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October 26, 2006
Damnstring
I landed on my mat yesterday after work, tired and run down, but craving the practice.
First uttanasana: damn, my left hamstring insertion (the one that went snap) hurts, but maybe it will loosen up.
Fifth uttanasana: okay still hurts a lot. Actually hurts more than before. Engage quads more. It will loosen up.
Prasarita series: Engaging my quads as much as possible, but hamstring still screaming.
Parsvotanasana (2nd side): Sh*t sh*it sh*t.
Utthita Hasta Padangusthasana (2nd side): F*ck f*ck f*ck.
I quit after standing. The thought of all the forward bending in seated made me cringe by this point.
The problem is this: ever since the first injury occurred, I've had quite severe pain whenever I need to sit for long periods of time. This usually occurred after long drives -- that was before I got a desk job. Now I have a desk job and have no choice but to sit for nearly eight hours a day. I suppose taking regular stretch breaks will help. And maybe it will come and go.
Last time it was this bad I nearly burst into tears in the middles of class. And when I explained the injury and the pain to the teacher then, he suggested taking a few days off to let it heal. Apparently I'm creating new, mini-tears in the tendon every time I practice. Great. I'm considering accupuncture, as I know this has worked for some other ashtangis.
I finished practising at about 6:15 last night...my hamstring was still throbbing by the time I went to bed at 10:45. And it's still aching right now. I guess this means class tonight isn't on the menu.
I'm so frustrated....that just as I'm getting back into my practice on a regular basis this happens. Oh well, I suppose it's all part of respecting your edge and not getting too attached....
Posted by alegato at 10:15 AM | Comments (3)
October 25, 2006
The White Coats are coming!
I grew up in a medical milieu, where dinner conversation revolved around Adenocarcinoma, barium enemas and yes, even fistulas*.
My parents worked in hospitals. All my parents' friends worked in hospitals. Hell, I even went through a long phase when I decided that I wanted, needed to be a doctor when I grew up.
So why, pray tell, is it that I suffer from what is quite possibly the world's worst case of White Coat Syndrome? I spy a blood pressure cuff out of the corner of my eye and I can immediately feel my heart rate pick up, accompanied by all the other trappings of anxiety.
(Incidentally, I actually have low blood pressure, so I'm not sure why the idea of getting my blood pressure checked scares me so much).
I just returned from my New Employee Health Appointment. Although I don't work in a hospital, I do work beside one and in the healthcare sector, so consequently it was mandatory for me to attend this most rudimentary of appointments.
Everything was going well -- even though I was actually sitting directly beside a blood pressure cuff -- until she mentioned something about bloodwork.
Me: "Now?"
Her: "Um, yes. Is that a problem?"
Me: "Um, no, but, um, right now?"
Her: "Yeah. It will just take a second."
Me (blood draining out of face): "Okay. But you need to know that I'm a fainter."
Her: "I'm glad you told me. You can lay down while we take the blood."
Me (now shaking): "Right now?? Like, today?"
I seriously need a support group.
*WARNING: Link not for the faint of heart!
Posted by alegato at 10:26 AM | Comments (1)
October 23, 2006
Acceptance
I don't know why, but I've felt entirely uninspired to blog lately. I think it probably has to do with the fact that since The Guy and I have moved in together I rarely sit down at the computer at home.
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Since my last entry things have changed for the better/less frustrating. I think that hitting that low point just made me say, "Fuck it. I need to find a way to get over it. And I need to adjust my expectations."
I am not going to have a teacher here. I might never have a regular teacher again. I need to be okay with that.
So, following that last entry, I went home, moved some furniture around so that I had just enugh room to practise. I laid out my mat, and off I went.
I've done the same thing nearly every day since then.
And it's strange: since I accepted the idea that this is just the way it is, I've had great introspective practices. Deep, regular breath. No unrealistic expectations. Just me, the mat and the breath.
The Guy was in the room the other day while I was practising. He hasn't seen me really practise before, he's only seen me sitting and doing weird ashtangi stretches while watching tv, reading etc. His first observation made me realize that my breath must be strong. He said, "Whoa....is Darth Vader in the room?" I tried to keep it together, but I couldn't, and I totally burst out laughing mid-vinyasa...and consequently collapsed onto the floor from upward dog. No one ever said I was graceful.
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The other really positive thing is that I found my own mini-yoga community. I went to a class (non-Ashtanga) about a week and a half ago and discovered a really awesome group of likeminded individuals. We chatted about India, asana, Kombucha, bandhas, ayurveda and jump throughs. They aren't ashtangis, but they've been reading/watching a lot about Ashtanga and are very interested in learning. We honestly hung out and chatted for over an hour after class. It made me so, so, so happy to find that community. They're interested in the idea of a self-practice group, and the teacher/owner said she'd be willing to offer up her studio space.
That made me happy beyond words.
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Th Guy and I spent a wonderful, romantic, fun weekend in Stratford. We went to the theatre, ate, drank and slept.
It was honestly one of the best times I've had in awhile.
