« July 2005 | Main | September 2005 »
August 31, 2005
Unmotivation
Where has she been? Three weeks off school and she's made good use of it. At the cottage, at her mum's house, in Montreal, in Toronto, at the cottage, at her dad's house. On Sunday I go back to London. Back to school on Tuesday. Jumping right back into the second third of my master's...so happy to know that one third is already done and that it went so well.
So yes. A week of nothing and sun and reading at the cottage. Then the next number of days in Montreal. The Gay Husband and I headed up there and spent a few glorious days with all the usual suspects. Partying two nights, making a fantabulous dinner with the Model comprised of ingredients from Atwater Market, one of my favourite places in the world. Writing on the street with ketchup bottles, eating gigantic brunches with friends, lounging around and watching episode after episode of The Office, discovering that the Stylist and I have the exact same taste in music and we never before realised. Oh yeah, and having the Gay Husband accidentally set my finger on fire with his cigarette and I still have a charming blister underneath my nail. Good times. Such good times.
The Model drove back with us and she and spent a frustrating but hilarious day apartment hunting for her in Toronto. We didn't find an apartment, but we did have one of the best Vietnamese meals ever, so that pretty much made up for the fact that she remains homeless. She'll be moving here by October 1st, which makes me very, very excited. Very excited.
Since then I've been back at the cottage and here at my dad's. Haven't been up to much of anything. I'm getting bored and looking forward to heading back to London (those are words I never thought I'd say). The contrast of having been in Montreal last week and then being here this week can lead to nothing but boredom, and it will be good to be busy again. The Gay Husband, my brother and I are going to Wonderland this Friday to wrap up my three weeks of holiday.
Remember in my last entry before I went on holiday when I said I was going to do a minimum of three A's, three B's and three finishing postures? Huge lie. I did that once. Of course, that does has something to do with the fact that for the first week and a half of my break I had another raging case of tonisllitis. As in, my throat was pretty much closed off and I couldn't swallow. The antibiotics did nothing this time. Finally a combination of antibiotics, GSE (gargling and drinking three times a day)and a little bit of vodka seemed to clear things up.
I took my first class in about a million years last night with Katie. It was heavenly. It was packed and steamy, which rendered me sweaty and bendy and happy. I can't even begin to express how much I miss having a teacher. It was so fabulous to be in class. To be inspired. To have actual energy other than my own in the room. Adjustments...you have no idea how much I miss adjustments. I know that this practice is meant to be about inward focus, but there's something about a room full of other people who are also focusing inwardly that inspires me and energises me, and I miss that so, so much. I can't wait to be back in a big city with a teacher. I miss that so much. I have such a hard time motivating myself to get on the mat. It's turned into a gigantic mind game of me arguing with myself about getting onto the mat, which I hate. It shouldn't be like that. I want Darby, or J&E or Katie...I want a teacher! These next eight months are going to be an exercise in discipline (which I lack) and motivation. Here's hoping...
Posted by alegato at 10:14 PM | Comments (0)
August 13, 2005
A little bit blindsided...
Can't say that I'm entirely surprised. Especially given the fact that this time in history has proved to be less than good in terms of guys. But I must say that I'm surprised about the lack of...patience. Weird. Because I wasn't jaded enough already. Cottage tomorrow. Time with my mum. Montreal next weekend (my mum's response when I told her I was going to Montreal next weekend on a whim?: "I know. I knew you would go next weekend. I knew you couldn't stay away. I said that today" How does she always know? HOW?!?!). Muskoka after that. Friends and fun. Sometimes, like tonight, when I'm out with friends I wonder, "What's better than this?" And then somebody mentions his name and I say, "Who?" Those are the times. Learning to not grow attached. Or maybe I'm just learning to keep building those walls. At least they protect me.
