Ashtanga Traveler

So the truth is I go through the same thing each time I try to do this pose....and that would be karandavasana. I can get into lotus, lower down to my arms (generally, although sometimes it takes a go or two), I can hold the pose while continuing to lift up, and then as soon as I count the 5th exhalation I totally loose it.....all my focus goes into drama and anxiety...and the blind spot hits me like a Mac Truck, blaze of darkness. So nothing happens, ha!

I then plunk my big ass down on the mat in defeat yet again, head hung low. Sounds quite theatrical...believe it is, well, on the inside anyway.

A few huffs and puffs later, a few "I hate this pose" internal screams, followed by "don't think that, if you think that way...you'll never work it out".....followed by "right clear the mind, try again, breath", place forearms on the mat, wiggle them around a few times, rumple the fingers, trying to find the sweet spot yet again, never actually knowing if indeed it is found.

Teacher comes by for this attempt, nod....saying "you ready for me" in silence....of course what I want to do is go into my entire intellectual assessment of this cheeky asana...cuz that will really mean I "understand" it despite my repeated vain attempts at it, over and over and over. So I nod back, take a breath, freak out for a fraction of a second, replace forearms...and we...meaning "WE the team" are off again. This one is even more painful than the first attempt....god, where is my body? I know my mind has checked out...not in the "still your mind" yogic way though.....if were only that easy, right.

Spasmo limbs drop down to the floor after being hoisted back up into forearm stand and untangling the knot that is my two legs.

What next?.....I take a moment. What can I do here to push my edge on my own? So, the light bulb brightens just a bit....I will just try to go in and out of lotus while maintaining my balance.....sounds pretty good, will mean leaving the pose on a high-er note....hopefully. ANd actually I think that was a pretty good idea....I went into lotus, held for about 5 breath, then undid legs to come to balance again...then timbered to the floor.....no graceful exit for me these days, but it was okay. Repeated that one more time.

I succombed to the mat for a few breaths and hit backbends. Clearly what I need to do is find a friend in this pose, somewhere, to show me out of the darkness.....I guess what I need to do is be patient.

Conrad is having a blast with this mail project. He has received lots of interesting tidbits from around the world. A recent post-card from Rew, Israel via NYC.....lllama photos from his Great grandmother in Florida, stickers and a lovely letter from his Great Aunt in Vermont, postcards from friends in NYC, great uncle in Vermont, Joey in Mysore, photos of all his second cousins in Western Massachusetts along with a Halloween card...which btw I totally forgot about.....I mean it is spring here, how am I to remember....luckily, it is a totally low key thing here...there were two "angels" that turned up at our step...C ransacked the house for treats (I was out teaching a yoga class) and came up with something....

Anyway, we are spending some time sending off return postcards and drawings, little bits of Conrad scribble and lots and lots of love.....but it is pretty hard to get him to do more than one a day....

So I have not practiced yet....taught this morning at 6. I set my alarm for 3:45am...but.....need I say more...I did not get up til 5am. Off to the shala at a leisurely pace. Had the place to myself for about a half hour.

So now I have to decide to I practice after my lunchtime class or do I wait until later in the afternoon, once I am home with the kids? Clearly a home practice does not provide me with the same sense of solitude and peace, but at the same time, being around my family fills me with joy, even when I get "jumped on". And I end up with more face time at my real job.

I think I will jest wait to see how things unfold.

Conrad was very excited about his dress up day today....of course we forgot all of his stuff on the way to school, so I had to drop off Hux first then go back home and get Connie's gear.

Need I say more.....

Several more parcels/posties have arrived....Hanuman via NYC (Chatvari) and Mindbending Stonehendge via the UK. Killer whales in Vancouver, Fenway Park....and the GREEN Monster.

Both Huxley and Conrad are now just as "stuck" as I am chanting Om Namaha Shivaya....much to my husband's chagrin.....

it is quite funny because He and I were having a conversation about the Hindu Gods and Sages.....(he finds all religion to be offensive...does not matter what it is).... about icons and religion, representation etc....(a bit firey really, but in a good way, to a certain extend because now we have Patanjali, Ganesha, Buddha, and Hanuman IN THE HOUSE)....and both H and C were singing this chant in the background while they were playing....he of course did not notice! I just smiled sweetly and to myself.

Yep it has just really sucked, lately....to the point of...why am I doing this anymore?

I wish I had the appropriate glasses to put on right now that would help me to see the reason why....can ya buy them?

Or perhaps I just need to call the gods in to change the weather...kick the dark cloud out.....sounds so simple.

I do realise that my moaning and groaning about it does not make things better, in fact it just sets up a horrible self-pity trip, heaps of selfishness, and all that "take for granted" stuff....

I know I have a lot to be thankful for......so for now I will just hold my breath a bit and think about my boys.

.......

The loss of Rod Donald as Green Party co-leader has left both C and I feeling very human, delicate, and sad.

