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August 31, 2006
Past, Present, Future
Right now:
I have no explanation for the fact that it's 9:39 a.m. and I'm starving. At 7:00 a.m. I ate a perfectly good breakfast of whole grain cereal with banana slices and local blueberries. And now? Hunger. Grumbling stomach. This may or may not have something to do with the 2 hour commute. Usually I have a few almonds as a mid-morning snack, but it seems too early for almonds. Hmph.
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Before:
It feels like it's taken forever for the last five days of my job to pass. And my boss has given me an inhuman amount of work. So much work that it simply is not possible for me to finish. In fact, I'm not sure I could finish it even if I worked for the next 36 hours without stopping (not that I would ever dream of doing that...I have plans tonight!).
I do feel a lot less stressed out though, as things at home have been better. And I got a fabulous deep tissue massage on the weekend. Finally someone listened when I told them I wanted deep tissue work. It worked wonders...I honestly didn't stop talking about it for about, 24 hours afterward.
However, I have a bone to pick. Actually, a couple bones. First of all, at the end, the therapist told me that two of my ribs, between my shoulder blades have "popped out of place." I gave her an odd look and inquired as to how that might happen. She told me it could happen from sitting at a desk a lot and thereby developing weak lats/pecs. And then she told me to practice bringing my shoulder blades back and together 12 times per day. Right, because 60+ chaturangas aren't enough!
Bone #1: Oh dear Ashtangis, we all know that Ashtangis do not have the weak backs. In fact, one of the things I'm constantly focused on is making sure that I'm using my lats and not my trapezius. Also, the pecs....definitely not weak and are definitely used a lot, a LOT in Ashtanga, as I know Julie would confess. However, I didn't feel like launching into a whole schpeel about Ashtanga Yoga and how it isn't just a bunch of people wearing white, chanting om, lightly stretching and you know, levitating. From now on, must only go to RMTs who are familiar with yoga and its various forms.
Bone #2: Upon discussion with my stepdad, the radiologist, and my mum, the professor of medical imaging, it came to my attention that it is simply not possible for ribs to "pop out of place." Well, at least not without some muscle/tendon tears and an insane amount of pain.
So now, despite the wondrous massage, I don't want to go back to this therapist because I (a) question the therapist's knowledge, and (b) I question that therapist's motives, as the therapist's employer also offer chiropractic services, and in fact, I was pushed to make an appointment with one of the in-hous chiros, which I turned down.
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Soon:
Applefest IV is a mere one week away. The Former Roommate and his boyfriend are coming in from Montreal. Meg is coming in from New York. Planning is underway. So far, my part of the menu involves the preparation of an apple-almond cheesecake, savoury apple turnovers with blue cheese and caramelized onions (no recipe, as these are my own personal creation), and a sweet potato, apple and fontina galette (in the September issue of Gourmet). Great. Now I'm even hungrier.
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The stuff that's just starting to dawn on me:
Remember how The Guy asked me to move in with him, and I was all excited and a-twitter? Yeah, well now that I'm actually going to be done my job in Toronto, I actually have to move in with him! Not that I don't want to. Oh, I want to. It's just more like, 'Shit...this is a serious, adult relationship! How/when did that happen?!?' I'm thrilled and delighted...and I can't wait to get my hands on those empty wine bottles that he thinks are nice decoration on the mantle. Those are going in the recycling bin!
Posted by alegato at 8:40 AM | Comments (2)
August 25, 2006
Would I get in trouble for sleeping under my desk?
I'm horribly tired and consequently in a not-so-happy mood. I got stuck in the city until later than planned last night (dinner with grad school friends), then there was a problem with my train. All told, I didn't get to bed until around 12, and then I got to get up at 6:15 and do it all over again today. Yippee. My horoscope seems to sum everything up quite well:
It's not easy putting on the appearance of being tough when you are inwardly soft. But this game is happily coming to an end as a vague sense of oppression begins to lift. Things are getting better.
I certainly hope they are.
Things have gotten better already though. There has been good news this week...finally. Pathology report received on Monday says that there was no spread! No need for radiation or chemo. We can't believe how lucky this is. Serendipitous really...that it was the benign tumour that bled and alerted us to the existence of the malignant one.
