...but I was alive

« August 2004 | Main | October 2004 »

September 30, 2004

Cleanse, Day 2, This is Hell, but lesser hell

You know how Dante wrote about the different levels of hell? While, today I'm still in a state of hell, it's just not at the same diabolical depths as yesterday. I woke up this morning and my headache was still there. Still there when I got my haircut (the shortest it's been in quite awhile, to about my chin, I love it!). Still there while I went shopping on St. Laurent and in Place Montreal Trust (got my mum's birthday gift), and was still there until I discovered a clever loophole in the cleanse: I'm allowed one cup of coffee per day, I interpreted this as one grande americano. Now, I'm not a caffeine addict (I drink coffee maybe once a week), but when I have a headache caffeine generally makes it go away and that was exactly the coffee's effect (that and a major case of the shakes). Note to self: when on a cleanse and consequently slightly emotionally unstable don't go to Hallmark to buy a birthday card for your mother...especially if prone to tears! Went to Simon's, then HMV, got a few new CDs (including the last Ray Charles one for my mum, and the latest Joss Stone one for me!). Club Monaco: new black pants. Yes, I have about 6 pairs of black pants, but they don't fit me anymore...apparently since I started working at Lululemon I've lost weight...I was unaware of this until I went home and my mum pointed it out, I was certain that all my clothes had just stretched a lot! Then I went to work in search of a birthday gift for my stepmum, no such luck (the pants I want won't come in until next week)...so instead I bought myself three new shirts (you can't go wrong with 60% off!).
I just came home and ate my lunch, but the shakes aren't subsiding...somehow 5 days sounds so much more attainable though than 6 days did yesterday...so, yeah, five more days (well, plus tonight) living through the various stages of hell...

Posted by alegato at 3:57 PM | Comments (0)

September 29, 2004

Cleanse, Day 1, This is Hell!

So I'm doing this cleanse (I love how the motto is "You're feeling better and better and better and better." My personal motto thus far is, "I'm feeling shittier and shitter and shittier and shitter"). I started this morning. I hate it. It's not even the limited diet that's bothering me so much, that isn't such a huge stretch for me (okay, I did think I was going to kill my boss C this afternoon though when she ate not one, but two shortbread sandwich cookies with jam in the middle, in front of me! And I wasn't really very impressed by R threatning to bring cookies and chocolate to work to taunt those of us on the cleanse, hahaha, you're so funny.). More than anything I'm very bothered by the low, low energy levels, the general haziness and the excruciating headache that won't go away. I got this headache sometime around mid-afternoon and thought that maybe it would pass after dinner (mmm, lentils and chickpeas and a tasteless brown rice cake!), but alas, it remains and it's to the point where it's fucking with my vision and I feel so shitty that I'm close to tears and I don't know what to do with myself. I've heard that this is normal and that I'll feel "great" after the cleanse is over. My repsonse: of course I'll feel great after I've spent seven days feeling like absolute crap, relative to that I'll feel amazing! Yes, I am cynical, and the headache isn't helping matters at all. So I'd love to know if anyone reading this has done any cleanses in the past (I'm sure a lot of people have..I'm sure a lot of people have done juice fasts and full-on fasts and stuff too, but...that just doesn't mesh with the hypoglycemia!) and what kinds of symptoms have been experienced.
Luckily I have tomorrow off, but I've made ambitious plans for myself (made them before I started the cleanse). I'm getting my haircut, and then I have about a thousand errands to run followed by getting a good chunk of my article written...There will be no practice for me for a little while...between my few days of holiday and the fact that my energy is so low right now that just getting through the work day is rough enough without adding vigorous physical exertion into my day.
Only six days to go....I'm not really very sure if I'm going to make it.
P.S. Applefest 2 was a smash hit and I plan to post photos as soon as I find my USB cable.

Posted by alegato at 9:25 PM | Comments (2)

September 26, 2004

It all happens for a reason...

