to lessen the intense blow to the nerves, the spine particularly the tender lumbar area. Indeed it is not so much the pose that gets me...it is going into it....

SO this morning I tried something new....without a diagram I am not sure this will be entirely clear, but I am going to give it a whirl. Stance to start, lifted up from the knees, thighs rolling in slightly, tailbone tucked under, palms in namaste, shoulders down, chest open...chin tilted down just slightly....I took a few breathes here and imagined my spine elongating upward...on the exhalation I followed that sense of elogation by raising the chin up and began to arch up and over some kind of invisibile ball...taking more weight onto my knees...pushing the pelvis forward, without compromising the inward rotation of the thighs ....at least as much as possible.....imagined the chest lifting, and the thoracic spine curving...to the point where I could see my feet....now clearly I am bending in the lumbar region as well....but again I am trying to focus on an extended curl in the entire spine, versus the lumbar crunch.....these few breaths also involve "waves" of change in the pelvis and thigh area...to gradually allow more space in the lower back.....the time suspended sequence was next....from namaste I extended my arms up just slightly and then allowed them to follw the very same invisible ball path until they were straightened out nearly with the palms still pressed together....I am telling you I felt and amazing opening in the chest, and it just kept on coming.....another breath and then I grabbed ahold of the feet as usual and settled into the pose....I felt totally relaxed....still strong in the core, still working to keep space in the lower back....

After coming up I was so shakey....much more so that usual. And I am not that surprised as this was possibly one of the times when I was able to beyond my own edge without sacraficing safety (physical, emotional, etc)....as if it was meant to be that way, inevitable....like a raindrop hitting the ground. As if the circulation of my hands to my feet created more energy than that which was additive....bang.

SO needless to say that was a highlight.

Awhile later something else happened....in Eka Pada Sirsasana....I actually caught myself saying (not aloud...but still)...."I hate this, I hate this, I hate this".....how childish is that? Thankfully I was rescued by adjustment from my teacher...second side eka pada, Dwi pada, and going into yoganidrasna.....she can so read my mind. Each time she was able to push that little bit further, getting the leg just that much more over my shoulder, calf mucsle out of the way, so I can aim to extend the spine...instead of collapsing.

And as for KV...small break through.....like tiny, but I think important....one of the things that I tend to do is let the ribs go....probably because my back is like a wet noodle so I spread my ribs out to counter balance my big but and curved spine....sounds lovely, I know. Anyway, I tried very hard not to do that...keep the ribs in.....so what changes is that instead of having that feeling like I need to lift the chest up and through my arms as I come down, what I really need to do is press down and forward, and perhaps just lift the chin a bit...in this way I will not compromise my shoulder lock as much and hopefully (one day) will be able to lift back up. The other very key thing I am now doing (thanx to Kiran) is folding much more at the hips initially, sort of lifting the sitsbones up, really pushing the feet into the abdomen.....ya know someone might think I am alittle bit too focused on the physical assessment....oh well.

I have been thinking about Peter Sanson's Xmas/NY's workshop....I am signed up to go, but I am hesistant about making really firm plans because my family may be coming down from the Northern hemisphere....I really think I should go.....I think I need to hear that very gentle "relax".

That feeling "something is just not right...cannot quite move my shoulder in the right way to relieve the ....ummmm...pinching, urgh!"

This had been going since Sunday night.... yesterday after a few salutes at home I decided to not even think about going further until I could see my teachers....so finally this morning I talked to my teachers about it....thank god.....crack.....and then huge amounts of relief.....something was pressing against something, or pinched or whatever, but a few deep exhalations later (along with some pressure on the thoracic spine, lots of cracks, lying on my tummy of course) found the little "baddie" and now I am back to my old self again.

But wow, when things are not right....it is so strange....I did not feel like I "owned" the pain, the twinging....it was not mine or something I could control at all. And now I can feel the residue of the tension, so it is tender but not twinging....one of my teachers used this AMAZING homeopathic rub to help releive the tension folling the adjustment.....wow, it was all I needed for the day.