I am not entirely sure what to make of this guy...message seems pretty clear, need to make fuel from alternate sources, cuz fossil fuels ain't gonna last, enviro issues, global wamring etc etc....but to go ahead with having YOUR OWN BODY FAT harvested in order to convert it to BIO DIESEL....a slight reach, no?

I am not kidding. Seemingly half-baked boatsman here in NZ had lisposuction done and is adding the 100mls of body fat that was collected to the pot of 70,000lt of fat - (mostly from animal sources) he needs to get his boat around the world. Apparently his 100ml will get him 50 metres, but he assured the capitavated news audience that his will be the first used on the trip.

He also said......and I quote "what I really need are some fat bastards"

So there you go....solve the obesity problem and generate an alternate fuel to keep the greenies happy (oh and of course all future generations that are going to live in a totally f*cked world as a result of all the fossil fuel mass consumption, single person, highway communting SUV drivers in particular!)

The night before last I was also modestly entertained by Jeremy Wells and Eating Media Lunch. I am not sure he has a limit, my gut says no. It is far to much to go into what he actually does discuss on his show...but let me tell you, my belly aches by the end of it...navasana contender for sure.

Yoga fronts or backs...

Nothing too special...been tired this week. Kids have woken up frequently during the night. I have been staying up too late (watching these shows clearly)......can smell summertime around the bend...thank god.

Connie recieved a great letter and some photos from Samasthiti's youngest.....will be a responce in the next few days. His wall is looking quite amazing with all these great bits from around the world. Thank you so much to all of youthat made the effort to help him with this project. It has been loads of fun. He has sent out some return items, so keep watch.

....with head cut off....sort of how I am feeling right now...It is been such a busy last week or so. Too busy.

Not sure where to begin. Yoga has been full on. Had a module weekend (4hr Sat and 4 hrs Sun) along with practice (2hr) and teaching (2hrs) on Sat. It was the last of the Teaching SKills Course (three weekends in total). But in addition to that I had to get the assignement for the weekend done for yesterday....that was a good chunk of time as well...probably on the order of 20 hours or so over the past 6 weeks, of course a big part of that was over the last week....cuz I put things off, always have always will I think.

I am not that pleased with how the essay turned out. I did not want to ask C to edit it for me, cuz I figured he would give me heaps of shit for what I was writing about.....so not having someone (outside of myself) to edit my writing is generally a bad thing. But I might just continue to work on it just to ease my own pain....and you never know when something like that might come in handy.

Last coupla practices have been low key ladies practices....so mothing to report really on that front.

Huxley had a field day today....OMG tramatic....he came in third in his race which means he did not go to the finals....and it was a really close race btw him and the person in second, in fact I could not even tell who won. he was quite upset. Now, unfortunately I have that little competitive thing in me...so I know his heart must have been in his shoes. He asked if I could take him home as his eyes filled with tears. He just wanted to go home and have lunch, not have to stay at school. I am sure he will be fine (I have not picked him up yet).....but I still feel for him.

Sorry the picture is crap....but he he is at the start, second from the left....

Anyway, I am going to get a little pressie for him on my way to pick him up. What else can I do....he wants an All Black Cap, so he can "be" Daniel Carter....by the way BOTH All Balck Teams are kicking huge amounts of wussy Irish, Welsh and otherwise butts in Europe right now.....I am not sure how to rub it in enough...but we have two full teams, not just one...with totally different lineups.

Conrad has received more great mail, from Joey in Varanasi and Agra, from some friends in Thailand, and family in the US. He is loving it, and his wall is turing into quite a great sight. He is also turning 4 in a few weeks. Very hard to believe. They grow up so fast. We are going to combine his Bday, with a Thanxgiving dinner (although its gonna be on Sunday) which is our usual ritual for this time of year.

Teaching has been going great. I just love it. I have been learning lots of new adjustments from my teacher too, which is cool. ANd have been approached about taking on a class with some women nearby as a semi-private....something to think about.

I practiced before the afternoon Mysore class that I was relieving yesterday.....I only went up to Eka Pada of second......then was running short of time, so had to close and get ready to teach. I did a very fast practice, with none of the hemming and hawing that often happens as I anticipate a pose.....I think it is good for me to try and be super focused on exactly what I am "supposed" to do. No extra recovery breaths in doward facing dog for instance.....no, laghu vajrasana B, no split handstand after prasaritas, no thrills backbends.....just cruise right on through....or bulldoze depending on the pose.

Teaching was pretty quite yesterday afternoon. This morning I had my usual 6am class....I pushed one person a bit more than usual. She was responsive, which was great. I am really trying to find my footing on how much to push people and how much to let them be. As the teacher it is a delicate balance really, so much is going on for each person. I am feeling more confident about being a stronger figure, but I still have a long way to go.

I have been thinking about Mysore (India that is) a lot. It was a year ago that we took off on the first trip. So I am wondering how the hell are we gonna swing the next one....and when? I suppose I should just settle into patience, but I am finding that hard....I wanna know! There is a very little girl inside this body that wants EVERYTHING.....hmph. But the reality is that the little girl does not win much anymore....I mean i am not complaining here...okay I am...but I am lucky, and I do know that.

