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July 27, 2006
Too afraid to know.
There's something I haven't mentioned, because I've been too sad and afraid to even say the words.
My mum and my stepdad were away for the weekend. When they got home on Tuesday night I saw them and immediately knew something was wrong. My stepdad isn't well. The symptoms appeared suddenly while they were away. He had blood tests done yesterday and got the results back today. He's going in for more invasive testing next week.
Nothing's been confirmed yet, but my parents are both in medicine. They know what test results mean. My stepdad won't say anything at all, but my mum and I have both noticed the weight loss. My mum says that although nothing is conclusive yet, she isn't expecting good news. She won't come right out and say it, but I know that she's thinking of a six letter word that starts with C.
She told me that when I got home tonight. We sat down in the living room and cried and cried...and I haven't stopped.
I shouldn't get ahead of myself. I should wait until we know. I just, God, I'm just really, really scared for what I could hear next week. And I'm really, really scared for my mum. I worry about her so much. My stepdad is 16 years older than my mum, so I pretty much knew this would come eventually, but....you can never really be prepared.
I hope that we're wrong. I hope that we're overreacting. I really hope so. But my mum's expression is so grave...
That man....he's been in my life since I was about 2 years old. He's done everything for me. Given everything for me. Taught me so much. Loved me with everything he has.....
Please, let him be okay. Please.
Posted by alegato at 9:28 PM | Comments (3)
Sore body, calm mind
As much as I wanted to do nothing more than get in my car and drive home last night when I got into the train station aroung 6:30, I used every ounce of will power I have to kill some time and go to the 7:30 intermediate class at Katie's shala.I stopped at the grocery store, got some cottage cheese with a few slices of mango and re-energized myself (I know, bad lady, but seriously, I hadn't eaten since 12:30...there was no way I'd make it until 9 without fainting).
I made it to the shala about 15 minutes before practice. I chatted with Katie for a little while before class. She immediately commented on my weight loss, which was such an ego-boost. Indeed, since I gave up refined sugar and flour and started watching portion sizes (about a month ago) I've lost about 10 pounds and I feel so much better. And it certainly affects my practice in a very positive way.
We did full primary, which I wasn't expecting. Full primary at a speedy pace no less. It was brutal but wonderful. It helped that it's been rather hot and humid here lately (i.e. it was still 32C/90F when I left the shala at 9:15 last night...). After 4 As and 2 Bs I was sweating like a maniac. But it felt good through my hamstrings...nose to shins effortlessly. Standing poses went well (aside from my balance in Utthita Hasta Padangusthasana, which never fails to betray me when I'm practising with others, but seems to be fine when I'm practising at home). I felt my bandhas starting to get really shaky in navasana. So by the time I got into bhujapidasana and supta kurmasana any attempts at the tittibhasana/bakasana transition were weak at best. With help though my fingers did touch (just barely) in supta, which certainly surprised me. I grunted. Katie laughed. But hey, it's promising at least. Right now I think I really need to work on getting my hip and shoulder flexibility back. I need to work on getting my arms under my shoulders for kurmasana and supta kurmasana. And, I need to work on strength.
I can't get anything past Katie. She and I were in Mysore at the same time, she knows what my body is capable of. So..last night I got called on the fact that my inner palms were lifting during my chaturangas. By the end of practice my chaturangas were absolutely pathetic. Weak. Blah. So yeah, upper body strength needs work..but that will come with time and endurance and, of course, practice.
Backbends....let's not even talk about them. Weak and tired and sad...no joy. There was joy in headstand though. And there was definitely joy in savasana!
So, The Guy is in the process of moving into the new apartment. The idea is that I'm moving in as soon as I get a job in London. The apartment is a one bedroom + den. So, I'm going to ask The Guy when I see him tomorrow about the possibility of turning the den into a practice space. He knows how much it upsets me that I can't find an Ashtanga teacher/studio in London, so I'm pretty sure this is a compromise he'll be willing to make.