Anyway....Sat am practice was probably the best I have had in a long time.....best lowering effort into KV ever....and I have a new tip...this is definitely in the "cheat" category, but I think it is possibly okay as part of the learning process....so the after lowering and holding for five breaths....lean way forward, stick the chin out as much as possible...even place it on the mat to help get that "lifting" sort of feelin....anyway, I still did not budge one inch when I did this....but what it does do is provide a fulcrum point to help focus the energy onto really pressing down along the forearms in order to help raise up (well, theoretically). I was cautioned of course that indeed...one needs to abandon this cheat when you get the feeling of the lift.....it is always just a little bit harded isn't it...

Backbends were also good. SO I have now implement the lift to handstand for all drop overs and scorpion handstand....but not for tic tacs....eh eh, no way....tooooo hard. But there are some interesting observations about the difference between drop overs and scorpion to then drop over....okay so this is how I have been taught...

Back bends:

3 UD
3 drop backs
3 tictac
3 drop over (holding the first handstand for 5 breaths)
1 scorpion (hold for 5 breaths) and drop over
oops...forgot 4 assisted drop backs and Chakra Bandasana.

So in the last two; ie drop over and scorpion.....lifting up into the handstand does indeed change the dynamic nature of the beast (s). And mainly what I have noticed is that there are many more subtle movements in the shoulder area required to maintain control....so if you are a control freak...then you will dig this I think...anyway, most of what is that when you drop over you need to extend ALOT more along the arm pit side, creating as much space as possible in thoracic vertebrae....then as you let your feet descend, keep the legs straight for as long as possible, creating an arc with the body, looking forward with the chin.....it feels as though most of the weight of the body is focused around the shoulders, pressing back towards where you came. In the scorpion things are slightly different....bending at the knees, and then a major change happens in the shoulders...external rotation in the arms to help press the shoulder blades down and out, head lifts up to meet the feet....and then itis a simple walk down to the floor....the back takes more of the weight of the body....I should say, "shares" it with the shoulders (or so it seems to me). I guess what I am trying to say is that these things are very different.

Now as for how the lift vs jump thing changes this....well I think when you lift up, you are more "responsible" for movong the shoulders first forward enough to take the weight forward and get legs up, but then back and up again to straightned the body out....I did not noticed the intricacies of this as much as when I simply pushed off from the ground. I can only guess that when you can lift up with entirely straight legs this would be even more obvious....I bend at the knees slightly and it helps to keep the weight centered over the hips and shoulders along the way.

My physio has me doing some great exercises to help increase strength in the lower back....L2 being a bit of a doozer spot apparently.

The weekend was a slow and lazy one, spring is definitely underway here....warm mornings, lots of sun, a slight breeze. H and C are getting along for the most part....they made friends with the neighbors who were outside in their garden as well...and dragged many grapefruits over to them....probably more than they wanted, I am guessing....but H and C insisted on sharing. We had a great dinner with friends on sat night...this amazing vegen sausage/pasta....and I am not kidding it gave me the freaks, it seemed so much like meat...taste, smell, texture...yikes. Generally I do not do that sort of "like" meat thing, but this was fun to try, and needless to say it was an amazing treat to have someone cook for us....

On sunday night we attended a b-day potluck....and this was a real meat fest. Conrad and Huxley were calling the roast beef and lamb, chicken....rather amuzing. Despite not eating very much(and of course not the meat), I still managed to feel ill through the night...sometimes I think I talk myself into this...but then it was still going through this morning and now I feel fine...so maybe it had to do with the pinched nerve thing...who knows.

There are a few more TV shows that we have begun to watch....I can hardly believe that I even have some "shows" but they are rather amuzing.....if you can check them out:

The Robinsons
My Life in Film

....now if you could equate the quality of practice with scent....then we are talking rotten eggs....sulphur, beta-mercaptoethanol, distillation of wood experiment from 8th grade IPS.....bad shit.

A few things I want to remeber in case things change:

My legs are too long (sometimes)
My torso is too short (sometimes)
I am too weak (sometimes)
I am too flexible (sometimes)
I am too tight (sometimes)

right...so on with the day.

Small confession:

My latest post practice breakie....yummy fruit salad with fresh mint, lemon juice, soaked linseed, sunflower seed, and pumpkin seed, kiwi fruit (we have them til the cow's come home at the moment), gala apples, banana, orange and grapefruit....and get this...CHOCOLATE CHIPS! It is the best.

