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August 31, 2004
Opportunity Knocks
Came home to find out that the idea that I pitched to the editor this morning was a hit and she wants me to write the article! I can't believe that I'm achieving a goal that I only set last week...I'm excited and exhilirated and so happy to be right where I am right now.
Work's been awesome..I love everyone there so much. There's a lot of laughter and a lot of joking and it's just a fantastic atmosphere in which to spend my days. Things seems to be falling into place...just like they always do.
Sunday night I went out with E, S, Z and T...was supposed to be dinner and a movie, but it turned into dinner, four bottles of wine, some vodka tonics and then martinis (which I skipped out on)...bad yogi! It was so, so much fun though (although the horrible hangover wasn't so good at work yesterday)...one of the funnest nights I've had in...longer than I can remember, probably since my trip (save for a couple nights that were fun in a whole different way, but...there's nothing quite like being out with your closest friends, laughing endlessly for hours). It's so fantastic to have everyone back in the city again. Everything's starting again. Z and G are both moving close to me this year, and A is moving in here tonight, which will be so, so exciting. Things are good...things are very good. It never ceases to amaze me how quickly things that look so bleak can turn around and look so hopeful and positive and filled with possibility...in so many ways. I think it's so true that when you wake up in the morning you can choose to be happy or you can choose to be miserable...I chose happy, and it's working.
As I surround myself more and more with really cool, creative, intelligent, hilarious people it becomes clear to me that maybe I was off the mark in the past, but hey, everything happens for a reason...and so many reasons are popping up every day, good reasons, great reasons.
I wrote a long letter this weekend...a vertiable essay, but there was something that was holding me back from sending it, and with each passing day I feel less and less compelled to send it, as I begin to feel at peace with the past. I feel like I'm accepting it for what it was, being thankful for it, and moving on. There's no use in looking back.
"And now the snow is falling; all the roads are gone
The earth keeps moving but I'm moving on
I had so much to tell you, but no words to say
It doesn't matter anyway"
--Heather Nova
"I don't need the pain
From your mind games"
--Save Ferris
Posted by alegato at 8:18 PM | Comments (0)
SO excited!
This is just a quick note before I head out to work this morning to say that I have been offered a writing job!!!! I emailed an editor the other day, and this morning I had an email from her in my inbox letting me know all the topics that are to be covered in the next issue and telling me to pick one and start working on it..submissions are due October 10th!
Posted by alegato at 9:23 AM | Comments (2)
August 29, 2004
Roome to Breathe
Ah. It was so nice to get away to the country this weekend, but it's just as nice to be back home in the city, back to my answering machine full of messages from friends (who are all back in town) asking me to go out last night, not to mention the drunken voice mail I got from G last night asking me to marry him (let's just say that's not a viable option!). Oh, and also exciting is the reply I got to an email from an old, close friend from high school, E. I was changing the photo in a picture frame the other day and in doing so came across some photos of her and I, which made me want to get in touch again, find out about her life. So I did, although I didn't know if she had the same email address still...turns out she did. Yay! Always exciting to reconnect with old friends. Weird how something small like putting a new photo in a frame can spawn renewed correspondences with old friends (Tina: the picture I was putting in the frame was the one of you, Meg and I on the roof of the Om house, that you gave me before I left Mysore). So, yeah.
It was such a nice, nice weekend at Tremblant. My brother has an absolutely gorgeous house there, and it was lovely to be hanging out with my mum and step dad. We didn't do too much, which was perfect. Spent our time walking around the village, browsing in St. Jovite, enjoying the views from the summit of the mountain, playing Scrabble, watching Dirty Dancing...nothing out of the ordinary. But as my step dad said the other day, the feeling he felt the other day while the three of us were just sitting around the house spending time together as a family was contentment. Complete and utter contentment. I sat there and thought, 'this is all I need.'
(playing Scrabble with my mum)
(view from the top of the mountain)
Got into a little trouble on Friday and then again on Saturday...went into the admin building at the bottom of the village to use the washroom and it was then that my mum discovered the giant liquidation sale that was going on....my response, "Oh no...what have you done?!?" So...I ended up with some new ski wear (which I desperately needed)...and then we went back yesterday and picked my up some new skis (and boots, and bindings)...we decided that they're early Christmas gifts...I can't wait to ski this year.
(the news skis with which I am clearly obsessed)
Going to Tremblant makes me wish it was winter, but not really...just there. If it could be winter there and remain summer in Montreal that would be perfect. I hope to get in some good skiing this year...last year was screwed up when my one opportunity (before I went away) was dashed by rain and freezing rain. My latest problem: finding a place to store the skis and boots in my apartment...
Didn't sleep very well last night, the bed I sleep in at Tremblant makes me claustrophobic...came back to Montreal this morning, and my mum and step dad left to drive home. I contemplated going back to bed, but knew that would only result in (a) being unable to sleep tonight, and (b) confused grogginess when I finally woke up...thus in an effort to stay awake I have turned to my new friend caffeine. I'd excommunicated caffeine from my life about a year ago, but...it's slowly (on a maybe, twice weekly basis) sneaking back into my life...
Planning on giving G a call today (in response to his drunken marriage proposal) and probably E as well, oh, and A too...need to find out when he's moving in. But since it sounds like they were all out last night I'm going to wait a little longer to be sure not to wake them.
Other than that...Tremblant was good, because it gave me time to think, time to breathe and time to feel. Tomorrow is back to work day. Today I pay bills and draft some letters to magazine editors...yippee.
Posted by alegato at 12:32 PM | Comments (1)
August 24, 2004
Brainwashed? Perhaps...but it makes life sunny!
I think that one of the best things about my new job is that all employees have to make a list of their one, five and ten year goals in three different categories: health, career and personal. Admittedly, I kind of rolled my eyes at this idea in the beginning, but I've since cme to really embrace it. The idea behind it is that writing down your goals forces you to (a) think very seriously about your future wants and needs, (b) build a plan to get there (working backwards from your ten year goals) and (c) writing down goals makes them concrete and real, rather than fleeting dreams that are so easy to put on the backburner or just plain give up on as soon as a challenge pops up along the path to achieving them.
Last night I finally finished my list of goals (well,my first draft), which included three goals in each category for each time period (so, 27 goals in total)...it was a lot more difficult than I thought it was going to be to come up with goals, but I have to say that I wrote down some goals that, until I really started thinking about it, I didn't even know I had. They were things that would cross my mind from time to time, but now that they've been recorded I feel like they've become priorities and will be achieved. It's amazing how the little (albeit sometimes daunting) task of sitting down and writing out your goals can make them seem much more attainable and give your seemingly aimless life more direction and thus, give you more drive and more idea of what to do next. I could not have found a better company for whom to work. I feel that no matter what comes of my work for them (whether I decide to stay with them in the long-term as their company expands like crazy and a ton of opportunities open up for those with a history with the company, or I simply move on to something new)I know that in some way this is going to have a big impact on me, it already is, and for that, and the fact that this opportunity came along at all and that I took advantage of it, I am very, very thankful and very, very happy.