It took me well into the afternoon of the next day to recover from the movie.....or was it the movie, perhpas not the movie so much as the reality behind the movie....the what I do know and what I do not know.

I was taken back to India in a flash....the faces. The innocence and yet the wisdom in such open eyes.

I was taken back to classes in Medical Microbiology in university, early 90's....when the CDC lady came in for a guest lecture to discuss things like efficacy testing in developing countries....things that just do not happen in the West, but which are just the guts of another day in other places....makes me sick.

Equality? I reminded my brother of that when he left for Iraq.....

Those eyes, the smiles and laughter.....the movement.

I could only listen to the last 45 minutes or so of the movie because I was motion sick.....a long day of teaching and work, more ink on the skin to make me even more sensitive perhaps.....

I woke up in tears on Saturday morning. Stayed behind to get the kids breakfast going before heading to practice and assist....wondering if what I was doing was really "worthy".

I mean what...WHAT......am I doing?

Is it enough? Could it ever be?

The past few days have been actually sort of cold. SO I am still hanging round the heater in the am maysore class as usual. I am so used to it, that even when it is not on I still hamper over to it.....

We have been practicing this week in the big room, which is generally only an Saturday affair cuz there are so many people coming through. It is nice.....the sun sweeps in, which can acually be a bit dazzling during practice, so often the curtains are drawn to avoid blindness.

My youngest turns four on the weekend, the 27th. He still toddles though, so I am not so shocked by this new age. One last year til school, wow. On par with H's 4th bday, we have picked out a new bike for him.

I have another full weekend ahead. I suppose I have been sort of quiet on the writing front because of all that I am taking in right now. I seem a bit over full and not able to concentrate for long. So it goes Friday I teach the am Mysore and the lunchtime led class....then Sat, I assit for 2 of the 4 hours of Mysore and practice myself the other 2, then I have four hours of a philosophy workshop/course which again happens on Sunday. So it is intense.

And it is Connie's bday on Sunday and we are having people and kids round to celebrate that in the early eve. I am sure come Monday I will be a total mess, exhausted, but happy.

I have more or less collapsed in the evening each night of this past week, just very very tired.

I cannot wait for the holidays. I cannot wait to get the hell out of Auckland and actually enjoy New Zealand.

It was one year ago tomorrow that we jumped on the flight to India (well actually SIngapore, but India from there)...and I am simply jonesing for it again. When, oh when?

Plus as it is thanxgiving, I cannot help but think of all my friends and family at home that will be sharing a gorgeous meal together. I really miss this holiday. But we will be a doing a little glasses clink on SUnday to the idea of sharing food....of course it will be more like BBQ and strawberry shortcake, versus turkey and pumpkin.

Today started out with one of those truely wonderful practices...the ones you more or less cherish..and hold onto for many days until the next one comes around. I felt light and strong, focused, calm, and happy. I was overwhelmed at times with appreciation and gratitude. I noticed how my breath changed from asana to asana, when I needed to have a wee break and take a few extra breaths, when i felt I needed to push forward without hesitation....I addressed the likes and dislikes as they presented themselves and tried to bring them together in a kind of union to create balance and support the flow of prana.

I also landed Karandavasana with much more control than ever before. This comes after some intense discussion and dissection with another yogi about the underside of the asana, sort of speak.....and I am sooooo appreciate for his patience and time to work with me on this. Coming up is another story all together, but the difference now is that the foundation is there, strong and stable. And to be quite frank the tips and support I was given have entirely changed the pose for me....that powerful, I kid you not.

So then after practice on to home, kids, and then work.....same old. From work I headed back to the yoga school for the lunchtime led class at noon... great class..... then back to work, on foot....so of course I decided I needed to drop by the tattoo studio for a chat with my artist and to also pass along a free intro class card....as the school is running a bit of promo for the month of Dec... this was after stopping in for a quick flat white (anything to avoid going back to work)....

Anyway, I then booked in for a "quickie" in January basically enough to use up my credit with them, so not a complete sitting, etch away at what I have going.....I was hoping to get in a sesh before xmas....but he is totally booked...so I am on the cancellation list....like number 25 or something....therefore highly unlikely. But oh well. So far everything from my last sitting has healed up nicely with the exception of the pain in the neck area just in the front part of the armpit...lots of movement there, with yoga especially so I will have to have that spot filled in again so the ink is even. I have also decided that I want one more bit of flax flower in the front, and perhaps anotherone goin down the back/side....so more or less things are going to continue withthis one for awhile. But I do have the digs started on the next major work.... down (or up, depending) the right leg....looking forward to that.

I was hoping to post the birthday pix from the past weekend, but batteries are dead AGAIN. SO perhaps tomorrow. Conrad is quite a little cutie on his new bike. More to come......