http://blogs.ashtangi.net/butIwasalive/ Woke up this morning at 11:11/ Wasn't in Portland and I wasn't in heaven/ Could have been either by the way I was feeling/ But I was alive, I was alive... --Rufus Wainwright en-us Copyright 2006 Wed, 08 Nov 2006 09:04:40 -0500 Tue, 14 Nov 2006 15:03:49 -0500 http://www.movabletype.org/?v=3.31 http://blogs.law.harvard.edu/tech/rss In the interest of making things easier and more affordable for Julie, who has so graciously hosted so many ashtangi.net sites for so long, I've moved over to Wordpress. You can now find me at http://butiwasalive.wordpress.com... http://blogs.ashtangi.net/butIwasalive/archives/005991.html http://blogs.ashtangi.net/butIwasalive/archives/005991.html Wed, 08 Nov 2006 09:04:40 -0500 I'm working from home today. We're in the middle of a move at work that has rendered me workspace-less for the next two days. So, I lugged my files home last night, and am currently nestled at the table in my living room, drinking coffee (I had to spend awhile talking myself out of walking down the block to the cutest little cafe and picking up a latte), listening to radio and pouring over work email. I love working from home. Love. Some people say that they aren't very productive when working from home. For me it's the opposite. I actually get more done from home, because it takes away the social element. At the office I tend to chat. Can't do that at home unless I chat with the cat. But he generally doesn't respond, making it a fairly dull conversation. Basically, I like having my independence. See what happens: you send a kid to Montessori for seven years and she loses the ability to work in a structured environment for the rest of her life! -------------- I had another incredible practice on Sunday and again yesterday. I don't know what it is lately, but the at-home practices that I'd previously tagged as "boring" have now become super-concentrated and flowing. I think this has a lot to do with acceptance. When I was practising at home during grad school, I was thinking, 'This is only temporary. I can't wait until I'm back in a real studio.' Now my thought process is more along the lines of, 'It could be this way forever. I need to be okay with that and make the best of it.' And that seems to be working. I find it so funny/interesting how critical we are of ourselves in practice. I've stopped getting frustrated about my regression, because I realize that I took a year off from regular practice and therefore can't hold myself to the same standards I used to. But I still find myself thinking, 'You haven't really come that far. Yoga hasn't changed you that much.' Right. Okay. Except for the much healthier lifestyle, the calmer mindscape, the increased flexibility and the strength. The strength is one that always surprises me. Now: I'm strong. Then: for the first three months or so of practice I had to swallow my pride and come down onto my knees in chaturanga because I had zero upper body strength. Even if I have regressed physically, I think I've developed mentally, and regardless of how far I am in any given series, this practice makes me feel strong and proud of myself and my body and what it's capable of, and I think that's really something.... http://blogs.ashtangi.net/butIwasalive/archives/005980.html http://blogs.ashtangi.net/butIwasalive/archives/005980.html Tue, 07 Nov 2006 08:51:35 -0500 Mostly because it allows me the freedom to do things like, oh, I dunno, eat last night's dessert for breakfast without getting in trouble. Rationalization: it's oats with two kinds of fruit, so it's pretty much the same thing as breakfast cereal, only made from scratch and therefore healthier. Sugar is healthy, right? No? Oh.... http://blogs.ashtangi.net/butIwasalive/archives/005975.html http://blogs.ashtangi.net/butIwasalive/archives/005975.html Mon, 06 Nov 2006 15:05:05 -0500 I'm sitting here in the living room, looking out onto bare branches and grey skies, just waiting for the room to heat up enough (God bless our fireplace) for me to practice without having to wear a long sleeved shirt and socks. The hot apple cider I'm drinking helps too. Yes, it's a moonday. No, I don't care, not today. I just want to practise. The original plan was to go to a hot yoga class for the moonday, but that doesn't start until 10 and I knew I wouldn't get out of there until twelve. That would have left me exactly five hours in which to come home, shower, go to the market, go to the liquor store, prepare a multi-course meal that I've never prepared before and have the kitchen turned back into an orderly, tidy place before The Guy's parents arrive for dinner at 5 (because we need to eat early so that a certain companion of mine is free to watch the Colts-Patriots game at 8). Sure, this was all my idea. Sunday dinner seemed like a great idea, what with my latest domestic/nesting instincts and all. But then roast beef was suggested, and I agreed to make it despite the fact that (a) I don't eat it, and (b) I've never made it before. But it all seemed so traditional and lovely and family-centred, and since I'm a sucker for that shit, I couldn't resist. I think practice