When setting goals we are told not to share them with anyone except for fellow goal-setters, because often those who are not goal-setters can be negative and discouraging, but I feel that fellow ashtangis are a pretty positive, encouraging group, so I've chosen to share a few of my favourite goals.
Personal:
1 year: I have definite plans to do more travelling abroad, preferably to India and/or Africa.
5 year: I have put a down payment on a home and am making twice monthly mortgage payments on it.
I have spent three months living abroad in Europe (either France or Italy) and am entirely fluent in either French or Italian.
While in Europe I have spent time studying at a premier culinary school (i.e. the Cordon Bleu in Paris).
10 year: I am raising my child(ren) in a bilingual household.
I have taken my mum on a trip to Austria and Hungary, in order to fulfill her dream of seeing Vienna and to fulfill my dream of understanding my family’s history.
Health:
1 year: I am maintaining a regular Ashtanga self-practice and I have arranged a return trip to Mysore, India to continue my studies there.
I am eating 75% organic food.
I am able to stand up from back bends by myself.
5 year: I am spending at least one week a year alone on a health retreat.
10 year: I have continued to practise Ashtanga throughout my pregnancy, which has aided me in successfully giving birth to a healthy child.
I am feeding my child(ren) (as well as my husband and myself) organic, homemade food.
Despite my career and my family I spend thirty minutes alone with myself every day.
That's all I'm sharing for now...not quite ready to throw my career goals out into the big,bad world of cyberspace..afraid that there will be too many naysayers, so for now they're between me, my colleagues and my goal coach (one of my bosses)...this is all very exciting to me though and I feel like because of that one simple exercise my life is on a more organized, direct and clear path to success. Oh no...I'm starting to sound like a self-help guide or something...which is exactly why I rolled my eyes at this whole idea in the beginning, but...try it, maybe you'll get the same feeling that I now have.
So, that's about all for now..plans to go out with friends tomorrow night, and then I'm leaving to go to the country for a long weekend on Thursday morning. My parents get into town tomorrow afternoon, and between that and my meeting with K (one of my bosses) tomorrow to discuss my goals, I'm really looking forward to tomorrow and the next few days.
Eager and excited about what the future holds....
Posted by alegato at 9:01 PM | Comments (1)
August 22, 2004
"Stop intellectualizing"
Started the morning with class with J. Took a level one, because L from work was supposed to be coming with me, but she never showed. I was kind of upset, because she called me yesterday to confirm that she was for sure coming, and if I had known that she wasn't going to show I would have taken J's 2/3, which I much prefer. After class J was like, "Andrea, why were you in this class???" So I told her the story and that was that...no big deal, it's always good to get back to the basics. One thing that J said in class that really stuck out in my head was, "Stop intellectualzing." As soon as she said it I realised that it's something that I really need to focus on...I don't need to analyse everything a million times, I've gotten a lot better than I was in the past, but it's still something to think about (or--to not think about???).
Stopped at the grocery store on the way home and stocked up on so much stuff in order to come home and start cooking like a maniac. I made mass quantities of food that I can freeze and take for lunch (Moroccan vegetable stew, carrot ginger soup and oatmeal energy bars for breakfast, I'm still planning on making more pasta sauce, as well as some vegetarian goulash and eggplant curry)...
Meg called and we had a long conversation...one of the more serious conversations that we've had in awhile. I caught her up on my life (because we haven't talked in over a week and a half) and she caught me up on hers, and what it all came down to, for both of us, is that this transition is a tough one.
It was a good conversation and I'm glad that we had it...the fact that other people are going through all the same stuff is strangely reassuring. And it was one of the few times that Meg and I seriously talked about feelings without turning everything into a big joke. We always fancy ourselves to be these unflappable, overwhelmingly independent women, and I guess in the past we've kind of seen talking about feelings and what's getting us down as self-indulgent, but, it really isn't, it's just...honest. I told her about how I'm trying not to build a wall around myself...so I let her in. It's weird, I feel like in the past little while, like, the past few weeks I've been so honest with everyone. And that's not to insinuate that normally I lie, I guess I just normally keep a lot to myself, but lately I've been sharing stuff with my family and very close friends (mostly just Meg and E) that I never would have admitted to before, and I think that's good. I never liked holding those things in I just, I guess I just didn't want to seem weak. And maybe now I've come to accept the fact that it's not weakness...it's a normal reaction to everything that's changing and unsure right now.
I'm looking so forward to getting out of the city next weekend and going up to Tremblant for four days with my family. That's another thing Meg and I agreed on, with everything changing, and friends moving away, family is the centre of everything, of all stability right now, and for that we are both very grateful. So yeah, four days at Tremblant at my brother B's second home, which should be glorious: hiking, shopping, lounging by the pool, my mum's cooking and being with family...sounds good to me, sounds comforting and perfect.
Posted by alegato at 9:53 PM | Comments (0)
August 21, 2004
The Wheel
"And that's the way this wheel keeps working now"
--John Mayer
I finished work early today because the store was dead, and there was no point in having so many people on the floor. I went downtown, browsed around a bit, bought the Pumas that I'd been lusting after (finally found them in my size, which has been a bit of a tall order...I had to go to like, five different places) and then came home. On the Parc bus on the way home I saw students with their parents moving into McGill rez, and it made me smile. And it made me think.
I can't believe that was four years ago. I moved into Solin. It was a rough transition for me...I ended up depressed and came home for a semester (went to McMaster for that semester), but Montreal wasn't out of my system, so I came back in second year. I can't believe how different I am now. Maybe different isn't the right word, maybe I'm just more mature, because I'm certainly the same person, I just seem to have completely come out of my shell.
It all started on moving day. Moved into the apartment...bonded with Meg over our shared lactose intolerance and with Audrey over our shared love of eggs (really, everything in life comes down to food...or sex). I started to loosen up. I started to be a little irreverant with my sense of humour. I started to understand that I was starting with a fresh slate. The people at McGill hadn't known me my whole life, they were just starting to know me, so they knew the real me, and that was refreshing and wonderful. Four years of hard work, much learning, a wonderful new group of friends that still constitutes my core social group, much discussion, many tears, much love lost, much love regained and then lost again(multiplied by about three....thanks to the 4 year on-again-off-again relationship), much independence gained and a lot, a lot of laughter.
