Like a tonne of bricks....
I'll apologise in advance for my sentimentality, but it's like it all just hit me tonight. The reality that I've been trying to ignore, the fact that I'm leaving my life here behind, leaving behind the friends who have become my family away from home over the past five years...in less than two weeks I'm not going to be able to go to Sunday afternoon movies with my Gay Husband, and the 6 of us who normally get together for dinner on Tuesday night will be minus one.
I'm moving somewhere new, and while that surely will afford me new opportunities and new friends and new fun, leaving the old behind is hitting me hardcore right now.
I know I'm going to see these people again. I know they're the people who are going to remain my friends for the rest of my life, but I also know that moving day, the 30th of April, is going to be a tearful one.
I guess, I dunno, I guess Montreal really became my home. Certainly my parents' home no longer feels like home. I made myself a home here..and that era is ending. We're all moving onto new things, around the globe, Ontario, Tokyo, Taipei, and for some, destinations that are still to be decided. And that reality is a rough one for me. I'm leaving my comfort zone, something I'm not very good at.
And I'm not too anxious about going back to school or about making new friends, those are things I'm good at, I'm just sad that this has to end.
Every time I pull myself together something new hits me: I won't be able to just call the Neighbours and go watch a movie with them whenever I want, I won't be able to swing by the Model's house on a random weeknight with a bottle of wine for endless hours of conversation...my safety net is being packed away, my virtual family is separating, and that sucks, a lot.
I'll be fine when I'm settled in in London, but I'm dreading the tanstitional phase when I know no one, and I'll be living by myself for the first time...moving to a place that you've only been to half a dozen times in your life, where you only know like, two people is fucking scary. Leaving behind so much that you love is scarier.
Can't look back. Musn't look back.
"Nobody said it was easy
Oh it's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be this hard
Oh take me back to the start"
--Coldplay