Little glimpses of hope, like the ones I saw in practice last night make me want more. They make me see the light and the peace of the practice.
And the way I feel today, the fatigued, lengthened muscles and the soreness, well, call me a masochist (I think we've already come to the conclusion that Ashtangis are masochists), but I love it. I love knowing that I worked my body that hard. That my body worked with me. And that in so doing, my mind was calmed.
Posted by alegato at 8:29 AM | Comments (0)
July 19, 2006
24
"If today is your birthday
There are some encouraging financial opportunities in the offing. Gains will be maximized, as long as you don't waste time doubting your own abilities. You are far more fortunate than you can yet see."
--Toronto Star
"Born today on the 19th, July :
These people have great influence over others and can be found at the apex of power. They are seldom, however, the ones to actually exercise it. The subtle, empathetic nature of July 19 is better suited to advise and help. They lack the blistering roar of the leader and a naturally sympathetic cast of mind makes it almost impossible to do anything nasty. This does not prevent them from advising somebody else to take drastic steps. Women find this role rewarding. It comes through marriage or the conventional personal assistant relationship so many develop with a powerful boss at work. They understand the need to provide physical comfort, to find the exact kind of tea, the perfect cut to a ham sandwich, the only shade of nail varnish in town. And of course they know who will be welcomed by their master, mistress, husband or lover and who won't. July 19 may spend hours reading papers, researching in libraries or interviewing specialists in order to come up with vital answers for a conference. Most of them thoroughly enjoy this, fascinated by learning. Naturally they also enjoy the wealth and power, glamorous receptions, television interviews and the sheer fun of having the prime minister on the telephone. In all their dealings, July 19 remains discreet and never misuses his power. Nobody is personally favoured or worse, excluded by this master of the key to the charmed circle, in a fit of willful meanness. They stay tactfully in the background behind other advisors, simply because the personal relationship means taking extra care. July 19 must ensure there is sufficient time left for a personal life. If the powerful one is a domestic partner, it is vital for everybody's happiness. It's never the right time to get pregnant, so do it anyway. If it's a friendship then our summertime babe must have his or her own life. You can't live through another and overdependent people lose their attractions." --MSN horoscopes
"Happy Birthday! As would seem appropriate with this transit, today is a day of new beginnings, and the influences you feel today will affect the entire year to come. However, this does not mean that the whole year will be disappointing if today doesn't work out exactly as planned. You are receiving a new impulse from the energy center within you, as symbolized by the Sun. Therefore any new venture that you start at this time will ride the crest of this new energy and will very likely come to an acceptable conclusion. Whatever you do or begin today will bear the stamp of your individuality more than anything else. This is the day to assert yourself anew."
--astro.com
Posted by alegato at 8:15 AM | Comments (5)
July 17, 2006
Fallen
All of the sudden the "ifs" have become "whens." The apartment that was his has become ours (if only in name). I say, "I don't want to go," and he replies, "I don't want you to go either. That's why I want you to move in."
It was a weekend of shameless gazing and smiling and laughing and intertwined fingers. It was as though suddenly it all became clear. Suddenly there was no longer any need for pretense or for concealing anything that we think or feel or want. His older sisters said, "You're family now." They too stopped talking in ifs and started talking in whens. And it's all so effortless. And it's all so natural. And it's nothing less than blissful.
All of the sudden I know exactly what I want. I know where I want to be. And I know that it's the same place that he wants me to be. And it feels right. It feels perfect. It feels like contentment.
And yeah, the job is a technicality, but it will work itself out. It will all work itself out, because what really matters doesn't happen between 9-5.
P: Congratulations on being called to the Bar today. I'm incredibly proud of you....you have no idea. xoxoxo.
"I’ve been wishing on a star but I could never have imagined
I would land just where you are after all this lonesome traveling
I took one look in your eye, reached out to hold your hand
This is when I realized that I could never understand
Do you want to be my one and only love?"