"I could feel it go down
You left the sweetest taste in my mouth
The silver lining the clouds
Oh, and i, I wonder what it’s all about
I wonder what it’s all about
Everything I know is wrong
Everything I do, it just comes undone
And everything is torn apart
Oh, and that’s the hardest part"
--"The Hardest Part" --Coldplay
On my iPod: "So Much to Say" --Dave Matthews Band, "Breath from Another" --Esthero
Posted by alegato at 1:56 AM | Comments (0)
August 12, 2005
Bored, bored, bored
Today's my first day without school in, oh, the past three and a half months. It's the first day of my 3 weeks off before the start of the fall semester. And I am SO bored. I don't know what to do with myself. I'm someone who has major difficulties slowing down. I love stressful situations. I love a good deadline. I'm like...the human embodiment of inertia.
I plan on going to the cottage for some of next week, and then to the Gay Husband's cottage after that. But in the meantime, and the remaining time, I don't know what I'm going to do. I was thinking about going to New York or Montreal, but it's really not in my budget right now. Although, I'm starting to think that I might have to go somewhere just to have something to do.
Of course I'm happy about having time off. I'm glad to have a bit of a break from the assignments and the newscasts, I just don't know what to do with myself now!
After reading about Neti and Cameron's approach to home practice (doing at least 3 A's, 3 B's and 3 finishing poses every practice day) I feel it's time for me to institute the same plan. So...that's where I am. Oh, and I get my stitches out today...good times.
On my iPod: "Milano" --Sigur Ros
Posted by alegato at 10:58 AM | Comments (2)
August 11, 2005
Never again...
...will I take valium.
I took it on Tuesday night. Waited until I was completely ready for bed, then popped the pill (2mg, the smallest dosage available). Apparently it wasn't a small enough dosage. I woke up at about 2:30 a.m. to discover that one of my pillowcases was drenched, like, dripping with sweat. I must have been so out of it that even though I was clearly quite warm I didn't throw my covers off or wake up and turn my fan on...bad experience. Bad that my stoned response to the discovery of my drenched pillowcase was not to reach over and turn my fan on, no, my solution was to turn my pillow over and pass out immediately. I woke up at 7:30 (8.5 hours after going to bed) and if I hadn't had to go to class I think I could have slept well into the afternoon. That stuff is scary shit. I'm now sticking to over-the-counter muscle relaxants, because I really don't feel the need to be absolutely incoherent and useless for the next week.
The good news is that I can open my mouth considerably more now. I'd say I have at least an inch between my top and bottom teeth now. Big improvement over the other day when I could barely shove pills into my mouth. I'm going to the dentist (again) tomorrow to get my stitches out, so hopefully she'll think I'm normal by then.
My sinuses seem to be less than happy, as every time I try a standing forward bend my head starts pounding. I don't understand what's been wrong with my body these past few months...also, I fear that since all this mouth infection stuff has gone on my right tonsil is inflamed again, but I really, REALLY don't want to go on any more antibiotics, so I'm hoping that with my upcoming three weeks of rest and laziness it'll clear up on its own.
Speaking of laziness...I'm feeling so, so detatched from my practice right now. I feel indifferent about it. I've been going to the gym and doing the bike and swimming, and I've been enjoying it. I don't miss my practice like I feel I should. And then I get mad at myself for not missing my practice. I think a lot of it has to do with not having a teacher here. I'm so much more motivated when I have a teacher or at least some semblance of an Ashtanga community. I also think that I need to stop having so many rigid expectations about where I should be in my practice and how many times per week I should be on the mat. I think I should let it come on its own and just find peace with that and in knowing that once I'm somewhere with a teacher there will be less...indifference. I'm hoping that in my three weeks off (starting tomorrow!!) I'll find more time and motivation to practice, given that I won't have the stresses of school and other commitments hanging over my head.
Okay, I have the hugest craving for a bagel, and given that I haven't looked forward to eating anything over the past couple weeks (eating loses all its pleasure when it's painful), I'm going to get a bagel (and I'm pathetically excited about it).
