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March 21, 2006

The breaking point

The Downsides: I pride myself on being able to brush off stress. It doesn't touch me. I don't let it bother me. It's not worth wasting energy on. Blah blah blah. Those are my usual adages...until this week.

This week has kicked me in the ass and I'm having a hard time seeing my way out of it. Three and a half more weeks, yes, but three and a half more works with more work than it is humanly possible to complete and a documentary that is in total ruins.

This is so unlike me. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to get it all done. I know I need to just shut up and buckle down, but....FUCK!

I cried the whole way home from school this afternoon.

Worst 3.5 weeks ever.

No time for practice. No space for practice. No mind for practice.

The Upside: I've formulated a new plan for the next 12 months of my life and it goes a little something like this: move home to my parents' until I find work in Toronto, move to Toronto, work, work, work............

January 2007: back to Mysore!!!!!

Posted by alegato at 1:31 PM | Comments (0)

March 19, 2006

Letting it out

St. Patrick's Day is huge in Montreal. There's a gigantic parade, the longest-running in North America I believe (although, maybe it's just Canada, not sure). And way too much partying to even describe. This year I was in London....Ontario. St. Patrick's Day was the hugest of flops. I started out optimisitic....baked a splendid loaf of Irish soda bread, sent out a mass email summoning my friends to get together and imbibe....but alas, it all came to a screeching halt when the Boyfriend (ew, I need to think of a new name) started drinking with his work colleagues (and all along I thought lawyers were supposed to be professional) around lunchtime. By the time I met up with him he was pretty wasted...we ended up having dinner and going home at 8 so he could pass out. Of course, he didn't pass out before saying a couple things that I took way too personally (that weren't actually directed at me....but, being a girl, I have the tendency to over-analyze things and read far too much into them). Anyhow, all that to say that St. Patrick's Day sucked and ended with my feelings being hurt.

So yesterday I brushed myself off and ran around town doing all kinds of errands and a little bit of school work. We were supposed to spend the evening together and have dinner, but the Boyfriend decided he needed some time to chill by himself (which, in retrospect, was probably a good idea), so I drove myself right on out of London to my parent's place (this was after I had a good, long, frustrated cry).

The nice thing about being at home was that I got to practice this morning! I took an Ashtanga improv class at the Burlington shala. Katie was teaching and it was super high-energy. A lot of hip-opening, which was great, because my hips are officially closed. Sometimes I don't like improv classes, because I hate not knowing what comes next, not being able to flow from pose to pose without even thinking, but today it was a great distraction for my frantic mind. I needed that practice. I poured everything I had into that practice. It was sweaty and intense and wonderful. It was cathartic.

My drive home last night was one of the most pleasant in awhile, because I actually wanted to just sit and think and it gave me that opportunity. And I got to thinking about why it is that London still doesn't work for me, even after nearly a year here. And here's the thing: back in Montreal I had a great support system. If I was ever feeling down or bored or...anything, I called up my friends and they shared it with me. We grabbed a beer, or, more often than not, made extravagantly wonderful feasts and then just sat and laughed, and laughed and laughed...and it made the world better, every single time. If my friends were unavailable (rare, but it happened) there were two more things I could turn to: yoga and the city. I could always find a class that fit into my schedule, and it was always the therapy I needed. And if for some reason I didn't feel like yoga, I'd take a gigantic walk around the city, and watching the people and the antics and..just...everything, never failed to cheer me up. In London I'm really lacking in all three areas...and to me they're just so important. Case in point: check out last year's entry from today in which I mention: much time spent with friends, a giganticly long walk around the city, and yoga.

So I've decided to leave London as soon as I can after I finish school. Going to Toronto, being in a city, with yoga, as well as the Model and the Model's Roommate, and the Gay Husband...it'll let me be me again...I've felt lost here in London. It just doesn't fit with me.

Of course, that raises other issues, and those issues came out tonight. I'm pretty sure he thinks I'm insane...sitting there on his couch crying and sniffling and not even being able to verbalize why I was feeling so sad. But he listened and he hugged me, and he told me I need to talk about stuff that bothers me more often. So true. I hate making myself vulnerable....I'm a cancer....hard shell...like a crab.

We talked. And we agreed...this can't stop here....we'll figure something out.

Posted by alegato at 10:45 PM | Comments (1)

March 13, 2006

Bad Start

Why today is probably not going to be a good day:

-I didn't sleep at all last night. I was done my work at 11, but I still couldn't sleep.