So I've been thinking about this a lot lately...everything happens for a reason, a truly do believe that, and sometimes the reason is unclear, but over time it becomes more and more obvious. So...if stuff that went down this summer hadn't happened I wouldn't have come back to Montreal when I did (if at all), I wouldn't have gotten my job and thus I wouldn't have gotten my writing job nor would I have formulated my goals, nor would I have met R...interesting? Yes. Coincidence? I think not. Who do I think is holding the strings in this giant puppet show called life? The jury's still out, but all the cause and effect is pretty damn cool.
Just got home from another night out on the town. Meg and I met up with G and Y at Biftheque, ate popcorn and then mosied on over to Elsie's, had a couple drinks there with T, E, Z and K...eventually a whole group of people showed up, there were at least twelve of us, but Meg and I took off to play a round of shoe golf. For those unfamilliar with the sport it basically involves choosing a target (i.e. a stop sign or a tree) a good distance away (like, at least 10m.) and then kicking your shoe off your foot and trying to hit the target in as few kicks as possible. It sounds stupid, but give it a try and I guarantee you'll laugh harder than you've laughed in awhile. Especially if passers-by give you odd looks and you reply very metter-of-factly that you're simply playing a friendly game of shoe golf. Aside from the few problems we encountered (i.e. when I lost my shoe in a garden and we had to recruit some guys who were passing by to help me find it, and when Meg got hers over a fence and she had to climb the fence to retrieve her shoe) all went well. Oh, and there are the gigantic dirt marks on my white shirt from having to lie down on the street to fish my shoe out from under a truck...Anyhow, all is well that ends well. Time for me to drag my tired ass to bed. Can't make it to practice in the morning because a bunch of us are making a trip to Marche Jean Talon in preparation for applefest. It's gonna be good. It's gonna be decadent. It's gonna be followed by a shoe golf tournament. Are we the weirdest people ever? It's quite possible, but I think I can safely venture to bet that there are very few people who have as much fun as we do.

Posted by alegato at 3:47 AM | Comments (0)

September 24, 2004

What a week...