It's weird to look back. It's cool to think about everyone who's just starting that cycle. And it's hard to believe that the university years are over for me...they were pivotal, they were sometimes drama-laden, but most importantly, they were a hell of a lot of fun.
Posted by alegato at 4:46 PM | Comments (0)
Locked in the Basement
(I wrote this last night, i.e. Friday,but my internet wasn't working...so here it is now...)
What a horrible day at work. I got moved from cash, which is my favourite, to the basement where I spent eight straight hours sitting on the concrete floor, unpacking boxes and putting security tags on garments…then folding them, putting some out on the floor and putting the rest away in the stockroom. It was horrible…I love interaction with the public and I didn’t get any there…it was like working on an assembly line. I was hypnotized by the repetition. Thank God I had my iPod, otherwise I would have gone insane.
Was supposed to go out with girls from work tonight to another girl from work’s party and then out to a bar afterwards, but that fell through this afternoon…so…that sucks. But, I am kind of tired and I do have to work again in the morning, so maybe it isn’t such a bad thing. A dropped by work this afternoon, which gave me a brief reprieve from the drudgery. He came by the evening and we picked out all our new tv channels, so, so excited about the Food Network, which I get at home in Ontario, but have never gotten here.
Last night I took class with R, which was great as usual. I don’t know if I’ve ever wanted to do yoga as badly as I did last night. By body was craving it, my mind was screaming for it….I fell asleep in savasana (seeing as at that point it was a twelve hour day…left for work at 7:10 in the morning)….and I kept telling myself to wake up, but as soon as I did I’d fall asleep again. It was so, so wonderful to have a really peaceful savasana for the first time in a long time, like, since, before India (frankly I don’t think that there’s any such thing as a peaceful savasana in India with the vendors yelling and the cars playing songs as they reverse).
I had two hours to kill between work and yoga, so I went and visited E briefly at Redpath, because she was writing a take-home exam for a summer course that she took. Gave her her pepper spray. Then I went downtown with plans to browse around a little, and maybe find the shoes that I really want to wear to work (especially with the new chestnut groove pants)…so I didn’t buy shoes…just jeans (Citizens of Humanity). Really amazing jeans. Perfect jeans. I love them. They cost a small fortune. There really are no words to describe their perfection…I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, I never said I had gained detachment from material items (who has really, other than the saddhus??)….I love clothes, it’s just the way it is.
Speaking of spending…I really have to remember to make stuff to bring for lunch….I hate wasting money every day on lunch. And it’s not just lunch…I end up buying other stuff too, like magazines. I am a magazine junkie. Got the latest New Yorker today, because an article by Adam Gopnik caught my eye…love him, love Paris to the Moon, great book, especially if you have a soft spot for Paris/the French.
Other than that…looking forward to hopefully going up north next weekend with the family, that would be swell. Taking a level one of Sunday with L from work, because she’s never taken an Ashtanga class before, so I told her I’d go with her. Hopefully I can get a bunch of other stuff taken care of Sunday afternoon…just general career stuff that I really need to start working on more seriously.
Six eight hour days in a row, I’m exhausted, but it keeps me busy. It keeps my mind busy and my legs busy, running from person to person and up and down the stairs. I love doing little things to make someone’s day…going out of my way to make people smile, it’s definitely my thing…please no more basement for me!
Happy, happy 22nd S, have a fantabulous day, all the best.
Posted by alegato at 8:46 AM | Comments (0)
August 18, 2004
Epilogue
While I was in Asia I kept a daily travel journal that totals 85 memory-laden, hand written pages. I'm so happy that I kept the journal so that I can remember all the little details that always prove so fleeting if not recorded. I didn't keep it as a daily journal while I was in Mysore, because the day to day was so similar from one day to the next, but everywhere else I went I wrote about every day. Tonight, having been home for nearly three months, having gained some perspective I wrote my epilogue, and I will share excerpts from it below.
Before I go into the epilogue though, just wanted to say that I had a really, really great conversation with my stepmum tonight, and for the first time since this whole thing went down I finally let someone see me hurt..I didn't hide it, I didn't pretend and I didn't lie..I let down my guard and stopped being ashamed, and it felt good. Yeah, I write about it here, but, it's not the same, there's anonymity...it's tough letting people you know, people who know you so well, it's tough letting them see you when you're down, but it feels good to know that they know and that they're there no matter what.
Epilogue:
"I'm having a very hard time believing that I've now been back home for nearly three months. At times Asia seems so distant on account of all the dramas that have unfolded since I've been home. But conversely, it's like it just happened: poignant, bitter and sweet. Sometimes it seems like it never happened at all.
I'm back in Montreal, which is kind of amusing considering how certain I was while I was away that I was moving to Toronto. Even when I came home to Montreal from Newark, in the cab home from the airport I convinced myself that I no longer felt any attachment to this city. Two days later I was professing my undying love to it and vowing never to leave.
I went home for about six weeks, bumped around for awhile feeling sorry for my poor, directionless self, adrift in a sea of post-graduation confusion and post-Asia culture shock. I got a job that never really panned out, so I ended up spending my days doing stupid chores (i.e. rolling coins), shuttling back and forth between houses and the cottage and creating 'urgent' errands for myself. By night I stayed up late and chatted with S, the new guy, to whom I had finally introduced myself. It was stomach flipping, goofy smile inducing infatuation. Over time, some reluctance, a Canada Day weekend trip to Montreal, much thinking about baggage carried over from the past and much longing, lust turned into love and I returned to Montreal.
Yada yada yada (this is the part I'm not including for public consumption)...let's just say it didn't end as I'd hoped...
I came back to Montreal and was very lucky to find a good job with Lululemon...the whole unemployment thing was just getting bleaker and bleaker and causing me to be more and more depressed. Work is going well and has truly saved me over the past week of heartache and sadness. I plan to continue to pursue whatever writing opportunities come my way. I am thankful to have discovered my true talent and passion.
It's been a tough summer full of confusion, uncertainty, the highest of highs and the lowest of lows. I blame this more on my transition from student to 'adult' than I do on my transition from Asia to 'post-Asia,' but in all truthfulness, the idea that one of your biggest dreams has been fulfilled, checked off the list...it's hard to let go, it's hard for it to be over.
As for yoga, the tendon injury I sustained on my last day in Mysore slowed me down for awhile, but I'm back in good health and I'm trying to get back into the routine, but work is making that difficult. I must make attendance at Mysore classes a priority. I'm surprised at the amount of progress that I've maintained since India (save for binding mari D by myself, but I'll get it back), which only goes to show that my previous limitations were much more mental than they were physical.