today will probably be faily improvisational. Cider has been drunk. Mat has been warmed. I'm off.... http://blogs.ashtangi.net/butIwasalive/archives/005968.html http://blogs.ashtangi.net/butIwasalive/archives/005968.html Sun, 05 Nov 2006 09:39:05 -0500 Practice after work yesterday was, well, to be completely honest, it was incredible! Not incredible like I suddenly busted out full second series without ever trying before, or anything. No, that would be more along the lines of miraculous. Incredible. Yes. After three days off for the LH I needed to be back on my mat. I thought about it all day. Got home. Chilled out for a little while. Unrolled the mat. And off I went. A's, B's, standing, seated...whoa, I'm at supta kurmasana already? How did that happen? It felt light and effortless. It was so straightforward. No frills. Just simple and strong. Usually what happens is that at some point during the janu sirsanas I start thinking, "Ugh, so much more to do and not enough energy." Maybe it was the three days off, but yesterday there was none of that. Did all the poses, even the one I hate more than...anything. I stopped at supta kurmasana, but I'm not sure why...could have kept going and finished out primary. It was the first time in awhile that I didn't have any time constraints. Usually I have to leave work, rush home, roll out mat and practise before The Guy gets home (otherwise major distractions come into play). But, last night he was prepping for a trial and was at the office until about 10, so I had all the time in the world. Lovely. -------------- This is the first weekend in about six weeks that we have absolutely no plans! I'm not sure what to do with myself. I'm trying to decide whether early November is too early to start shopping for Christmas decorations. Ohhhh...maybe a trip to the Saturday morning farmer's market would be nice. Yes, I think that would be swell.... http://blogs.ashtangi.net/butIwasalive/archives/005961.html http://blogs.ashtangi.net/butIwasalive/archives/005961.html Fri, 03 Nov 2006 09:37:43 -0500 On Sunday afternoon I was cold and bored and didn't feel like sitting on the couch and watching football with The Guy, so I decided to go take a class at the Moksha studio that is three short blocks from my house. I've taken a few Moksha classes in the past, and while I've never really minded them, I've also never really found them to be anything really thrilling. I had such an amazing time on Sunday though. I loved it. I think it has a lot to do with having other people in the room. I've suddenly become a led-class slut....as in, I'll do anything to take a class with other people, wait, that still sounds sexualized and it's not supposed to....anyhow. I miss having the energy of other people. I'm thinking of *gasp* taking a couple Moksha classes a week. Blasphemous? Not to me. It's all yoga (it is, but that's not to say that I don't take issue with a number of things at Moksha, but I'm going to keep them to myself). And taking a couple classes a week with others motivates me to maintain my own practice at home. My hamstring is feeling much better having taken Thursday, Friday and Saturday off from any practice. When those flare-ups occur, which isn't too often, they're very painful and, for me, the best cure is a few days of rest. On that note, I've been thinking a lot about Ashtanga and injuries and how they're dealt with by Ashtangis. I have a lot of opinions on the topic, mostly surrounding the notions of attachment to the practice, physical progress and respecting the edge/what our bodies are telling us. But for the sake of peace and not starting any discussions that I know will only result in ruffled feathers and an agreement to disagree, I'm keeping these thoughts to myself. Ladies' Holiday started four days early on Monday. It's been okay, thanks almost entirely to the medical marvel that is Ibuprofen (Motrin, I love you). I might practise after work today, it all depends on how I'm feeling. And can I just say that I hate having to wear business casual clothes during LH? All I want to do is put on some comfy yoga pants and not have to face the fact that I'm grossly bloated. Our Halloween was uneventful. We carved a pumpkin, roasted the seeds and were warm and cozy in bed by 10 o'clock. It was the first time in years that my Halloween involved neither wigs, nor fake eyelashes, nor copious amounts of alcohol. I've never been so happy to be "boring." I'm loving my life.... http://blogs.ashtangi.net/butIwasalive/archives/005942.html http://blogs.ashtangi.net/butIwasalive/archives/005942.html Wed, 01 Nov 2006 09:41:10 -0500 I landed on my mat yesterday after work, tired and run down, but craving the practice. First uttanasana: damn, my left hamstring insertion (the one that went snap) hurts, but maybe it will loosen up. Fifth uttanasana: okay still hurts a lot. Actually hurts more than before. Engage quads more. It will loosen up. Prasarita series: Engaging my quads as much as possible, but hamstring still screaming. Parsvotanasana (2nd side): Sh*t sh*it sh*t. Utthita Hasta Padangusthasana (2nd side): F*ck f*ck f*ck. I quit after standing. The thought