Okay, so I've kind of neglected updating lately, because (a) I haven't been home for more than 20 minutes at a time (other than to sleep) and (b)the longer I went without writing, the less inclined I was to write the lengthy post that would be needed. So I'm going to try to keep this one brief, as the three and a half hours of sleep I got last night weren't really very sufficient and I'm just about ready to keel over.
Anyhow, my weekend at home was a good one, but, as I've already said, tougher than I imagined. It put me back in a place that I had been a couple months ago, a place that I was trying desperately to move past, and going home made it hurt all over again. But it was also wonderful to be there. My mum said it was the best surprise of her life to see me standing in the foyer last Thursday evening. I spent Friday surprising my stepmum, dad and my little brother Jay (okay, not so little, in the two months since I last saw him he grew another inch...he's 5'8" now, almost as tall as me, and he's only 14). I went along with my dad to a meeting with our local MPP (Member of Provincial Parliament) regarding some of his business issues. This MPP has recently entered politics after a long career in journalism, so I was excited to meet with her, and she was increibly intelligent, articulate and well-versed. Friday night was dinner at the club as I'd hoped, and then home to sit with my mum, drink tea and chat about everything. Saturday I went to Toronto where I met up with my old roommate E and we went to the Clothing Show, which was a lot of fun. It was good to see her and to catch up...I can't believe it's now been over five years since we met in Paris...Anyhow, Saturday night I went out for dinner with my dad, stepmum and family friends to this new Italian resto in Stoney Creek, which is the most hardcore Italian neighbourhood in the Hamilton area...it was good, but it was funny to be in a place where there wasn't a single fair hair to be seen for miles around. I'm surprised they don't check your I.D. on the way in to make sure that your last name ends in a vowel! I'd planned to stay at my dad's that night, but my mum called and said she wanted me to come back to her house, because she'd been planning on making me blueberry pancakes....I can't turn that down, so back I went. I spent Sunday with my mum doing our usual Sunday stuff: shopping and open houses and a big, wonderfully homemade meal for dinner. What a lovely getaway for the weekend.
I came back to Montreal on Monday. It was a long drive. I had a lot on my mind. I couldn't seem to shake the anxiety, and once back in the city it remained...and I couldn't explain it. I barely slept on Monday night, because my heart was racing and my mind wouldn't stop...but somehow, with the routine of work on Tuesday, the smile that greeted me at the door in the morning, things got better almost immediately.
I went to J&E's level 2 that evening and was terribly frustrated that my tendon injury had reappeared. It was the first time ever that I went to a class and got all the way through and still by the end was thinking, "well, this was a huge waste of time." I was so frustrated with my body. It's hard to be humble with your practice. It's hard to repsect your edge, but I'm learning. E suggested that I, at the very least, take a few days off. It later occurred to me that when I first injured it, sitting for long periods of time caused major pain to my tendon, and that the 8 hours of driving on Monday surely hadn't been good for my injury. It seems I was right, as it appears to be on the mend.
Tuesday night I returned home to a houseful of incredible smells and Meg! Em,G, A, P, Meg and I had an incredible meal, talked and watched the Amazing Race finale. Meg's in town until at least sometime next week..we've been having way too much fun!
Wednesday night we (Meg, Em, Meg's mum Sue and I) went out to a new Mexican place for 2 for 1 veggie fajitas and $2.99 margaritas! Then we (Meg, Em and I) joined up with G, S, T, Z and K at Pistol...I managed to drag myself home by two (thankfully I had very little to drink) and avoided the temptation of Lodge.
Thursday was a good day at work (although I was getting impossibly tired!), and Meg taught a staff ashtanga class for about 10 staff members after we closed the store. I was really, really impressed by her class...I haven't had the opportunity to take class with her (she only started teaching after returning to MV this summer), and it was incredibly professional, yet very accessible to all levels. After class, what was supposed to be a little get together at Sue's hotel room (which is essentially an apartment)turned into an extravagant wine and cheese fest, replete with 80% cocoa chocolate fondue and all things good and wonderful. The usual crowd was there (Em, G, A, Meg, Sue and I), but then I and E popped by as well. It turned out that E had VIP passes for Tokyo (where I'd been hoping to go for a staff get together, but my plans had fallen through earlier in the evening). We got to Tokyo at about 1:15 last night and immediately R (from work) came up to me, grabbed me and dragged me over to see C (my boss)in an incredibly drunken state. It was a great night...only C, M and R were there from work, and there was much fun to be had! Eventually Meg, I, E, C and M all left, and I was left there with just R and his friends...about which I absolutely will not complain! Way too many drinks were bought for me, and by the end of the night (i.e. a little after 3 when they kicked us out) I was feeling pretty...icky, but happy! walked down St. Laurent with R, grabbed a cab, came home, literally fell into bed, content and dreading the 7:15 alarm!
This morning was understandably rough (yes, I know, it was self-inflicted and I'm not allowed to complain!)...for the first time ever I threw up from drinking too much...I don't throw up, I have a phobia...but sometimes these things can't be avoided. So unpleasant. And then I had to go to work at 8:15! By the time I finished my lunch though I was pretty much recovered. I had such a fun afternoon at work, laughing with C about last night's antics, among other things.
I came home after work with every intention of spending the night at home catching up on my life which seems to have gotten away from me in the past week or so, but then I got roped into dinner at Chao Phraya (my favourite Thai resto in the city) with Sue, Meg and G...G and I laughed uncontrollably for three and a half hours...I got home after ten thirty, sat with A and P for awhile watching tv, called Em and told her there was no way that I was going to make it to the party down by Parc Lafontaine...and now I'm writing this...ready for bed and looking forward to dim sum in the morning. Applefest 2, our now annual, incredible potluck is taking place here on Sunday. So between planning and cleaning for that and preparing for (i.e. planning my meals) the cleanse that I'm planing on doing next week I have a busy couple days ahead of me (albeit no work, YAY!). Sue told me tonight that I seem the happiest I've been in a long time. It's true. And while yes, it does have something to do with certain prospects in my life right now, it's not just that, it's knowing that where I am right now is where I fit. This city, these people, this job...it's right. One of the things that I thought a lot about while driving last weekend was that I am not very good with change...and that makes a lot of things tough. I don't want to leave this city in May to go to grad school...I'm not sure what to do..I have to go, I know I do, but what I've got right now, between work, friends, yoga, and..er...prospects...things are good. I'm smiling a lot. I'm laughing endlessly. Why leave if for once things seem to have really fallen into place? This is contentment.

Posted by alegato at 11:32 PM | Comments (1)

September 20, 2004

Anxious

I'll be heading out for Montreal shortly, and hopefully the drive will be as easy as it was coming from Montreal when I managed to make it home in 6.5 hours including the time I had to spend dopping people off (off the highway) and getting gas in T.O. I don't know what's going on exactly, but I woke up this morning exceedingly anxious and I haven't been able to get past it. My heart is racing and I'm kind of shaky, it's like I've been having a mini-panic attack ever since I got up, but, you know when you're really worried about something, but you don't know what exactly? That's how I feel. I think that in part this was fueled by some really weird and mildly distressing dreams I had last night. I kind of know why I'm anxious, I know the source of it, I just don't understand in exactly what capacity it's bothering me so much...But for now I'm going to go pack and breathe and I don't know, try to think about something, anything, else.