So, I suppose it's time for the $64 000 question: how did the whole experience change me and what did I learn? That's a big one, where to start? There are the obvious lessons: to appreciate all that I have and everything to which I am entitled by virtue of living in the West, and as a rather well-off person in the West, to remember to turn off the lights and to be thankful that I can choose to travel or live anywhere I want in the whole world, whereas some never leave their small villages.
And what of the bigger, broader lessons?
(1) Well, first of all, I learned to follow instinct and do whatever it is that you, deep down inside, long to do. Ignore the naysayers, don't let the cynics and the sceptics deter you, don't let circumstances stand in your way. Whatever it is, jump in head first and life will catch you.
(2) Never, ever be a phoney person. Be genuine, be you. Feel. Laugh. Cry. Breathe. Ask yourself, "What have I got to hide?" Don't be afraid to zig when everyone else zags. Be unconventional if that's who you are.
(3) Life is ridiculously unpredictable. Things happen at the most unexpected times: you get over someone you never thought you'd get over, you bind mari D, you get hit by a bus, you fall in love, your heart gets broken, you send one tiny email and it changes everything. Don't resist life. Let it happen, but don't be complacent. Despite all the randomness and all the things that are out of your control, life is only what you make it.
So here I am. Back to life. Back to reality. Back to all that I missed so much: baguettes, cheese, friends, my own bed, my laptop, whatever kind of food I want at any time of the day, and above all else my family, my backbone. And when you have everything back it's easy to forget what it was like to be without it. When you're without it it's easy to think that everything will be perfect once you have it all back, but...life is never static, what you have one day you may not have the next, and vice versa, and it is that distinction, that relativity, that constant unknowingness that makes life so bitter and sweet, harsh and gentle, always teasing you with glimpses of rumoured perfection, but forcing you to forge your own, less-travelled path to fulfillment.
'Time it was, and what a time it was, it was
A time of innocence, a time of confidences
Long ago, it must be, I have a photograph
Preserve your memories; They're all that's left you'
--Simon and Garfunkel"
Posted by alegato at 11:28 PM | Comments (2)
Deja Vu
So....why is it that just when you think that things are okay, that you've reached the other side of shittiness, that you're stable and you're starting to see the light, why is it that at that exact moment life knocks you right back on your ass? I don't even know what happened.
Things have been good, work has been good and very busy...been having fun there. So, so grateful to have gotten this job, because otherwise, if I was still unemployed I'm pretty sure that this whole Montreal thing would have been over and I would have been back home in Ontario looking for jobs in T.O.
Anyhow, I was coming home tonight, walking to the metro and suddenly something just hit me...I don't know what it was, but it was something, it was like a tonne of bricks, and bam, there I was, back on my ass. Saw a butterfly on the metro, which made me smile. I feel like brick by brick the walls are being rebuilt...not going to let anyone in, not going to let anyone hurt me, not going to let anything anyone does or says get to me...this is not good, in fact this is bad. Just when the walls had finally come down again...not sure how to fight it. I want to let people in, but every time an opportunity comes up I turn everything into a joke or brush it off as though it's not big deal...Must be more conscious of this.
So badly wanted to go to J&E's class tonight, but I didn't get out of work until 6:15, so there was no way that I could have made it across the city in time for their 6:30 class. Tomorrow. Tomorrow I will go to class (can't go to mysore, start work at 8), because I so desperately need yoga right now.
Good news: they caught the serial rapist who was wreaking havoc in Montreal for the past month or so...still glad to have my large supply of pepper spray, and the new male roommate moving in soon who can walk with me late at night...
More good news: Mum and stepdad coming next week...I thought that they weren't going to come seeing as my mum was here a couple weeks ago, but they're going to Ottawa to visit my stepbrother and sister-in-law, so they figured they might as well come here too..maybe go up north for the weekend to my brother's place at Tremblant...we'll see. I can't believe the end of August is creeping up...I can't believe that I've been back in Montreal for nearly a month...and what an odd, odd month it's been, in more ways than one.
Posted by alegato at 7:24 PM | Comments (0)
August 16, 2004
Rub my feet!
I'm seriously getting to wish that I had my own personal Thai massage therapist, because the pain that my feet are in every day when I get home from work is ridiculous. They throb for hours after I've finished my shift...time to invest in some epsom salts. No matter what shoes I wear it still happens..I guess that's just one of the evils of spending eight straight hours standing and running up and down stairs between the floor and the stockroom, that and the complete and utter exhaustion that literally knocks me over every night when I get home. Tonight I came home, had a veggie burger and some tomato salad (got the best, the best tomatoes at the market yesterday) and then sat down to watch men's gymnastics (I become obsessed with gymnastics during the Olympics..always wanted to be a gymnast but the whole being 5'10" thing kinda threw that plan off track, not to mention my complete lack of balance and grace)..I think that I might have seen like, two gymnastics routines and then I woke up an hour and a half later totally disoriented..I hate that!
So I really want to make it to mysore practice tomorrow morning, but the thought of practising and then working until 7pm is daunting, so I'm not sure if it's going to happen. I'm having a really hard time fitting in my yoga around my work schedule...hopefully it will all fall into place in time once everything becomes a little more routine.
I love the summer Olympics...I prefer them to the winter Olympics..so I've been spending time (when I'm not passed out from exhaustion) watching the Olympics, but I'm getting increasingly pissed off at the number of commercials on the CBC broadcasts...I must say that to my total surprise I think that there are commercials that are worse than the weird Tim Horton's one about the girl and her boyfriend and her friend that won't leave until she gets the cookie (it's totally indecipherable...so glad that E agrees that it's an absolutely stupid commercial)..yes, there are worse commericals: namely the Canadian McDonald's commericals that show Ronald McDonald attempting to participate in various Olympic events and inevitably failing miserably...I want to take that goddamn clown-like goof and wring his neck (I have very strong opinions about commercials!).
I keep having these thoughts scamper through my head..stuff that I want to be sure to include in my blog, and then as soon as I sit down to actually write an entry I forget everything. I've been kind of shocked lately by my cheery outlook and positive disposition...I keep having these increasingly less rare glimpses of everything being normal again. My job is so much a part of this...everyone that I work with is fantastic, it's turned into a great social network, plans to hang out with everyone this weekend. They keep commenting on my upbeat attitude in light of recent events and commending me on it, and all I can say is that it's not all that it appears to be on the surface (although, it mostly is..) and that I think that I've had a lot of practice in this arena and thus each time is a little less horribly earth and life shattering than the previous one...I guess I've kind of taken the attitude that there are some things that you can't control and you can't change, all you can do is live and grow and just keep putting one foot in front of the other, and that's what I'm doing...reluctantly, but, nonetheless....