I've found myself questioning a lot lately. Questioning myself, my decisions, the compromises I've made and how all this fits into the bigger scheme of my life, i.e. who I am, or at least, who I picture myself to be. Am I giving up too much? Am I ditching my dreams? What are my priorities and are they still achieveable given this new set of circumstances?
This all started rising to the surface last weekend..after I gave my notice, after I realised, "Oh shit....now I actually have to go through with all the stuff I've been planning. But there's still so much I want to do!" So that's the real question: does moving there, giving up city life, giving up "single" life, render any of those things impossible? I don't know.
And today this is all exacerbated by fatigue. I'm normally the cool, easy going, not-at-all jealous girlfriend...but today I'm all "I'm making all the compromises here!" And when The Guy told me he didn't get home until late last night after a drinking outing because he had to walk one of the female articling students home, I, Andrea, the cool, chilled out girlfriend, wrote this less-than-chilled-out email:
You had to walk one of the hot girls home, eh? Interesting. Chivalrous, I suppose.
And let me be clear, by "interesting" and "chivalrous," I meant "I'm pissed off" and "What? She's never heard of taking a taxi?"
No, I have no reason to be passive agressive and bitchy toward The Guy, who is nothing if not honest and trustworthy. Too bad he got stuck with me today....exhaustion's a bitch. So are hormones.
Posted by alegato at 8:58 AM | Comments (3)
August 21, 2006
Why I need coffee
Despite the fact that I successfully eschewed coffee for about 2 years, it has sneakily reappeared on my daily menu. The following is in defence of my addiction (said addiction consists of one measly extra small cup of dark roast per day...any more is too much caffeine for me and I start to vibrate around the room. Yes, I am a caffeine weakling).
(5) Staring at a computer for 8 hours a day makes me tired.
(4) Spending 4 hours a day in transit makes me tired (I fall asleep in any and all moving vehicles within approximately 30 minutes).
(3) My room is in the basement underneath the kitchen, and this means that my mum wakes me up every morning at 5:30 a.m. when she walks into the kitchen to feed the cats.
(2) Everything makes me angry in the morning (i.e. this morning, in my head, I penned a letter to the commuter train people due to my anger that the train is NEVER ON TIME, and hasn't been for the PAST MONTH, and no one EVER apologizes or even admits to this. Yes, anger. Grrrrrrr.). Caffeine makes it all a little more tolerable.
(1) I am evidently far more stressed out about this whole cancer situation than I can even admit to myself. Thus, for the past 3-4 weeks I haven't had a single night of deep, restorative sleep. While I do sleep, my sleep is far from relaxing. For example, the dreams I can remember from last night involve my mum's best friend, my stepmum and my uncle all ending up in hospital with terminal diseases.
I don't know what to do about this predicament. I'm hoping that more yoga (once I'm done commuting) will help. In the meantime, I'm not sure what to do....valerian? I dunno.
For now, let the countdown begin: 10 business days until I'm done this job!!!
Posted by alegato at 9:16 AM | Comments (1)
August 18, 2006
She went and did it!
About two hours ago I gave my two weeks' notice.
I now feel liberated and at ease with my decision. It was the right thing to do, especially in light of my current circumstances (parent in hospital, 4 hours of commuting each day, boyfriend in London etc.).
My boss was very understanding and also told me that they've loved working with me and have been wanting to talk to me about a potential future with them. Unfortunately, for now, that simply isn't to be.
Yes, my stepdad is still in hospital, and we expect that he will be through the weekend. Just as he was about to be released the other day he started to bleed again. This is the problem with having just had surgery and having just had heart problems: recovering from major surgery, and taking blood thinners contraindicate one another. He was transfused with 3 pints of blood and is looking good and strong. It's a matter of waiting until his colon heals from surgery....All these emotional ups and downs are taking their toll on him and our family.
As for the job, it came down to the fact that I couldn't sustain my schedule any longer.
6:15am-wake up
7am- leave for work
9am-arrive at work
5pm-leave work
7pm- arrive at home, eat dinner that my mum has ready for me
7:15pm- go to hospital
9:30pm- get home
10pm-shower
10:30pm- bed
Alas, that half hour between 9:30pm and 10pm simply isn't enough to get done everything I need to do. This way, I will be able to be closer to my family, fit things that matter to me back into my life (i.e. yoga, friends) and have time to properly apply to jobs.