-I feel like I've been having an unending panic attack for the past 24 hours

-I feel like I'm going to throw up every time I think about my documentary

-My heart feels like it's going to pound right out of my chest

-I don't think there's going to be any opportunity for me to relax in the next 5 weeks

-I feel ill

-I want to go hide under my covers and not come out until school is over

Posted by alegato at 8:12 AM | Comments (0)

March 6, 2006

Compromises

I took a led class on Saturday morning, because I was at my parents' place, and thus close to the Burlington shala. I know, I know, it's shocking, I actually did some yoga for a change. Cheryl taught a lovely modified primary (i.e. less than half of primary). They've taken over the room next door and taken out the dividing wall, so now we all have room without having to get there 20 minutes early to fight for mat space. The practice helped with my panicked state of mind (which persists, and I fear is worsening) for the day. It's becoming increasingly clear though that if I don't get out of this town soon and back to a place with an Ashtanga community I'm not going to have a practice. The regression continues.

Here's an interesting question that I haven't been able to answer yet: why is it that I'm disciplined enough to go to the gym 5 days a week (as I've been doing since I got back here about a month ago), but I' not disciplined enough to practice 5 days a week, or even 2 days a week for that matter? My hypothesis so far as something to do with me requiring other people, other energy in the room. But you'd think that I would be able to hit the mat regularly given how much calmness and clarity I seem to get from it. But, hell, that's just way too logical.

My mum and I had a big conversation this weekend about what's next for me. And, more specifically, where is next for me. I'm planning on going wherever I get a job...but would prefer to be in either Toronto or Ottawa. The Guy (I don't know what to call him....I hate the word boyfriend) can't go to Toronto unless he wants to work 70 hours/week (which he understandably doesn't). So how much am I willing to compromise? Bottom line: I can't stay here. I feel like I'm compromising everything about myself by being here. Of course, right now I'm here for school, but to stay here after school would just be so untrue to myself. And what's really pathetic? All I can think about is how yoga will fit in. I have to go somewhere with yoga.

So, the bottomline is, if a relationship is meant to work, people will find a way to be together. Often that involves compromise. But neither person should have to compromise everything to give everything to the other person. That is, you have to meet halfway. I wish I knew where halfway was.

But given all that I thought about and all that I realised over the weekend, this is something real and something big, and it's not something that I'm willing to quit or compromise about. So the task to find a happy medium for both of us remains.

Otherwise, the panic persists. I don't know how this documentary is going to come together, but it has to. However, there's so much stability and happiness everywhere else in my life that it's pretty clear what really matters...and how insignificant this project will seem in the future. Just push on through, keep everything in perspective, and remember what truly matters.

Posted by alegato at 9:42 AM | Comments (0)

Open Window

Love, I see you there
adrift on the air
floating by the open window
ah, the sentiment of love
reflections I speak of
what can enter
when our hearts are open
Here witnesses appear
and recognize how sacred love can be
when stated
Shared, shown for all to see
the beauty that can be
when love is cultivated
Our love is a sacred thing
like the mysteries of the night
in the darkness unwavering
and still so strong come the light
Our love is an infinite thing
like the sun's last ray on the sea
as it sets low in the west
and the moon rises

--Sarah Harmer

Posted by alegato at 12:11 AM | Comments (0)

March 2, 2006

Panicking

So, I woke up at 4a.m. this morning and couldn't get back to sleep until around 5a.m. I was in total panic attack mode. All of the sudden everything that I have to get done over the next 6 weeks just hit me. And it hit me hard. I started making a mental list...and that just made it worse. I got up and went into the bathroom at one point (so as to continue my moment of insanity without waking the guy snoring beside me) and just sat down and tried to come up with an action plan. This was my middle-of-the-night action plan: do everything tomorrow, and then you won't have to worry anymore. Right. Well, since that's impossible, I'm just working at chipping away at as much as I can. Mostly I'm worried about the short documentary that I'm working on...I don't know how/when I'm going to get it done...and so much relies on other people....people agreeing to interviews, people fitting interviews into their schedules.....I hate not being 100% in control!

I told a good friend about the panic attack this morning, and she said that I can't panic, because that will destroy her zen image of me. Yeah, I generally don't worry too much about school, work etc. I don't stress out. It's something I learned in McGill undergrad, AKA boot camp. Worrying will get you nowhere. Working 24/7 will get you everywhere. Yoga will get you even further. I didn't really learn to stop stressing about school until I started practising yoga, and I think that's what I need right now, but what I'm also so unmotivated to do. Why is that? Maybe I should try practising when I get home from school tonight. It might reinvigorate me and calm my mind.

There's also something bothering me right now that I feel I really need to talk about. But, I feel like I can only talk to the Model about it, and she's in Thailand. I don't want to write too much about it here...you never know who's reading. Suffice it to say: I don't know what's real and what's in my head. That is, I don't know what's real and what I'm just trying to make real, because I want it so badly. I think I'm thinking way too much.

KJS and Vanessa: you're both going to be so missed by this little community of online ashtangis. I'll miss your humour, your honesty and just reading about your day-to-day lives. All the best to both of you. I hope we cross paths sometime down the road.

Posted by alegato at 11:48 AM | Comments (0)