"There's nothing I could say
To make you try to feel okay
And nothing you could do
To stop me feeling the way I do"
--Badly Drawn Boy
Posted by alegato at 10:52 PM | Comments (0)
Quick Summary
This is just a quick little post to say that I've filled the past few days with much busyness that I shall be sure to catch up on soon, but for now I should get to bed, as I have to work in the morning. Spent Friday and Saturday working...Was exhausted Friday evening after my crazy shift, so I came home and passed out on the couch..oh, but not until after I managed to get a second degree burn (instant giant blister) on my finger (left hand, middle finger) while frying tofu...so yeah, I passed out around 7 (for some reason I forced myself to stay awake until 7, thought anything sooner would be just too pathetic) with my hand in ice water...woke up to my phone about an hour and a half later, finally went to bed around 12 once the pain from the burn had subsided a little bit...blah blah blah...
Saturday: worked all day on cash, which was great fun and kept me on my toes. Came home around 5 with horribly throbbing feet, E called while I was on the bus on the way home...went over to her place and chilled out with neighbour R and his friend R in the backyard until about 1am...over wine, a guitar and much U2, Tragically Hip, Dylan etc.
Today: Sidewalk sale in the garment district with E and A (soon to be new roommmate)..bought new sheets (YAY! 420 thread count, got the deal of the century on them)...then to the Jean Talon market, bought stuff for dinner...came home, three of us chilled, opened a bottle of wine, and then another....SUCH a great dinner, we really outdid ourselves this time (yet again), they just left..we had so many laughs, I'm really looking forward to A moving in toward the end of the month, should be SO much fun (especially after our chat about shared tv tastes...) and the food will be absolutely amazing, beyond words..he loves to cook as much as I do.
Anyhow, more to say, but time to sleep...it'll give me more time to reflect anyhow. The 420 thread count is calling my name....
Posted by alegato at 12:08 AM | Comments (0)
August 13, 2004
Good Times Around the Bend
I wish I lived in Thailand where they have amazing Thai massage places on every corner... I am in desperate need of a foot massage after eight straight hours on my feet today...had a lot of fun though, and I'll do it all again tomorrow!
Gonna pick myself up off the ground
When that old feeling comes around again
I’ve had enough of feeling down
There’s something I’ve lost that must be found again
Sometimes it seems like such a hard life
But there’s good times around the bend
The rollercoaster’s got to roll to the bottom
If you want to climb to the top again
Driving down the highway in the rain
Look out of my window and see that southbound train
It’s headlights still shining in my brain
Stayed right alongside me just to ease my pain
Sometimes it seems like such a hard life
But there’s good times around the bend
The rollercoaster’s got to roll to the bottom
If you want to climb to the top again
Well the snow is gone and the springtime’s here
And the rivers song is buzzing in my ears
Sit and watch the treetops sway
Here comes a breeze to blow my cares away
Sometimes it seems like such a hard life
But there’s good times around the bend
The rollercoaster’s got to roll to the bottom
If you want to climb to the top again
--String Cheese Incident
Posted by alegato at 5:20 PM | Comments (0)
August 12, 2004
Things
Thing #1: Right now I'm using my blog as a journal, and right now things are kind of not so good, hence the 8 million or so posts a day...something about it makes me feel better, it's cathartic, so...that's why. I feel kind of silly being so upset about this, but, I think what happened is that everything in my life was so up in the air that I kind of made this the centre of my universe, my source of stability, and then...well, that just was a bad idea.
Thing #2: Today was a bad day. A really not good day, but the good news, it got better as the day proceeded..so I'm hoping that upward swing is the start of a trend..then again, tomorrow is Friday the 13th!
Thing #3: Has anyone else ever noticed that playlists set on random seem to have the worst judgement ever? Really didn't need to hear the sad songs today...once I start with that I have a tendency to wallow, so what does iTunes dish out for me? You know, the usual, Ben Harper's "Another Lonely Day," everything by Blue Rodeo that makes me sad even when I'm happy ("Hasn't Hit Me Yet," "Bad Timing," "Everybody Cries," "Falling Down Blue," and worst of all, "Sad Nights"), "Green Eyes" and "The Scientist" (both Coldplay), "Comfortable" (John Mayer), "All At Sea" (Jamie Cullum), way too many sad Wilco songs to even list, and possibly worst of all, "This Woman's Work," by Maxwell, which I think is actually supposed to be uplifting, but always has the oppostie affect on me...go figure...(case in point, "The Background" by Third Eye Blind just came on..)
Thing #3: I decided that despite all the shitiness, the good thing to do is probably to focus on the good things. Good things like: the most beautiful sunset in Montreal tonight, the wonderfulness of Lebanese food that I went way out of my way to get tonight because I had the most pointed craving ever, the exotically beautiful Muslim woman on the bus tonight, the fact that life gets a lot better as soon as you leave your apartment, like how your upstairs neighbour invites you to a party, you have a splendid yoga class full of the comfort of the predictability of the primary series and a savasana that, while accompanied by a giant lump in your throat, ends up being peaceful by the end, the chat that you get to have after class with your teacher and a few other students..the teacher's moving away (sad) and everyone starts talking about how everything in their lives seems uncertain right now, and that, in some strange way, is comforting, because it isn't just you...it's a trend. Maybe it's a seasonal thing..nearly the end of the summer, time to make decisions, I dunno. Or how about acknowledging the friends who went way out of their way to make you feel better last night? Or the fellow blogger who saw you were crashing and reached out to let you know that you're not alone? And the comforting fact that you're going to be busy every day until next Sunday...no more days of aimless sitting and thinking...And then of course all the usuals that we all take for granted far too often: the fact that I'm healthy enough to practise yoga at all, the fact that I have more food than I could ever want, a family who loves me, a beautiful home and all that jazz.
Of course I'm still sad, but the yoga and the falafel and the sunset make it a lot more tolerable and a lot less bleak.
Posted by alegato at 10:45 PM | Comments (0)
The Morning After
Went to see The Control Room last night at Cinema du Parc with E, M and F. It was quite good, we were all really impressed by it. M even preferred it to F9/11. The film was a very welcome distraction to my spinning, overwhelmed head. In typical Montreal fashion, we couldn't end the night there. Wandered over to St.Laurent to chill on a patio for awhile with a couple drinks. I advised against Prince Arthur, but that's where we ended up after we discovered that there was really nowhere on The Main that we wanted to go that had (a) a nice terrasse and (b) cheap drinks. So we ended up on Prince Arthur...and then the precise reason I'd wanted to avoid it walked in the door..so...that was, awkward to say the least, but hey, after a couple of drinks nothing's awkward, well, except maybe that...