P.S. Happy 23rd birthday Cherie!!!

Posted by alegato at 10:15 AM | Comments (0)

September 19, 2004

To Sleep, To Dream...

It's been a great weekend. Very happy that I came home. Very happy that I got to spend so much time with family. Nonetheless, it was harder than I thought it was going to be, coming back to where I was in such a different frame of mind so recently. So much I want to say, but I don't know how. I'll write more once I've gotten back to Montreal tomorrow evening, but for now, to bed in my room, heart bursting, head spinning, eyes closing...

Posted by alegato at 11:47 PM | Comments (2)

September 15, 2004

Homeward Bound

I'm so happy to be going home for the weekend tomorrow. I vascillated for a long time wondering whether to go back or not, but finally I decided that I might as well go seeing that I'd booked the weekend off anyhow. I was thinking of going to New York for the weekend to check out Columbia and NYU, but, I really just can't afford it right now, and I've been to NYU before, so...no point to that. Anyone who reads this page knows how close I am with my family, but I've noticed that since I've been home from Asia I've been even closer with them. I thought that being away from them for four months on the other side of the world would make it easier to not see them for protracted periods of time, but, on the contrary, it's had the opposite effect. Being away from them for so long made me realise how much of a central, stabilising role they play in my life, and after nearly two months back in Montreal I'm dying to see them. It's especially sweet because they still don't know that I'm going to be home by tomorrow evening! My dad was talking to me the other night and complaining that he's not going to see me until Thanksgiving...if only he knew!
So I figure I'll go to my mum's tomorrow night, maybe do Mysore class at Katie's shala on Friday morning. I'll go see my dad, stepmum and brother Friday afternoon, hopefully have dinner that night at the club with my mum and stepdad. Saturday I'm hoping to spend the day in T.O. with E. Sunday: maybe with my dad? But I know that he's planning on going to the football game, and my stepmum has to go to a bridal shower and J (my brother) is probably going to go golfing, but...I'm sure they'll make time for me!!! I'm coming home Monday afternoon, and don't know what I'll do Monday morning, but it's sure to be a jam-packed weekend, and I'm so looking forward to it. (hmm..C just sent me an msn message about going to London to hang out with her and all her dentistry friends...that would be a lot of fun...too many decisions!!!!).
Last night I watched the hockey game with A. I was planning on going to BDP (Bar des Pins) for the 2nd and 3rd periods, but my friends ended up leaving BDP (said it was like a sauna in there) and going to M and F's apartment...and I got a little too comfortable at home and didn't feel like leaving. So we had our own chocolate chip cookie celebration when Canada won!
Other than that...practice in the morning, pick up the car from the place on Guy, come home, pack, shower and then go pick up the people I'm taking with me...I should hopefully be home by 8 at the latest.
Oh, one more thing...isn't it funny how things change so quickly? The other day I had to go get my driver's license renewed and to get there I had to walk through the bus station and for the frist time, well, ever, I felt nothing. Ever since first year that place has seen me either really out-of-my-mind excited or quite sad...M was either coming into town for the weekend, or leaving...this went on for years..Friday evenings around 7 I was to be found there waiting for the Queen's bus to arrive, and Sunday afternoons around 5 I was there kissing someone goodbye...and it's always been such a bittersweet place to me, but, now...nothing. That freedom is nice.
I think I'm going to go pack a little (shouldn't need too much..all casual stuff and one nice outfit for dinner at the club) and make some phone calls.
To all those celebrating Rosh Hashanah I wish you apples, honey and all things good and sweet (E, thinking of you especially and our apple and honey dipping in high school!).

Posted by alegato at 7:24 PM | Comments (0)