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I spent the past weekend in Toronto. The Model has been going through a tough time. Last week, she broke up with her boyfriend (and another one of my close friends) of six years. We had a girls' weekend that involved a lot of chatting, laughing, dining and occasionally waxing nostalgic. It was wonderful and therpeutic for everyone.
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I think I've run out of things to say. As I said when I was talking to Meg last night, I have no exciting news. My life consists of the following routine: get up, shower, eat breakfast, go to work, eat lunch, go home, practise, make dinner, hang out with The Guy, go to bed.
And I really, really like it that way.
Posted by alegato at 8:22 AM | Comments (1)
October 11, 2006
Wit's End
Email of frustration I just sent to Meg:
Subject: Nostalgia, mediocrity etc.
from:Andrea
to: Meg
I've been insanely nostalgic lately.
I was just sitting here thinking about how magical it would be to still be an undergrad in Montreal (with all of us still there, of course)....going to class for a couple hours a day and spending the rest of my time sitting at home, cooking and listening to cbc Radio One, while snow falls outside. Um, romanticized image a little? Yeah. I know. The grass is always greener. Not that the grass isn't green here, but, I do miss the freedom of being an undergrad. Remember how we were able to fit yoga in almost every day? Remember how we had the freedom to spend all day (on a weekday no less) reading (poli sci course packs of course) at Starbucks? Remember that? *sigh* Oh my God...remember Pain de l'Inde????
This season makes me nostalgic.
And I worry about the mediocrity. I mean, I'm very happy in this life, but......is it possible to escape mediocrity while living in London, Ontario? I'm not sure.
So much of this, so much of this is fueled by the total and utter lack of yoga in my life, which frustrates me to no end. I can't practise in the morning, because there's no room in our apartment and no where that offers open studio moring practice. I can't practise at home after work, because, again, there's no room in our apartment. I can't practise in a studio because, oh, right, no one here teaches Ashtanga. And meanwhile, I feel like* I've grown a gigantic ass.
I found a woman who teaches a "vinyasa style" class. I'm going to her class tomorrow night and we're having tea afterwards to discuss the possibility of setting up an open studio morning practice somewhere...of course, this all depends on community interest, and, well, if there isn't any then I'm screwed.
Do you know what I keep dreaming about at night? No, not disgusting toilets or going to the bathroom in public [my usual recurring dreams]. I keep dreaming that we move somewhere like New York, or Toronto, or Montreal....and do you know what my first thought is upon finding out that we're moving?!? 'Yessssss.....yoga.'
I'm so fucking frustrated.
And I'm not even PMSing...that was last week.
Rant over.
Now make me feel better.
--A
*Let me be clear: by "feel like I've grown a gigantic ass" I mean to say, "I have grown a gigantic ass."
Posted by alegato at 2:07 PM | Comments (0)
October 6, 2006
Almighty Love
Oh where, oh where have I been? I've been nesting. And I haven't practised in way too long. And so I didn't want to write, because it makes me feel even more guilty than I already do. Looking over my entries from the past two and a half years, I realize that I'm the most undisciplined person I've ever met. And the only time I was ever happy with my level of practice was while I was in Mysore and before I went to Mysore. It's been downhill since then.
No yoga studios have gotten back to me about Ashtanga in this town. That serves only to fuel my anger. I mean, replying and saying, "Sorry, but we can't help you," would be far more decent than just ignoring me.
Things have been going well on the Living Together front. Until last night. There was a small tiff. It remains unresolved. And I'm sitting and stewing and can't concentrate on my work. I feel shitty and jittery and irrational. When I sit down and try to understand why I'm so upset I get nothing but a jumble of emotions and tears welling up in my eyes. I do seek to understand, really I do, but I don't know why he's upset; I only know that my feelings have been hurt and they're still stinging. Practise would be splendid, but Ladies' Holiday is upon me..with a vengeance this month.
Oh hormones.
Dealing with women rule number one: Do not step on a woman's feelings during Ladies' Holiday. Just don't. She will cry. She will be irrational.
Feeling the way I have all day today, on the inexplicable verge of tears, I'm longing for a grey day by myself..in Montreal. I feel like walking my worn out track around Mile End. Listening to Emm Gryner. Drinking bitter chocolat chaud. Then settling back into my comfortable Plateau apartment. Snuggling into bed and reading for hours before I turn the light off and become enveloped in the soft, cool sheets...alone.
Just for one day.
Of course, I wouldn't trade in what I have for my old city and an entire queen size bed shared with no one...I've been too happy where I am. Too content. I love climbing into bed and snuggling up to his warm body, hearing him sigh contentedly. I love when he surprises me with dinner. And when we spend all day Sunday snuggled up under a blanket on the couch.
But last night...last night he made me feel small. And I don't like that. I won't stand for that.
Tomorrow discussions will be had. Problems will be laid bare. Resolutions will be made. Happiness will recommence.
But today...today is for thinking, seeking to understand, wiping the occasional tear and remembering who I am.
On my iPod: "Almighty Love" --Emm Gryner
Posted by alegato at 12:41 PM | Comments (1)