We all went back to F's apartment, just chilled, watched the Daily Show and Conan. M and F smoked while E and I sat and laughed and continually exhanged perplexed "What the hell are the chances of that happening?" glances in reference to the earlier coincidence. Kept making me think of Casablanca..."Of all the gin joints in all the world, you had to walk into mine." (Not that it was nearly as random as that, but, sometimes I like to be dramatic...like the other night when I went walking in the rain, feeling sorry for myself).
Cabbed home around 1:45 (at that point I knew any hope of mysore class was out the window), briefly msn'ed with S, the person who'd been at the other end of the awkward time at Veranda...talked about everything that had gone down earlier in the day and just generally about the instability at this time in our lives...timing's a bitch. I finally passed out around 3, but woke up around 8 this morning, agitated and full of incoherent thoughts. Managed to sleep until 10..got up, and then everything came crashing down again. I hate that, when things are shitty and you can sleep through some of it, and then you wake up and it hits you all over again, and you just wish that you didn't have the day off so that you could throw yourself into work, but instead you'll sit at home and be hurt, willing the hours to pass as quickly as possible..maybe you'll head out for a little while to do something useless, but time-killing like, shopping for sheets or cds or shoes or something else that you really don't need. And you'll wish like hell that you were with your family right now, but instead, it's just you, in a room, with the sound of a ticking clock in the background and an ever-growing pile of Kleenex beside you.
Posted by alegato at 10:27 AM | Comments (0)
August 11, 2004
Falling Down Blue
I'm alone. I'm devastated. I'm hurting so much. Why did I let this happen? There's nothing I can do about it now...just sit and wish and cry...by myself.
We met in Montreal
Far from the crime
Moving in circles
Running with so little time
Sat and we talked
About rumours and lies
Stayed til the sun hit the floor
You wore the dress
From the old market stall
People and places
Said you were forgetting them all
I don't know if I
Believed you or not
As I stared at you outside your door
Those were the times
That was our life
I probably couldn't change
One little thing if I tried
Moments together mapped out
Like the stars in the sky
Now you're in the things that I do
Still I miss talking to you
Late in your bed
You said don't you be sad
Think of how lucky we are
For the things that we've had
Life that's around me
I'm letting it go
But you stay up here in my head
Those were the times
That was our life
I probably wouldn't change
One little thing if I tried
Moments together mapped out
Like the stars in the sky
Now you're in the things that I do
Still I miss talking to you
--Blue Rodeo
Posted by alegato at 3:54 PM | Comments (2)
*sigh*
It's been a rough day thus far. Got up this morning, learned some things about which I probably would have preferred to remain oblivious, went to yoga. Lululemon requires us to partake in as many yoga classes as we can (really not an issue for me), and some of the girls wanted to try Ashtanga, and I told them I'd join then in a level 1/2, as it was their first time trying Ashtanga. Class started at 10, and at at few minutes to no one else from work was there yet..I was kicking myself for not going to mysore practice, but finally one girl showed up and we sweat our way through a brutal 1/2. One of those classes in which there are a lot of beginners, and so everything is completely slowed down and dissected and it takes 30 minutes just to make it through sun sals. Sometimes those classes can be more difficult than doing full primary...I don't know why. About half way through, during virbidrahsanas I started to feel really nauseous. Child's pose for a couple minutes and then I stood back up and tried to get back into it. I still wasn't feeling well, and I was very seriously considering leaving (something I've never done before, oh, except in Mysore when I had the stomach flu and quit after the Marichyasanas), but then it dawned on me that maybe it was just something that I needed to push through, to get to the other side of. I started to think of the nausea as a metaphor for all the anger and sadness and hurt in me right now, and I decided that if I could overcome it it would be representative of me pushing all that crap out of my body: all the toxins and bad vibes that were getting me down. So that's what I did.
I'm feeling better now than I was first thing this morning, but savasana was tough. There are certain things that I've never let into my mind during practice, number one among these things is issues with guys. I started yoga after a tough break up, and I found that it really helped me move past it, so ever since then I've made yoga a time for me, free of thoughts about whatever it is that's getting me down...that was a tall task today. Even though I was trying not to think about the issue at hand the emotions were still there, (especially after all the backbending we did)...and I was afraid to open my eyes for fear that they might spill out everywhere (not my eyes, the emotions!!).
So after class I talked to C (from work) about the issues, she was great, told me not to take things so personally and she told me that any time I need to talk I can call her...little things like that that people say make such a huge difference. Sometimes just knowing that you're not alone means everything. I went to Atwater Market after class, picked up supplies to make a batch of tomato sauce. Yes, cooking is my other yoga. Cooking is the only other thing I do that completely takes my mind off of everything else. Cooking is how I express my creativity and I love being innovative and thinking my way through all the possibilities that abound for various ingredients. This afternoon I cook.
Talked to my friend E when I got home. She said that maybe we can chat or hang out tonight if I'm not doing anything. Am I doing anything tonight? Well, who the fuck knows?
So here are my guiding principles that I'm trying so hard to be mindful of right now: (1) Never take anything personally...people do what they do in order to further their own agenda, not to hurt you. (2) Don't make assumptions...it's so easy to misread things, to misinterpret someone's tone (especially when electronic communication and mercury in retrograde are involved), wait until you know the truth and then react accordingly..it's not worth getting worked up over something that may not actually be the case (this is tough for me...In the past I was given the nickname "Miss Worst Case Scenario").
So...that's where I am. Planning on going to mysore in the morning...heaven knows I need as much yoga as I can get right now. I'm thinking back to June shortly after I got home from my trip and remembering how tough it was facing total and utter uncertainty..it was depressing and confusing and if anyone is the one who can understand that I am. I'm just trying to remember what it was that I needed, what got me through. I'm trying to empathize, trying to follow...Just breathe Andrea, just breathe.
Posted by alegato at 1:14 PM | Comments (2)
August 10, 2004
So Much to Say
There's so much that I want to write here, but that I just don't feel right tossing out into the ether for public consumption. So many thoughts, so much wondering, so many questions. The future is...a blank page, an indefinite, the unknown half of an algebra equation. Maybe it's the waning moon or the whole mercury in retrograde thing (not sure how much I buy into all that), maybe it's just me. This is why I need yoga.
Posted by alegato at 10:06 PM | Comments (0)
August 9, 2004
And the survey says...
Stole this from Spencer's site...I'm procrastinating about going to bed, so I'm doing this instead...