--Teitur, "One and Only"
Posted by alegato at 9:50 PM | Comments (7)
July 11, 2006
I can't believe I forgot to post this yesterday (or Sunday)..
ITALIA! ITALIA! ITALIA!
Oh well....at least I got to wear my fancy dancy forza Italia shirt all day on Sunday!!!
Posted by alegato at 8:36 AM | Comments (1)
July 10, 2006
Growing Pains
I've been having that all-too-frequent (for me, in the past year and a half at least) internal conflict of trying to define home.
I'm so desperately frightened of those people who say, "University was the best time of my life." I find the thought thoroughly depressing. Not because I didn't have a good time in university. I had an incredible, amazing experience, but because, frankly, the thought that it's all downhill from here seems (a) silly, (b) depressing, and (c) like something that only happens if one stops taking responsibility for his/her life. But herein lies the problem: I did have an amazing time in university. Anyone who's been reading for awhile has seen me wax endelessly about the glories of Montreal...and my friends...and most importantly, the combination of the two: my friends + Montreal.
Okay, so Montreal is behind me and my friends have spread out. Got it. Accepted it. Moved on.
And I recognize that it's impossible to recapture the past, and I'm okay with that, beacuse, I mean...it's all about progress, but I'm not sure how to reconcile how I want my life to be with how it is.
I'm incredibly blessed. I have an amazing, supportive family, a loving, thoughtful boyfriend, and the best, smartest, funniest friends in the world (seriously, trust me). But they're all in different places (Hamilton, London and Toronto/Montreal/New York/Asia respectively). I don't want to live in Hamilton, and I definitely don't want to live in Toronto (having come to regard it as something of a soulless city), almost all of my friends are gone from Montreal and as much as I'd love to move to New York it would mean the end of this relationship that I'm simply not willing to sacrifice, so that leaves London, where, well, it's not my favourite place in the world, but He's there, and the life we're building is there and it's growing on me more and more.
Seriously, I'm going to stop babbling in like, two minutes...two minutes....I swear....
So I guess I know what my asnwer is, but, I feel so disconnected living there, without any friends of my own. I know that Meg feels the same way in NYC right now, and so does The Model in Toronto. I suppose it's all a part of moving on, growing up and finding our own ways, but I really wish we could all be in the same place again.
And I've come to the conclusion that 9-5 jobs aren't the best for me. I like to have the freedom to set my own hours. To get up and practise when I want, and then work later if necessary in order to accomodate practice. I like the freedom. And lately I've been craving travel like crazy; travel to Europe and India and SE Asia, and I want to have the flexibility to do that. I just have to find a way to fit it in. I guess that's the beauty about being in my twenties.. I can make these decision now, identify my wants and needs now, so that I can position myself and my career to meet those needs.
Ah, growing pains.
In other news.....I got asked to move in with him! Like, live, together, in his beautiful new apartment..and get to spend all the time together that we wish we could right now....this is definitely something big.
Him: So, I was thinking that when you move in with me when you come back to London we can use your antique tv stand, because it will fit better in the room.
Me: When I move in with you?!?!?!
Him: Yeah, I thought that should be part of the plan.
Me: Yeah, me too, but, I didn't want to bring it up yet. I was afraid you might think I was rushing things.
Him: I really want to live with you.
Me: Are you sure you're of the male gender? Where's the fear of commitment? Where's the fear of my decorating choices taking over your life? Why are you so wonderful?
Posted by alegato at 10:53 AM | Comments (2)
July 6, 2006
The crazy yogi in the office next to me....
Oh boff! A few of my co-workers just asked me to come for cake (there's a little in-office celebration) and the only way out of it was to tell them the truth: that I'm not eating sugar right now. Great. Now they know that I'm a crazy yogi through and through.
Looking on the bright side: do you think this means that they won't think I'm weird now if I start doing handstands and headstands in my office? No...probably still weird....