I know that I've done the right thing.
Posted by alegato at 10:34 AM | Comments (3)
August 17, 2006
Yuck.
Ew. Girl standing outside my office just imitated licking steak juice off of plate. Ew ew ew.
Although I have been dabbling in meat again lately (I blame this entirely on The Guy), red meat is still not on the menu.
And, anyway....EW.
Posted by alegato at 1:52 PM | Comments (0)
August 16, 2006
My life in point form
-Surgery went well (thank you all for your kind wishes), but was twice as long as expected, and therefore sitting in the waiting room was the most stressful experience of my life.
-Surgery was followed by serious, entirely unforeseen complications, of which I was made aware after 11 p.m. on Saturday night, after having shared multiple bottles of wine. Thus, I did not take this news well.
-Stepdad is on the mend and should come home from hospital today or tomorrow.
-This whole situation has left me stressed and exhausted.
-Anemia is the devil (thank you Ladies' Holiday).
-I can't remember what being well-rested feels like.
-My shoulders have been up around my ears for weeks and I can't seem to relax them. Consequently, I need a massage, but don't have time to get one.
-Am not doing full primary class tonight because (a) Too tired, (b) My hamstring attachment has been screaming at me incessantly, and (c) I'm trying to save money and think that $17 is absurd.
-Commuting is evil.
-I'm thinking about making a major change in my life sooner than planned. I can't write about it here. I can say that I'm not sure why I'm waiting to make this change, given that I hate the situation as it is. I hate waking up and dreading the day ahead of me. I think I'm scared of being labelled a quitter. But, you know what I think is worse than a quitter? Someone who stays in a shitty situation out of complacency and an unwillingness to take responsibility for the direction of his/her life.
-I just want to move in with The Guy and have a real life, i.e. not have to go through these weekend visits, which see us both moping around all day on Sunday, knowing that we're going to have to part ways at the end of the day.
-It's only 10:06 and my stomach is grumbling (a two hour commute makes me hungry even after a good breakfast), so I think I'll eat the pluot that's beckoning to me.
Posted by alegato at 8:55 AM | Comments (3)
August 10, 2006
Call for good vibes
I've come to the conclusion that ignorance is not bliss.
Since we've started getting more info on what's going on with my stepdad, everything has been easier. Of course, that's because we've been getting good info, but...nonetheless.
The doctors have isolated a tumour in his colon. The best news ever: nothing has spread. The liver is clear and the lungs are clear. That news caused everyone in our family to burst into tears of relief and happiness.
The most amazing thing to witness is the care he's been receiving. I call him the "celebrity patient." He worked in that hospital for 35 years and was chief of his department for over 20 years. He knows absolutely everyone (even the switchboard operator sent him her best!). They adore him. Tonight in the elevator, one of the nurses saw him and said, "It's our guest of honour!! Good luck tomorrow!" And then she saluted him. It's hilarious. And it's wonderful. And it's heartening.
Even more wonderful perhaps are the friends from med school, med school from which he graduated 50 years ago, who have called and driven from 2 hours away to come visit. It's touching and wonderful.
Tomorrow morning at 8 a.m. he's having surgery. They're removing nearly half of his colon. So, it isn't exactly minor, but it's being done laproscopically, which is nice.
So this entry is my shameless call for good vibes, good energy and/or positive thoughts to be sent in this general direction.
I'm confident that it's going to go well. He feels strong (in fact, other than the original bleed, he's had no symptoms at all) and he has tons of support.
Thank you to everyone for your kind words. You have no idea how much they've been appreciated and how much they've meant.
Much love and hope....
Posted by alegato at 7:37 PM | Comments (7)
August 9, 2006
Further evidence of the obvious
I've come to terms with the fact that I'm officially old and boring (well, to others. I find myself and my life quite amusing).
Excerpts from emails to Meg over the past two days:
"Yes, evidence that [The Guy} and I are old, married and boring: we spent the weekend shopping for, and then assembling, a patio table/chairs and a BBQ. And we enjoyed it."