September 12, 2004

Curvea

Just chilling out getting ready to go to bed...I don't think that I can make it to practice in the morning, because I have this whole driver's license thing that I have to deal with and I have to go to that office before work tomorrow and it's nowhere near the shala..so..yeah.
I did practice this morning though. Led class with E. It was okay. The class was good, but my energy level was kind of low. It was a struggle to get out of bed this morning, but I made myself go,and I'm glad I did. But my practice felt kind of heavy and sluggish. I'm so disappointed with myself for losing mari D, and losing it to the point that if anyone watches me they would never believe that I had it! The good news is that I did have it while I was in Mysore, I was binding both sides by myself, so I know I have it in me, I just have to keep practising in hopes that it reappears!
E gave me an adjustment in chaturanga, because apparently my chest was lower than the rest of my body, so I'm to lower down less, to a point before my chest collapses, and then go into upward dog. It got me to thinking about the differences in male and female proportions. Now, when I first started Ashtanga I was always making excuses about how my body prevented me from getting into certain asanas, but since then most of those excuses have been done away with as with time the postures have become entirely doable. So, I don't like to make excuses because I know that often that's all they are and that there isn't any truth to them at all, but I must say that it is irrefutable that having a more, er, curvy body can make some postures more difficult. Like, first of all, the marichyasanas (particularly C and D), because it's just plain harder to twist your chest past your leg...and in mari D Meg's forever making fun of me, as the foot that's in half lotus is always giving me impressive cleavage! And so, when E told me about my chaturanga this morning I was thinking, "Well, if you had this much extra weight on your chest it would be lower to the ground too!" I'm not making excuses though...these postures will come despite body proportions, it's just something that doesn't seem to get discussed very much (not just bust size, but other things too, like arm length and torso/leg proportions etc.), which is...interesting.
Anyhow, for some reason class today totally knocked me out to the point that I came home, ate breakfast and then sat on the couch (with my sick and hungover roommate) for about 5 hours entirely unable to muster up the energy to move a muscle. I fell asleep watching Pleasantville, but woke up in time to catch The Wizard of Oz on CBC though. Tonight P, E and G came over for dinner, which was fantastic as usual and helped a lot in devouring the apple pie with hazelnut crust that I made last night (even though I don't like pie, I just felt like baking something fairly involved). Yeah, last night I baked pie and watched the hockey game (Canada vs. Czech Republic), which was a serious nail biter, but the outcome was good(overtime gives me heart palpatations!). Baking a pie and simultaneously watching the game made me feel very well-rounded!
Friday night I ended up, as expected, hanging out with C, her boyfriend J and a bunch of his friends. Turned out that C's whole plan was to set me up with J's friend S. Now, S seemed like a nice enough guy, good looking, well-spoken enough, trilingual, but...not for me. What I think I look for above all else is someone who can challenge me intellectually and, well, that wasn't the case with S. Anyhow, it became brutally clear to me that it was no big loss when, once I'd made it perfectly clear to him that I had no intentions of going home with him that night, S stopped paying attention to me and started picking up other girls who seemed to be more viable options for his one-night-stand plan. It was nice to know though that (a) there are interested parties out there and (b) that I'm mature enough, even when drinking, and have gotten to the point in my life where I want something real and something that lasts, that I can turn down those other opportunities that come my way without regret (not that I was ever really one to take advantage of those opportunities anyhow, that's just not me).
Came home Friday night, read the comment that had been left for me,furrowed my brow trying to figure it out, went to bed alone and a little sad, missing someone more that I wished I did...
I'm for sure going home on the weekend (my parents don't know that yet...thinking of surprising them). I've already found a few people that are going to tag along and help me pay for gas. I just need to switch shifts with someone on Thursday (I'm supposed to work 11-close and want to work 8-4), and/or get someone to just take my shift for me, but I think that the latter option is going to be a bit out of the question seeing as Thursday is also Rosh Hashanah, so yeah, hopefully someone can just switch with me.
Not too much else to say..talked to Meg today and she's coming up on the 20th for 6 days or so, which will for sure be so much fun. I have to get in touch with my friend E and see if she wants to spend Saturday with me in T.O. at the clothing show...
For now, to bed with my book and a little bit of missingness.

I want you here tonight
I want you here
'Cause I can't believe what I found
I want you here tonight
I want you here
Nothing is taking me down, down, down...

Except you my love. Except you my love...

I wanna hear what you have to say about me
Hear if you're gonna live without me
I wanna hear what you want
I remember December
And I wanna hear what you have to say about me
Hear if you're gonna live without me
I wanna hear what you want
What the hell do you want?
--Damien Rice

Posted by alegato at 11:51 PM | Comments (0)