Something that makes me really angry all the time: people who take the elevator to go up one floor. Well, actually, people who take the elevator to go any less than four floors. I mean, I understand if you have a disability of some sort that prevents you from climbing stairs, but I really want to yell at all the able-bodied people who are taking the elevator from the lobby to the second floor and simultaneously eating McDonald's. Seriously people, seriously.
Okay, I'm going back to munching on my cucumber and red pepper slices......I laugh in the face of cake (but secretly I'm jealous on the inside!!!).
Posted by alegato at 2:04 PM | Comments (4)
July 5, 2006
When the cat's away...
My boss is away and thus I have very little to do. And by very little, I mean very little.
Today I started my new extra healthy eating regime, in hopes of redisciplining myself. My mum and I are both following the same (really yummy) meal plan for the next 10 days. No refined flour and no added sugar, as well as specific portion sizes and proportions of protein, grains and fruits/veggies. It all sounds way more austere than it actually is (i.e. I actually really love all the food...I had a bowl of oat bran for breakfast, I'm having a greek salad with grilled shrimp in a whole wheat pita for lunch, and baked salmon with tons of fresh veggies for dinner, and almonds and red bell pepper for snacks) . After 10 days it becomes less stringent, which is nice, but I'm actually really excited to get my eating back on track.
It's not that my eating has been so horrible, it's just that I've fallen into that horrible trap, that I've always refused to fall into in the past, of buying my lunches. And when I have to go somewhere to get lunch I, all too often, give in to temptation and pick up snacks as well (a cookie here, a piece of lemon poppy seed cake there), and I need to snap out of that habit immediately and get back into my usual healthy yogi routine.
That's pretty much the most excitement in my life right now. That, and the fact that I'm geting my hair cut tonight (and therefore missing my favourite yoga class of the week..).
Posted by alegato at 9:08 AM | Comments (0)
July 4, 2006
Long weekends, good....Going back to work, bad
What a chillled out Canada Day long weekend that was. Spent it at the cottage with my family and The Guy. My parents finally caved and decided that The Guy and I are both allowed to sleep in my bedroom, and, *gasp*, we're even allowed to close the door! This is something of a revelation. A previous boyfriend who came to the cottage was allowed to sleep in my room, but we had to leave the door open. This prompted my mother to do things like knock on the door and say, "Andrea? Andrea? I really think you should open the door. Um, it's really, um, warm in here tonight, and so um, I think you'd get a better cross-breeze if you opened the door.." I love my mother and her fake reasoning. I'm pretty glad she got over it!
It was everything a long weekend should be: hot, humid, beach, swimmng, margaritas, good wine, good company, sunburns and ice cream. No practice. Didn't even bring my mat to the cottage.
My schedule keeps thwarting practice in general. Mornings are out auomatically, given that I leave the house at 7:10 just to make it to work by 9. I wanted to make a concerted effort to get some after-work practices in this week, but well, yesterday I was in London. Today is my dad's birthday(Happy birthday Daddy! I hope you get what we're all wishing for for your birthady), so I have to go straight from work to his house for dinner. Tomorrow, which is the night I usually can for-sure go to practice, I have a hair appointment. I booked it three weeks ago and it was the only one available with their curly hair specialist. And I need it desperately given that the last hair cut I got was a disaster (should have been a warning sign when the stylist argued with me for the first 15 minutes of the appointment as to how I wanted my hair cut......because it wasn't a radical make over and more just a trim and for some reason she had a problem with this). Thursday I can do, but there's a serious lack of 5:30 Ashtanga classes on Thursdays in Toronto, for some reason. Anyhow, I'll see what I can figure out.
Long distance relationships are stupid. Although, I really shouldn't be allowed to complain, because we only live an hour apart and we see each other every weekend from Friday night to Sunday night....but, nonetheless....last night we were chatting after I got home to my parents' place. He said, "It's really hard being here without you. I don't mean that we can't survive the distance..I just mean that I miss you and want to see you every day." *sigh* Me too.....me too.
Posted by alegato at 8:45 AM | Comments (0)