"Further evidence that my life is boring (yet I enjoy it):
-The highlight of my day yesterday (other than hearing the good news [that the cancer hasn't spread]) was my lunchtime trip, with a co-worker, to a salad place down the street, which is very New York in that they do the whole create your own salad thing. It's my favourite place to eat lunch. Who doesn't love a good $10 salad?
-The highlight of my day today was getting notification that my black mat will be delivered today. Yes, like most normal people I used some of my birthday money to buy a ridiculously overpriced yoga mat that weighs 7lbs and I couldn't be happier, because now I can practise on carpet. Yessssssssssss.
-Highlight #2 of my day: Bad lady that I am, I'm practising full primary tonight with Katie. Full moon be damned!"
Yes, I'm a nerd.
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Edit: Clearly I'm not meant to practise today. In addition to it being a moon day, ladies' holiday just arrived two days early (better early than late!!). However, this does mean that I'll have time to go get my black mat from the post office and test it out with some restorative poses at home! Yippee!!
Posted by alegato at 9:34 AM | Comments (0)
August 8, 2006
Strength from unexpected places
My boss just walked into my office and gave me a calendar of daily affirmations. So thoughtful. Today's (very true) affirmation:
"When you examine stress-producing incidents, you always have the choice to stay with thoughts that produce anxiety within you, or to activate thoughts that make it impossible."
Paradoxical as it is, this weekend I found more strength once I stopped trying to "be strong," let everything out and allowed myself to feel. All credit for this goes to The Guy who told me to stop trying to be strong and just cry and cry and cry.
Posted by alegato at 2:37 PM | Comments (0)
August 4, 2006
Damn!
I've taken the day off work, because the idea of 2 hours of commuting, followed by 8 hours of work, followed by another 2 hours of commuting, all while in my current state of mind was entirely undoable.
I had every intention of going to mysore practice this morning. But, overcome by emotional exhaustion, I slept until 9:15 this morning. I can't remember the last time I slept that late. But I did. I must have needed it. I think I was holding in so much anxiety and tension that my body is now completely beat. I must have needed the sleep.
Posted by alegato at 9:22 AM | Comments (3)
August 3, 2006
No words
There are no words for this. No words that can even come close to explaining how I'm feeling or all the things that are running through my mind.
What we hoped wouldn't happen has happened.
I'm somehow surprisingly calm. I think we all knew on some level that this was coming.
My stepdad's attitude is incredible. He says that whatever happens happens. And his attitude has informed ours.
He's receiving amazing care...it helps that he was the chief of radiology at the hospital where he's being treated and he knows absolutely everyone who's looking after him.
I just gave my mum a big hug on my way to bed. I buried my head in her shoulder. She's the strongest woman I know. She said, "Sweetheart, we're going to be okay." I know she's right. But it still hurts like hell.
Posted by alegato at 10:09 PM | Comments (2)
About the yoga..
The weather's cooled off today thanks to a huge thunderstorm last night, but it was still hot and steamy and the the 40s (Celsius) yesterday. I almost bailed on practice. Not because of the weather, but because the Gay Husband and a friend from Montreal were in Toronto and gave me a ride back to Burlington. They were going out to dinner, I wanted to go so badly, because I haven't seen the friend from Montreal since the fall....but, at the last minute I bailed on dinner and went to practice. Yay for me!
Anyhow, it was so hot in there. It was like a steamy, sweaty inferno. I was sweating buckets by the time we finished our first sun sal B I was soaked. As in, dripping. As in, I kept getting sweat in my eyes when I had to look up in the virbidhrasanas. Needless to say, the flexibility was there, but I felt my energy getting zapped more quickly than usual. I started to lose steam around the Marichyasanas. I wasn't even doing vinyasas between sides, only between poses, because I was sweating so much and I was so hot I was afraid of heat stroke or severe dehydration, so I thought I could do without the extra heat building.
I kept slipping in Mari C, but somehow managed to hold on. In the bhujapidasana and supta kurmasana exits my legs were sliding down my arms. It got to the point by the end of the series that even my cotton mat was useless and slippery. I pulled something in my left calf in Setu Bandhasana, because I was trying so hard to keep my feet from sliding right out. Backbending. Oh backbending. On a night like last night when all my energy was gone, backbends took a lot of effort. My back was pretty bendy though and I was able to walk my hands in, but...I was spent after 3. Pathetic, yes.