Whoa, check out today's "On this day in the year 2004" link. I'm glad that today this year is better than today a year ago!
On my iPod: "Careful Where You Stand" --Coldplay, "Sound of Silence" --Simon and Garfunkel
Posted by alegato at 9:54 AM | Comments (0)
August 9, 2005
Fun Drugs
Wow. Apparently when you get your wisdom teeth (okay, tooth) out you get to go on all the fun drugs. I went to the dentist this morning, because I was concerned that the infection might be getting worse or something, because I still can't open my mouth (I am SO sick of soup and oatmeal). The dentist was surprised at how truly pathetic my mouth-opening abilities are (I can't get a tooth brush in my mouth because there isn't enough room between my top and bottom teeth). So anyhow, she told me that what happened is that as a result of the infection I did have, my jaw muscle has totally seized up and that's why I can't open my mouth (that's what I've been saying it feels like all along, so that makes sense. So she advised me to massage it a lot, keep hot compresses on it (which I'm doing right now...not that easy while typing), take hot baths and showers (anything with a lot of vapour) and I have to take valium for the next five nights as a muscle relaxant. Good times. I've never taken valium before, and frankly I'm a little afraid of its potentcy, but I really want to be able to open my mouth again at some point.
I managed to eat a poached egg this morning with toast (big step), mostly because I couldn't resist the seeded sour dough bread at the health food store. I also paid a ridiculous amount of money for a roasted veg. organic pizza, but I don't care, because I think (hope) it's something I can actually eat.
As for practice, anything that involves putting my head down is painful. So that kind of rules out all of the primary series, as well as sun sals...the thought of downward dog (let alone ustrasana) is painful. I think that I might be able to get back to swimming though in the next couple days. Oh, and the steam room will definitely be good for me. I love when I have actual excuses to use the steam room!
I've never been so excited before at the thought of solid food. All I can think about is how badly I want to eat a roasted veg. sandwich with goat cheese on crusty bread. It's still a distant dream.
As for last night: hmm...we'll have to wait and see. Movie. It was fun. We win the prize for most awkward good nights of all time. Anyhow, we might be hanging out this weekend. We'll see.
On my iPod: "This Modern Love" --Bloc Party
P.S. Hamish, those line breaks were all for you.
Posted by alegato at 11:42 AM | Comments (2)
August 7, 2005
Excitement
So I finished my 20 page paper last night and now I have free time for the whole upcoming week. Some of which is evidently going to be spent with the New Guy. Plans tomorrow night.
So good.
Waiting for my mouth to heal. I still can't really open it. This is ridiculous. And I can't do anything active until it heals (risk of dislodging the clot and restarting bleeding)...argh.
Still sparkling though.
On my iPod: "In Your Eyes" --Peter Gabriel
Posted by alegato at 11:50 PM | Comments (2)
August 6, 2005
The Blessings
Things that make me happy when I'm in pain:
(5) My dad and stepmum calling to check up on my status every like, two hours, as though I went through brain surgery or something that's actually serious.
(4) The pharmacist who told me to take 2 Wonder Drug pills at a time PLUS Advil...he's my hero.
(3) My mum's homemade carrot soup that I haven't had in years, but that reminds me of midnight snacks at the cottage.
(2) The French toast my mum and I made for breakfast this morning out of the fresh bread she brought from the Hungarian bakery. I had to cut mine up into ridiculously small pieces to be able to put them in my mouth (which I still can't open), but everything is good with real maple syrup.
(1) The fact that a certain New Guy can't wait to go out on another "date" (his word, not mine..it's one of those words that makes me roll my eyes for all its cheesiness) when I'm feeling better next week (and that he'd wanted to do something this weekend...until my tooth got in the way)!
Today: Finishing my 15-20 page media history paper. Maybe a movie tonight?
Tomorrow: Going to my dad's to take my aunt and her sons to the airport (they're going back home to Singapore).