Small break thru with Hux....he went to the after-school care room for an hour after school yesterday and HE LIKED IT!!!! AND wants to go back next week.

Some difficult discussions on the home front about the plans for the next year and half or so......hard to get my head around really.

What can I say....I am sitting at my work desk, in the usual kind of chair (with a low back) trying to keep an ice block on my sore as intercostal muscle, top right side...between spine and scapula....of course I do not really know it is an intercostal, could be rhombiods, traps?....just hurts to breath.....the posture I am in is probably doing far worse things to my back....I cannot really pinpoint what I did when.....it just hurts....so ice it is off and on today, and then I will try fluttering my eyelids to get a massage tonight.....which I probably should hold off on until tomorrow but I KNOW it would feel great....so I will be sure to ice before and after.

Highlights of practice this morning....

Well there was that moment when tears welled up in the Eka pada adjustment...my favorite pose. God, my hips are trhe place where all the tension goes.....shoulders, way open...no sweat...hips....urgh.

KV just plain sucked. Only one attempt, got down okay and then had serious help lifting...now what I mean by serious help is along the lines of please lift me up, cuz I am goin nowhere. There was a bit of a discussion about this pose following my ridiculus attempt.....about what it is like to be ata seeming standstill with a pose. I have to admit, this is probably the first time I have really, really just plain not been able to do something, even remotely, and the thing is there does not appear to even be a little handy shortcut.....it is do or die category....even going down there are baby steps to take....make you feel like progress is happening...but not here, not trying to press back up....now what
I am curious about is how many people move on before they can actually do the entire thing; ie master it? I am guessing that it probably depends on the person, the teacher etc. I asked my own teacher today (in the midst of this conversation about it) whether the poses that followed this one were of any use to it....meaning would they provide more foundation for it. Of course PM is necessary in order to do KV....but what other things in second up to that really help you prepare? There is bakasana A and B.....there are jump back and thrus, salutes and chaturanga. There are a few times in primary....bhudja P and Kukukt, taken forward a bit. But the basic movement of pushing back up into a proper forearm balance from the duck, is like a two phaser thing, requiring almost a slingshot sort of action with the arms....and these pups are no slingshots believe me. In all of this I have noticed that my right arm is way bigger than my left. SO to try and work the left more I have been trying to take my weight more obviously onto the left arm, for instance in jump thrus and backs.

My person preference about all this is not so much that I am not strong enough (well entirely) but that I have also not worked out the breath bandha connection yet....the coordination is seriously lacking. I know this is true because I can do somethings if I coordinate properly, which I would never have the brute strength to do otherwise.

I have been focussing on making sure my heels do not move one little fraction of an inch in my drop backs, coming up....little blighters have a tendency to do this little wiggley thing.

Did I mention eka pada....ya. It has had me spun out all day....I have the chills....oh wait that could be the ice.....

Kapotasana was cool. My focus here is to try and spread the arch out, further up the spine...seems to be working, as my lower back has not been as sore. Plus I am double checking my spine during practice with my hands, to see that I am getting the most extenion as possible (in between asanas).

And I am tired...like I feel like going home and having a nap.

Must have got it from Chris and Cameron.....weird....these bugs....they can even travel in virtual time....woah. SO not only is the ashtanga classroom a place to pass on bugs, but so is ashtangi.net......sensing strange sci-fi thriller.....The Lawn-Mower Man meets The Plague.

Okay....so we had the little family holiday up north, mid week of the first week of school holidays here.....I love taking time off mid-week....seems so "bad-ass"....forget about the long weekend type of thing...where you are not REALLY on holiday. 3 days away, much needed.

So we spent time at a friend's bach....aka crib, cottage, pad.....where there is a long drop aka out-house (that of course goes all the way through the earth to the other side of the planet and according to Huxley everything that goes in will "end up in space then, eh mum?!". I have to hold back....let his mind work it out for just a bit longer.

So we got some pixies.....and will post more later....still have holiday craziness to contend with for the next few days.

"Super-baddie"

Gummies in Action (notice the feet)

I am feeling heaps better as is the rest of the family for the most part....a few coughs in the night here and there, so big cuddles, and lots of TLC. Thanx to all for lovely comments and emails!

I have a few more pix of some asana, but the damn batteries (2 lots of them) crashed out AGAIN!.....believe me there were words.....