One thing I really notice is my endurance. Or lack thereof. Sure, last night was particularly bad because of the heat, but regardless, my endurance has definitely waned. This is to be expected given my year without any significant practice. So, I'm okay with it....but it really makes me want to get back to where I was.
Given last night's superhuman flexibility, my hamstring insertion injury from two years ago is screaming today. My whole office smells like a medicine cabinet, as I sit with a Tiger Balm patch stuck to my leg. It feels like...well..mostly it just feels like burning.
I've decided that I really want to work on having a regular practice when I go back to London. I think I've finally come to terms with the fact that it's going to have to be a self-practice. But I'm thinking about getting in touch with this one lovely studio and finding out about the possibility of having open studio in the early morning. Not a class, but just an open studio for self-practice. I'm not sure if there will be a market for it, or if they'll even be open to the idea, but it's worth a try.
In terms of all the other stuff....I don't know yet and I've been too scared to call home. I just can't bring myself to do it. Going home tonight is going to be incredibly difficult. Thinking good thoughts....thinking good thoughts...
Posted by alegato at 1:37 PM | Comments (0)
August 2, 2006
Never been this scared
I've never been this scared of anything in my whole life.
I've been spending my time thinking positive thoughts, doing positive visualizations, but...tomorrow's nearly here. And I'm so f*cking scared.
My mum told me again tonight how worried she is. She told me that my stepdad hasn't been sleeping, and has been laying awake worrying. There's something truly disconcerting and deeply frightening about seeing your parents helpless and scared -- even when you're an adult.
I can't sleep. I don't think anyone can tonight. I'm trying my best to maintain a positive attitude, but the fear is really coming to the surface.
My practice tonight was hot and steamy and surprisingly strong. The high came to an abrupt halt when I got home to my mum's sombre face.
I just finished crying on the phone to The Guy. I thought that would console me, but the minute I got off the phone the tears, the sobs, they started again.
So I'm going to go back to bed now. And I'm going to think good thoughts and pray and hopefully sleep.
May all beings have happiness
and the causes of happiness.
May all beings have no suffering
nor the causes of suffering.
May all beings dwell in supreme bliss
free from all sorrow and suffering.
And may all being rest in great equanimity
free from all attachment, addiction, indifference and aversion.
And may all beings wake up
to recognize their true self-nature.
Posted by alegato at 10:13 PM | Comments (3)
August 1, 2006
Well this is frustrating!
So, I've decided that my mat has got to go. I've washed it in the washing machine, I've scrubbed it with lemon juice and tea tree oil and everything I can think of, but to be blunt: it still smells. Oh, and beacuse of it I now have little bits of blue mat attached to the bum of all my yoga pants. So attractive. So I decided that it was time to go for the big investment: the black mat. This will come in especially handy since I'll be practising on carpet in the new apartment.
I tried to purchase it on amazon.com, so that I could save $8, but alas, amazon.com won't ship something that large to Canada. They don't sell it on amazon.ca. So, I tried the Manduka site, but apparently they can't ship anything that large to Canada either. It's not Siberia people! It's connected to the U.S. Contrary to what many might believe, it's not the pony Express over here, we actually have a very sophisticated, modern postal service, that employs neither dogsleds nor toboggans to get our mail delivered!
So, now I don't know what to do. I can't seem to find a retailer here who sells them. I'll ask Katie tomorrow night where she got hers. And perhaps I'll give Manduka a call tonight and try to figure out if it's possible if I pay extra shipping and handling. What's a Canadian Ashtangi to do??
Tomorrow's practice should be interesting....we're in the midst of a dangerous heat wave that they're saying could be the hottest three day span on record. Today the forecast high is 36C(97F), but with the Humidex it's meant to be more like 46C (115F). I don't think I've been this warm since I was in Bangkok/Singapore/Bali/Cambodia. Well, not that I'm warm right now. No, indeed, I'm not. I'm bundled up in a pashmina...why, oh why, do offices feel the need to air condition to the point that I feel like I'm working in an igloo? Especially on days when the power grid is cleary going to be strained......silly, indeed.
I personally think that the Romans have it right. They have stands selling nothing but watermelon dotted throughout the city.
The purpose? To beat the heat, of course.
Posted by alegato at 8:55 AM | Comments (12)