Next week: Last week of school before three weeks off!
"I had the blessings, a moment of peace even when the night ends,
Yeah the blessings, can we meet? Can we meet again,
At the crossroads of disaster and the imperfect smile,
With the angel in the streetlamp that blinks on as I walk on a mile, the blessings."
--"The Blessings" --Dar Williams
On my iPod: "Old Skool Love" --Divine Brown
Posted by alegato at 11:54 AM | Comments (0)
August 5, 2005
The good times just keep on coming...
So this is how my dentist's appointment went this afternoon:
Me: I can't open my mouth.
Assistant: You have to so we can take an x-ray.
Me: No, really, I physically can't open my mouth.
Somehow, miraculously, she managed to put the film thing in my mouth to take the x-ray.
Assistant: Your wisdom tooth is infected and we have to take it out..right now.
Me: (look of horror crosses face, eyes well up with tears, because I'm the world's biggest wimp) NOW? Okay, I have to go call my mum.
So I called my mum, she's on her way to see me now. She's bringing me her homemade carrot soup and some Hungarian comfort food that I probably won't be able to chew.
Oh, and now, everytime I talk to one of my parents I start to cry. I don't know why. It doesn't make any sense, but I do. And I have four parents, so that's a lot of crying!
So they pulled the tooth out. I didn't even know that it had been extracted (likely because I made them give me more and more local anesthetic). And then I came very, very close to fainting. I was seconds away from hitting the floor, but I managed to make it to a chair in the waiting room. Somehow I managed to drive home. But I was too shaky once I got here to do much of anything, so the Dental Student came and got me and drove me to the pharmacy to get my prescription for Tylenol 3s (hereafter known as the Wonder Drug) filled.
I just came home, popped my first Wonder Drug, and am waiting for it to start working, because the freezing's wearing off and I'm now definitely in pain. And my cheek is swollen, which is kind of amusing because it makes me look like a chipmunk.
Anyhow, here's what I was thinking (not when they were actually pullng my tooth...when they were actually pulling it I was trying to breathe, shaking violently and thinking, 'Please let it be over, please let it be over, please let it be over.') as much as we all hate having wisdom teeth (or other teeth) removed, and as painful as it is, how lucky are we, here in the West, to have that ability to just go to a reputable dentist (there seems to be one on every corner here), walk in, pay them our $350 (which, thankfully my private insurace will reimburse me) and have the pain stop (well, evidently not immediately, but soon). We are so lucky that's even an option. A lot of people don't make $350 in a whole YEAR. So what I'm trying to say in this silly rant, is that we take all that for granted and complain about the pain and the inconvenience, but imagine having to live with that infected tooth and not having the option of having someone, in a sterile, safe environment remove it, stitch it up and give you a prescription for the Wonder Drug.
God bless the Wonder Drug.
On my iPod: "Stars and Sons" --Broken Social Scene, "Song 2" --Blur
Posted by alegato at 2:56 PM | Comments (1)
August 4, 2005
Make it stop
Okay, my wisdom tooth is out of control. I can't really open my mouth more than a centimetre, and my whole right cheek is throbbing. I've had a fever all afternoon, which indicates an infection (which is weird, because I'm still on antibiotics for my tonsillitis). And now I can't find an emergency dentist. This is ridiculous. No one, NO ONE, not even the people whose ads say things like, "No patient in pain will go untreated!" has someone who can help me tonight, or even tomorrow for that matter. My messages have gotten more franctic the more places I've called. I've been in tears since I got home an hour ago. This pain is ridiculous. I'm completely beside myself. Extra-strength Tylenol and Advil have done nothing to even touch the pain. The Dental Student thinks I'll probably have to have it taken out, which frankly, at this point, is absolutely fine with me. I honestly wish I had some valium or something so that I could just pass out until morning, but, I don't, so..I probably just won't sleep. Fuck.