1: Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 18, find line 4: "ballroom dancing" (from the book 14,000 Things to be Happy About)2: Stretch your left arm out as far as you can. What do you touch first? My fan on my desk, which is turned off, because it isn't hot tonight.
3: What is the last thing you watched on TV? Um, Sex and the City (first episode of season three, when they go to Staten Island)
4: WITHOUT LOOKING, guess what time it is: 11:50 pm
5: Now look at the clock; what is the actual time? 11:49...impressive
6: With the exception of the computer, what can you hear? The sound of silence
7: When did you last step outside? What were you doing? Um, I went for a walk at about 10:40,walked over to a cafe on Laurier and got a chai, it was balmy out, but in a nice unhumid way.
8: Before you came to this website, what did you look at? Spencer's site from which I stole this
9: What are you wearing? Um...perhaps no comment on that one
10: Did you dream last night? Yeah, I did, weird dreams. Something about being in India, but Lululemon was there and so were my mum and her best friend and her best friend's daughter and they were all wearing coral coloured sweater sets, and then there was a cat that was levitating (seeing as it was India and all) and I got a letter sent to me on a butter wrapper (you know, like the foil sutff that they wrap butter in). In general it was just really weird.
11: When did you last laugh? Um, a few minutes ago on the phone.
12: What is on the walls of the room you are in? Pictures. Over my bed a Monet print of Venice, a gilded mirror over my dresser, bulletin boards that I covered in fabric beside my computer and a collage of photos of me and my family that my mum made me is hanging over my short bookcase.
13: Seen anything weird lately? On my walk tonight I saw a man peeing on the street...that's about all that I can think of that I've seen lately that's been demi-weird.
14: What do you think of this quiz? Well, it kills time and makes me slightly tired.
15: What is the last film you saw? Um, The Bourne Supremacy
16: If you became a multi-millionaire overnight, what would you buy first? A Chanel suit, a beautiful purse (or three...), a good grad school education, real estate in Montreal.
17: Tell me something about you that I don't know: I am a horrible, horrible morning person. Like, the worst...
18: If you could change one thing about the world, regardless of guilt or politics, what would you do? This is going to sound so cliched and like, the answer that a Miss America contestant would give, but I would cure AIDS...mostly for the sake of saving Africa.
19: Do you like to dance? Sometimes, usually when alcohol has been involved....but then again, sometimes I just feel like dancing, for no good reason...not that you need a good reason to go dancing.
20: George Bush: As it says on my fridge in magnetic poetry beside a particularly stupid photo of Georgie, "the daft boor/will always be a dick"
21: Imagine your first child is a girl, what do you call her? Eva or Mary
21: Imagine your first child is a boy, what do you call him? Benjamin
22: Would you ever consider living abroad? Oh yeah...Italy is calling my name...and so is France, again, what is it with me and that place?
Okay, must sleep now...work at 9 tomorrow...this job is causing me to turn to caffeine, a habit that I'd so kicked in the past year.
"Let's bypass the bullshit and move on because/The minute hand moves faster than you think it does/And by no fault of yours and by no fault of mine/The bottom line is laying in the bed that we've been playing in tonight.." --John Mayer
Posted by alegato at 11:51 PM | Comments (1)
Quiet
Sometimes there's nothing quite like going for a walk at 11 o'clock at night, when the streets are quiet. With just your ipod, your keys and a $10 bill in your pocket. Get a chai. Wander the neighbourhood. Come back home. Sit. Wonder. Wish.
Posted by alegato at 11:04 PM | Comments (0)
August 8, 2004
What a difference a week makes...
Life can be so weird that way...the ups and the downs. The times when things seem hopeless and then some little, tiny thing changes and with it so does everything else, so does your entire outlook. A week ago (i.e. last Sunday) was a bad day. That was like, the lowest of the low. I was so down and so unsure and so confused about..well, everything. But life throws you a loop and turns everything back to fine.
I did two full days of training on Thursday and Friday, and I've been really, really impressed so far with the preparedness and innovativeness of the company. They seems to have thought of everything: from their different approach to customer service and their dedication to always trying to improve a little bit more. The goal-setting is great, as are the motivational CDs. I am one who would usually turn up my nose and roll my eyes at the thought of a motivational speaker, I'm not easily impressed, but the stuff we have to listen to makes sense. It's stuff that you know, but you never think about and you just need to be reminded of every once in awhile. It's nice to be part of something that sees you, as an individual, as integral to their success, and thus in order to achieve that they make sure that you as a person are fulfilled and goal-oriented in your own life, not just in your career with them. It's definitely a different and appreciated approach.
My mum arrived on Wednesday afternoon (and just left a few minutes ago to go to the airport). It was great to have her here as just that little but of added support that I needed recently. She was just like, a little bit of unspoken and silent support for me as I tried to get everything in order. We hung out, went out to eat, watched movies, chatted and just laughed a lot. We're so close. It was really nice. I also appreciated that she gave me my space, she encouraged me to go out with friends on Friday and Saturday and while I was at work she would walk around the city, go shopping, get a pedicure and do nice little things like clean out my pantry. I am so grateful for my family.
It seems that as soon as one piece of the puzzle falls into place so do all the others. I got the job, my mum got here, some of my friends got back into town and various things that had been boggling me to no end started to make sense again.
I've been being a bad yogi, haven't practised at all really (except for the hatha class that was part of my training the other day...I can't believe I got paid to do yoga!), it's just been too difficult between work and my mum being here. I was out until around 4:45 the last two nights: over at Spencer's and out for drinks with some of his new roommates. Friday night I had way too much to drink (I barely drink usually) and I was spinning...not a good feeling, not good to not remember things that were said/done...not good to regret. Last night I kept to a one drink limit, which was more than plenty. Was planning on going to Tam Tams this afternoon, but it seems to be clouding over and raining a little...so...maybe I'll hook up with a friend for coffee or something. I start working for real tomorrow (11-7), and I am so happy to know that I'm doing something productive, putting some money into the bank account for once rather than always just withdrawing it.
So here I sit, a world away from last week, smiling and content and realising that I can't always control everything (that's a really tough lesson for me) and that sometimes, sometimes you just have to follow and trust.
Posted by alegato at 12:17 PM | Comments (0)
August 3, 2004
Random Musings
Meet my new friend by way of the really horrible quality photo below. I (with the aid of my apartment which doesn't get enough light, thanks to that lovely brick building next door) shall be sure to kill it very soon. In the meantime though it makes me smile.