September 10, 2004

Day To Day Stuff

Not too much new to report, except that I did indeed make it to practice yesterday morning at Ashtanga Montreal. It was fantastic. J was assissting adjsuting, which was splendid. As much as I hate getting up early in the morning, and despite the fact that practising in the morning causes me to have a 12 hour day, when I'm there doing my practice I keep thinking, "Why don't I do this every day?" I love it. There's something amazing about starting your day that way. Calming your mind, warming up your body. It's a great practice and a great tradition. My practice was surprisingly strong and light seeing as work and circumstances had prevented me from really practising at all in the past two or so weeks (bad, bad...it was really starting to bother me, my lack of discipline). Not once did I catch myself thinking, "Oh, this is so much effort, I don't want to do another vinyasa!" I got some good adjustments and my backbending was good. I wanted to go again this morning, but I woke up incredibly sore, and so I spent the rest of the day drinking mass amounts of water in hopes of flushing out the lactic acid. I'll be fine by Sunday. I'd love to practise tomorrow, but I doubt that will happen seeing as (a) I'm usually more sore the second day and (b) I'm going out tonight...I have decided though to make a huge effort to practise 5-6 mornings a week, because I do love it so much.
Long day at work today..not too busy, not too much to do. It was okay though, because C and L kept me entertained. Weird bus ride home...got on and saw J (who I haven't seen in about a year, so it was cool to see him), then L got on a block later and then R, who it turned out knew L as well, but none of us knew that we all knew each other...chatted with R for awhile when I got off to transfer to the 55. Weirdness...what are the chances of seeing all those people on one bus? Called G while I was on the 55, possibly doing something with him and the usual crew tonight, but it's more likely that I'll end up on the westside with C, her boyfriend and his friends. For now just trying to decide what to wear, which is difficult seeing as the venue is still TBA, but it will involve the perfect jeans no matter what!
Other than that...thinking about going home next weekend, but I'm not sure if it's worth it, because I'll be going home for Thanksgiving (Canadian Thanksgiving in the weekend of October 9th) anyhow. I'll probably still end up going next weekend though too..I just have to look into renting a car. I'm wondering if it's worth it seeing as I'm going to have to spend two of the four days driving, but...I really want to see my family, so...yeah.
That's pretty much it...I'm still sticking to the decision I made, which is sometimes difficult, but I think it's the best way to go. In terms of other stuff...hmm..I have a situation on my hands and I'm not exactly sure how to approach it, not as easy as this type of situation would usually be as it involves a co-worker, which thus complicates the issue...anyhow, whatever.
There's something else that I wanted to write here, but I can't remember what it was....if I remember I'll write another post.
Heard this song at work today and it made me laugh, because, well, because I got what it was getting at:

"The summer's all in bloom
The summer is ending soon

It's alright and it's nice not to be so alone
But I hold on to your secrets in white houses

Maybe I'm a little bit over my head
I come undone at the things he said
And he's so funny in his bright red shirt
We were all in love and we all got hurt
I sneak into his car's black leather seat
The smell of gasoline in the summer heat
Boy, we're going way too fast
It's all too sweet to last

It's alright
And I put myself in his hands
But I hold on to your secrets in white houses
Love, or something ignites in my veins
And I pray it never fades in white houses"
--Vanessa Carlton

Posted by alegato at 8:43 PM | Comments (2)

September 8, 2004

Changes

Hmm..still trying to get back into the swing of things with yoga. I went to the new shala this morning, but ended up not practising. It's a beautiful space though and I'm for sure going to check it out on Saturday morning with E and possibly Z. I think that now that I've managed to get up when my alarm goes off (without hitting the snooze button in my sleep like I did yesterday) I'll go to Ashtanga Montreal's mysore class tomorrow morning. I'd love to go to E's level 3 tonight, but it's from 6-7:30 and I don't finish work until about 6:30-ish.
As for my weird day the other day...I learned that I seem to hold things in a little too much. Went into work, I was feeling pretty pensive, pretty confused, and found out I was working downstairs in inventory. Went downstairs, was chatting with K, our inventory manager. She knows that I hate working down there, and she was like, "Are you sure that you don't mind?" And I said, "No, it's fine, I have a lot on my mind and I don't really feel like dealing with people today." So she asked if I was okay...and that's all it took...the tears started, at work of all places. If there's anything that I try to do, it's to keep my personal life and my work life separate (well...mostly...except for...stuff), and the fact that I started to cry at work was incredibly embarassing to me. I couldn't believe it was happening, to me, the one who's always pulled together in public. Anyhow, it couldn't have happened with a better person. K gave me a huge hug, asked me if I wanted to go home (no), sat me down in the back room, talked to me, told me, "Andrea, you're a human being, you're not made of stone." I was mortified that it happened, but, in retrospect, I realise that she's the first person really in the past month or so to ask me if I was okay...and so, it all came pouring out. I feel a lot better now. Gave K a card yesterday to thank her for her understanding. She's one of the nicest people I know.
I came to the conclusion this morning on the metro that something has to change...that something can't continue the way that it has, because it isn't healthy and it isn't fair. So, tough as it will be, I plan to stick by my decision. I knew that it was going to have to be done, but, like in the past, I never believed that it was necessary, and then it always becomes brutally clear to me suddenly, in an unpleasant way that it is...and so it has again. And so the decision is made, and I hate that I had to make it, and I hate that it's the only path that can be taken. I'm wistful and I'm angry, but at the same time I'm relieved and renewed. I'm ready.