On my iPod: "See You Soon" --Coldplay
Posted by alegato at 8:25 PM | Comments (0)
August 3, 2005
Ow
I'm beginning to think that my body hates me. Between the tonsillitis and the crazy bruises from (1) getting my blood taken, and (2)my slippery flip-flops/dancing bruise (which, by the way, is making sleeping difficult, because the only way I can sleep that doesn't make my bruise angry is on my back)....I'm starting to go crazy. Oh, and I just sneezed twice. That can't be good.
So, because my body's so screwed up right now this is the conversation it had with itself: "Wow. She's looking really bad. And those antibiotics really seem to be killing her stomach. Hmmm..what can we do to make her even more uncomfortable? OH! I know..lets make it so that she can't eat or even open her mouth!"
I'm pretty sure that's how it went, but maybe I'm mildly paranoid. This morning I woke up and the whole right side of my mouth is sore, inflamed and I can only open my mouth about an inch before there's a whole bunch of pain. Yeah, my one wisdom tooth that's been coming in for awhile now seems to be making a mad dash to fully cut through the gums. No wonder babies have such a hard time with teething. I wish I had one of those frozen teething rings to suck on...but people might think that was weird.
One and a half more weeks of school and then three weeks off. By that time I probably won't be able to walk or something (not funny Andrea).
Oh, after an evening of ridiculous neuroses and worrying....of course there was no reason to. It's amazing how much our mind can convince us of things that we have absolutely no reason to believe. More chatting. More laughing. More butterflies.
"We spent some time
together walking
Spent some time just talking
about who we were
You held my hand so
very tightly
And told me what we
could be dreaming of"
"Nothing Like You and I" --The Perishers
Posted by alegato at 8:14 AM | Comments (1)
August 2, 2005
Shock
Wow. WOW. So, I knew the Gay Husband was coming to visit me yesterday. I thought we'd just go out for dinner, maybe grab a drink or two and then come home, watch a movie and go to bed. But no. Instead I almost had a heart attack!
So, the Gay Husband got here around five, saw my apartment (finally)...we chatted. He mentioned that he'd seen a delivery person milling about outside my apartment. Then my doorbell rang. I grumbled about having to go all the way back downstairs to answer the door. All I could see outside the door was a gigantic plant. I opened the door thinking it was a delivery for another tenant, and the person carrying the plany wordlessly shoved the plant into my hands...then moved the plant away from her face to reveal....The Model!!! She was supposed to be in Japan until sometime in the fall, but things didn't go as well as planned, and so she's been back in Canada for about two weeks, but no one told me, because she wanted to surprise me! I was SO shocked (imagine trying to process the fact that someone who you thought was on the other side of the world is standing right in front of you!).
Anyhow, I was SO excited. We had a great night last night. Dinner with some of my friends from school and then we all went out. Drank. Danced. Laughed. Ate pierogies at a diner. Oh, and some point while we were dancing I slipped on a spilled drink and now have a gigantic and very painful bruise on my left shin. Ouch. Hurts to walk.
So this morning the three of us had brunch. Went to the market. I took them to the tea shop with which I am so entirely obsessed. And they just left a few minutes ago.
I got some food from the Delhi Deli at the market. Get this: lemon basmati, two veg. dishes (I chose chana dahl and mattar paneer) for $5! And I just tasted it and it's awesome (and I'm very hard to please in the way of Indian food). I'm definitely looking forward to my dinner.
The Model is thinking of moving to Toronto in September, which would be awesome. I'm still so excited that she's back!
In other news: I remain smitten.
Oh, and I finished Harry Potter in two days. Now I'm in serious withdrawal and I'm upset that when the next one comes out it will be the last one. I'm actually considering getting the books on cd so I can relive them again...they're just so..addictive.
On my iPod: "Title and Registration" --Death Cab for Cutie, "Coffee Stain" --Sarah Harmer
Posted by alegato at 1:24 PM | Comments (1)