Had a Lululemon meeting this morning. It's like that company was made for me. We're trying to set up a group yoga session, which is fantastic. We get three free yoga classes a month at a variety of studios (including Ashtanga Montreal) around the city, and the whole thing is just really cool...including the fact that I get a very substantial employee discount! And the idea that the whole company is very open..if we want to call the guy who's right below the CEO and chat with him about our goals, that's cool...he's up for that. Speaking of goals, we have to set some for ourselves, in writing, for all to see. Apparently, studies have shown that people who write down their goals are much more likely to achieve them than those who don't. Very smart. Very cool.
What a dreary day it is here today...I spent the last little while at the laundromat, because my dryer is broken and I'm waiting for the repair guy to get back to me to set up an appointment. Had to experience a laundromat at some point in my life, I can check that off my list now (I'm very, very lucky to have a washer and dryer in my apartment). I think that I'm going to spend the rest of the afternoon at Arts Cafe working on some writing and some cover letters. Tonight I clean. Why is it so hot in my apartment? Hotter than it is outside. Hmph.
Okay, out the door and off to Arts Cafe for a tisane and maybe one of their incredible brownies, oh yeah, and work...but more importantly, the brownie!
Posted by alegato at 2:27 PM | Comments (4)
August 2, 2004
Speaking of family...
...yesterday evening I was just hanging out around the apartment, not really sure what to do with myself, basically just sitting and staring and thinking. It's boring to be here at the moment, because work doesn't start until the weekend (three days of training) and it seems that everyone's out of town at the moment and/or has graduated and isn't coming back. So I'm pretty much alone here, trying to fill my days, but it isn't as easy as I thought it would be. So I was sitting in the easy chair in my room, staring out the window at the balcony and the brick wall beyond it (charming view I have) and feeling oh so alone. Picked up the phone, called my mum, burst into tears, long story short: she's coming to spend a few days with me this week to help pass the time and to provide me with some company. Things will be better once I start work and have some structure in my life, not to mention when my friend moves into the currently empty room in my apartment at the end of the month, and in the next few weeks as everyone rolls back into town and summer winds down (summer's flown by this year). But in the meantime..it's rough being alone for all those hours.
Last night I went out walking. My usual, favourite route through Mile End: over to St. Laurent, up to St. Viateur, down Parc, across Fairmont and then back down St. Laurent to St. Joseph. Picked up some hot Fairmont bagels (I love that that place is open 24/7) and an ice cream sandwich at Couche Tarde (I'm lactose intolerant, but, sometimes a girl's just gotta live a little!). As I was walking, eating a hot, chewy bagel (the guy threw an extra in for free!) I was thinking about this city and how it's so warm (I'm talking figuratively here, -40 for two months in winter is NOT warm!) and could never accused of not having heart. I think that walk through Mile End has become my favourite one in the whole city. I love the diversity I stumble across in those maybe, 6 square blocks: the edgy design ateliers juxtaposed with the Hasidic Jewish community, the area on Parc that is made so evidently Greek by the stores selling giant statues of Artemis, Zeus and Athena, and laslty, all the great little independent places: cafes (my personal favourite: Arts Cafe, run by a Parisian man, the best place in town to get an authentically bitter chocolat chaud, decorated with mismatched tables and chairs and an incredible art deco wall unit, also the sight of much writing for me, I'm prolific at Arts Cafe!), friperies (thrift shops), old world grocers and splendidly small crepe shops.
This afternoon I went on another walk, all the way down St.Denis...downtown to see if i could find some new sheets, couldn't find anything decent (i.e. the right colour and 300+ thread count..I am a huge sheet snob), but I did get new towels for my sparkling clean and uncluttered bathroom (which was my Saturday afternoon project). It was hot today, the humidity persists, but at least the torrential rains of the weekend have ended.
No practice fo me today, on holiday for a couple days. I'm incredibly tired after all my walking and shopping so tonight it's me and the couch and a book. Tomorrow morning I have a meeting with my boss to get some human resources stuff out of the way and my mum comes on Wednesday!
Oh! Just realised that I boiled some corn on the cob for dinner and I forgot to eat it..gonna go do that now, because we only get the good corn for about a month out of the year...not to be missed, oh, and the peaches, the peaches are here...this makes me very happy.
"I've been sleeping alone, out on my own...I've been losing my mind, wasting my time..." --Wilco
Posted by alegato at 6:43 PM | Comments (3)
August 1, 2004
It's a beautiful day...
Okay, here's my deal: last night I was awake until about 4am, trying desperately to sleep, but being far more successful in tossing and turning while worrying about things that I shouldn't worry about, because they're things that I can't change. Again, this morning, woke up at 8 with no alarm, just my thoughts racing.
Went to practice, full led primary with J&E, which was fantastic as usual. My head is back on the ground in the prasarita series! I kept losing touch with my breath though, my mind was wandering back to my worries...Anyhow, by the time finishing series rolled around I was back with my breath. Lovely, empty-minded savasana.
Okay, so here's what I was so concerned about: when Lululemon offered me the job the other day they mentioned that I won't get any time off in December for the holidays (other tham, obviously Christmas Day and New Year's Day)...which wouldn't be such a big deal if my family wasn't in another province, 7 hours away from here. It's not like I can just pop home for the day. The holidays are pretty much my favourite time of year, because they're all about family and I'm so very close with mine. I always spend Christmas in Ontario and then come to Quebec for about a week after Christmas until New Year's Day, which is spent with 10 family members at my step brother's chalet at Mont Tremblant: skiing, playing many trivia games, laughing over giant home cooked meals, and just being...sitting in front of the giant stone fireplace reading a book or playing Scrabble, or whatever. It's wonderful. So I was fretting over this...but then I talked to my mum about it this morning after practice and she was like, "Andrea, it's okay..if you can't come home, we'll come to you, and if you have any time off after Christmas you can pop up to ?Tremblant for the day." I love my family. I am so ridiculously blessed.
It's just all part of this transition from student to "real person" though. All of my friends who graduated at the same time as me are going through the same thing..all of the sudden everything is uncertain and nothing is as clear as it was when we knew that in September we would go back to school and become fully immersed in all that that brings with it: lectures, conferences, work and parties. And while McGill certainly isn't the kind of school that holds your hand all the way through and points you in the right direction, it does provide a social and academic framework that really helps organize your life...it kind of dictates what you're doing tomorrow and whose house you'll be hanging out at on Friday night. It's scary, but I keep reminding myself, when I get down like I did last night, that I have more than I could ever ask for, that I need to be grateful for that and that no matter what happens I will always have somewhere to land.
"I had the blessings, a moment of peace even when the night ends,
Yeah, the blessings, can we meet? Can we meet again,
At the crossroads of disaster and the imperfect smile,
With the angel in the streetlamp that blinks on as I walk on a mile, the blessings" --Dar Williams, "The Blessings"
Posted by alegato at 1:02 PM | Comments (1)