Posted by alegato at 8:46 AM | Comments (2)

September 6, 2004

Odd

Hmm..what a weird day, more about that soon, but for now it is to bed, because I'm going to class at the new shala in the morning! I can't believe what a weird day it was though...didn't see that coming at all...For now we'll leave it at this:

Close your eyes my dear
there's no need to wake.
We all get tired from the
chances that we take
I wish that I could take away
the tears from your eyes it's just that
sometimes everybody cries.

Outside the walls around us
you must be strong
and when you you're walking
all alone
just remember I'll be there
to greet you when you rise it's okay
sometimes everybody cries.

I've seen you watching people
walking through this world
seen what they do to try and make it through each day.
Don't be alarmed there's something
out there waiting just for you someday.
(repeat)

Let the stars fall down
over your head
and don't you worry bout
the things you said
just you drift away into
the world behind your eyes it's okay
sometimes everybody cries
sometimes everybody cries.
--Blue Rodeo

Posted by alegato at 10:57 PM | Comments (0)

September 5, 2004

Lazy Sunday

So, last night with G kind of ended up not happening...I got home and was too tired to even drag myself into the shower. I ended up spending the night hanging out with A and his boyfriend P, sitting in the recliner, watching the Canada vs. Russia world cup hockey game (oh, and random bits of the Lawrence Welk show...but let's not get into that!)it was SUCH a good game, Canada won 3-1. The whole experience made me feel like a forty-five year old man...the only thing I was missing was beer! Anyhow, I got to bed at a decent hour though and slept for like, ten hours, which I clearly needed.
Went to Dusty's for brunch this afternoon with G, and laughed our way through a couple hours of food and stories from our respective trips and all that's happened since. Basically the two of us can't spend moe than five minutes together without dissolving into hysterical laughter, so it was a good time. He had to go from there and do some postering on campus for his a capella group, so I went to the florist and picked up my weekly bouquet (white glads this week), then to the grocery store to pick up a few staples (pretty much just juice and bok choy, because we have SO much food otherwise). Came home..and here I sit. I'm just catching up on stuff today, doing laundry, cleaning the bathroom, chatting with friends, cooking and perhaps cleaning off my desk so that it isn't a pile of paper and I can actually SEE the desk...we'll see if I get that far!
Good news: T came into work yesterday and said that she went to class at Darby's new studio (S was teaching) and that it's absolutely gorgeous! They're going to be having morning mysore classes there, and it's on my way to work! Darby won't be teaching there for awhile though, because he's going to be in India and teaching clinics elsewhere, but S, C and apparently some other good teachers will be giving class there. My only dilemma is that: J&E are at Ashtanga Montreal, and I just paid for my unlimited three months at Ashtanga Montreal, and I don't really want to be paying for class at two places right now, but Darby's is so much more convenient, yada yada yada...hmph. Anyhow, I'm for sure going to check out the new studio, I'm so excited about it, especially after hearing T's favourable review.
Yesterday was a crazy day at work...four people called in sick so we were really short staffed, which led to me getting yelled at a couple of times by some irate Westmount ladies...that part of town..it's its own little bubble...completely outside of reality. It's quite weird actually...if you're not carrying a Louis Vuitton or Chanel bag and not wearing $300 jeans then you're written off as an outsider..and I get treated like a servant half the day, but...whatever, some of the people are really nice and they make it worth it...but some people, some people are just rude, demanding, unreasonable and bitchy...I feel so sorry for you with your 3 carat ring, your diamond tennis bracelet and your $800 shoes...boo hoo...go drive home to your mansion in your BMW and cry me a river...(yesterday was a particularly bad day with the snobs..clearly!).
Yeah..so...work tomorrow, maybe a movie with G on Tuesday night, I don't know...but for now I'm going to go put the glads in some water and tackle the bathroom...

Posted by alegato at 2:57 PM | Comments (3)

September 3, 2004

Cravings

Hmm, well, nothing too new or exciting...at least nothing that I feel like writing about here...
I have to work tomorrow at nine, so I'm keeping it pretty low-key tonight...staying in, but tomorrow night I'm supposed to do dinner with G (and possibly Z) and then we're going out...I don't know where, but seeing as G's going to be there it will inevitably involve raucous drunkeness and inventing huge fabrications and then trying to get strangers to believe them without one of us entirely dissolving into hysteric laughter...long story...we tend toward the dramatic.
Long day at work today...working cash alone made for much activity...once my break rolled around at 3 I was ready to keel over with hunger, was so happy when R showed up to relieve me. Today was K's last day (she's going back to school), which was so sad...she was one of my favourite people to work with, we had a lot of fun, and she's definitely mature beyond her years. On my break I popped next door to Second Cup and picked her up a cranberry cider (her favourite) and one of those apple things that we both love, brought them back and she almost cried with appreciation...I love those little things that make people's days.
I was planning on going to see Garden State after work, but I bailed on those plans at the last minute, because I was too damn tired. I really want to see that movie though, so badly..maybe I'll go sometime after work next week (seeing as I work like, three blocks from the AMC). I'm also thinking of taking advantage of some of the free classes I'm privy to next week. There's supposed to be a really good pilates studio in Westmount, about a 10 minute walk from work, so I'm thinking about checking that out before work a couple times next week (especially while the shala's closed and I consequently feel like a giant slug).
Other than that not too much is going on...I'm tossing ideas around in my head for my article, waiting for inspiration to hit me...it always does. Oh! I know what's exciting (to me at least), tonight I was finally able to enjoy Indian food again. For some reason, after being in India for nearly two months, I couldn't stomach the idea of Indian food anymore (it's always been my favourite), I blame Green Leaf (resto in Mysore), because whenever I went there I was already sick, and thus I associate their food with sickness...and somehow that association got extended so that the thought of all Indian food turned my stomach. But, thankfully, tonight I came home, too tired to cook and was struck by a craving for Indian...nan is heaven. Ordered sag paneer and veggie curry (so that I would have lunch for tomorrow too)...mmmm....good stuff!
Anyhow...yeah...I think I'm going to go read for awhile and then go to sleep...that's another funny thing, I finally started to crave reading again. I've always been a voracious reader (like, since i was 3). Over the 16 weeks I was away in Asia I read over 20 books...but since I've been back in Montreal my reading kind of fell by the wayside, I just didn't feel like it...don't know why, maybe I just had too much on my mind...anyhow, glad to say that the reading cravings have returned along with the Indian food cravings...once again everything is right with the world!

Posted by alegato at 10:02 PM | Comments (0)

September 1, 2004

Hmph

Not much to say other than I'm tired, and I'm upset that I've gotten so little yoga in lately. I'm tired because I helped A move all his stuff in last night (well, not just me, P, E and G helped him as well)...finished the night off with a nightcap with E. Worked all day today, got home around 7:15, spent three hours helping A unpack his kitchen stuff (our kitchen is pretty much more equipped than Martha Stewart's...two cuisinarts, two waffle irons, two coffee makers, a kitchenaid stand mixer, our freezer is literally an impermeable wall of food and there's more other stuff that I can even begin to mention)...now I'm sitting here, and I should be writing out my budget for this year (as yesterday I was slapped in the face with the reality of my money situation), but I'm not, because I'm too tired. So, I should probably go to bed.
No yoga lately, because the studio is closed for the next week for renovations...and there is absolutely no space for me to practise at home. Hmph. Now that my work schedule seems to be a little more predictable this has to be a priority...as soon as the studio opens again...
Didn't want to have that conversation. I shouldn't have participated as I did..it was immature and silly of me, and I'm mad at myself for that. I didn't mean the comment the way it was taken...furthermore, thought person in question would be happy to read that I was moving on, thought that was what person in question wanted (not that that's why I wrote it...it was just a thought I had after writing it). What really bothers me though is how my tone was clearly misinterpreted ...which is why computers drive me crazy sometimes...because I misinterpret people by way of computers all the time too..it's easy to do. Anyhow, I don't think that it matters now anyway...(well, clearly it does to me though).
Still looking ahead rather than backwards though...because I feel that's my only option,not because I want to. I mean, I do want to, I just wish I didn't have to.
To bed I must go...now that I've emptied my head hopefully sleep will come easier.

Posted by alegato at 11:15 PM | Comments (0)