of all the forward bending in seated made me cringe by this point. The problem is this: ever since the first injury occurred, I've had quite severe pain whenever I need to sit for long periods of time. This usually occurred after long drives -- that was before I got a desk job. Now I have a desk job and have no choice but to sit for nearly eight hours a day. I suppose taking regular stretch breaks will help. And maybe it will come and go. Last time it was this bad I nearly burst into tears in the middles of class. And when I explained the injury and the pain to the teacher then, he suggested taking a few days off to let it heal. Apparently I'm creating new, mini-tears in the tendon every time I practice. Great. I'm considering accupuncture, as I know this has worked for some other ashtangis. I finished practising at about 6:15 last night...my hamstring was still throbbing by the time I went to bed at 10:45. And it's still aching right now. I guess this means class tonight isn't on the menu. I'm so frustrated....that just as I'm getting back into my practice on a regular basis this happens. Oh well, I suppose it's all part of respecting your edge and not getting too attached....... http://blogs.ashtangi.net/butIwasalive/archives/005903.html http://blogs.ashtangi.net/butIwasalive/archives/005903.html Thu, 26 Oct 2006 10:15:40 -0500 I grew up in a medical milieu, where dinner conversation revolved around Adenocarcinoma, barium enemas and yes, even fistulas*. My parents worked in hospitals. All my parents' friends worked in hospitals. Hell, I even went through a long phase when I decided that I wanted, needed to be a doctor when I grew up. So why, pray tell, is it that I suffer from what is quite possibly the world's worst case of White Coat Syndrome? I spy a blood pressure cuff out of the corner of my eye and I can immediately feel my heart rate pick up, accompanied by all the other trappings of anxiety. (Incidentally, I actually have low blood pressure, so I'm not sure why the idea of getting my blood pressure checked scares me so much). I just returned from my New Employee Health Appointment. Although I don't work in a hospital, I do work beside one and in the healthcare sector, so consequently it was mandatory for me to attend this most rudimentary of appointments. Everything was going well -- even though I was actually sitting directly beside a blood pressure cuff -- until she mentioned something about bloodwork. Me: "Now?" Her: "Um, yes. Is that a problem?" Me: "Um, no, but, um, right now?" Her: "Yeah. It will just take a second." Me (blood draining out of face): "Okay. But you need to know that I'm a fainter." Her: "I'm glad you told me. You can lay down while we take the blood." Me (now shaking): "Right now?? Like, today?" I seriously need a support group. *WARNING: Link not for the faint of heart!... http://blogs.ashtangi.net/butIwasalive/archives/005896.html http://blogs.ashtangi.net/butIwasalive/archives/005896.html Wed, 25 Oct 2006 10:26:19 -0500 I don't know why, but I've felt entirely uninspired to blog lately. I think it probably has to do with the fact that since The Guy and I have moved in together I rarely sit down at the computer at home. ------------- Since my last entry things have changed for the better/less frustrating. I think that hitting that low point just made me say, "Fuck it. I need to find a way to get over it. And I need to adjust my expectations." I am not going to have a teacher here. I might never have a regular teacher again. I need to be okay with that. So, following that last entry, I went home, moved some furniture around so that I had just enugh room to practise. I laid out my mat, and off I went. I've done the same thing nearly every day since then. And it's strange: since I accepted the idea that this is just the way it is, I've had great introspective practices. Deep, regular breath. No unrealistic expectations. Just me, the mat and the breath. The Guy was in the room the other day while I was practising. He hasn't seen me really practise before, he's only seen me sitting and doing weird ashtangi stretches while watching tv, reading etc. His first observation made me realize that my breath must be strong. He said, "Whoa....is Darth Vader in the room?" I tried to keep it together, but I couldn't, and I totally burst out laughing mid-vinyasa...and consequently collapsed onto the floor from upward dog. No one ever said I was graceful. ----------- The other really positive thing is that I found my own mini-yoga community. I went to a class (non-Ashtanga) about a week and a half ago and discovered a really awesome group of likeminded individuals. We chatted about India, asana, Kombucha, bandhas, ayurveda and jump throughs. They aren't ashtangis, but they've been reading/watching a lot about Ashtanga and are very interested in learning. We honestly hung out and chatted for over an hour after class. It made me so, so, so happy to find that community. They're interested in the idea of a self-practice group, and the teacher/owner said she'd be willing to offer up her studio space. That made me happy beyond words. ----------- Th Guy and I spent a wonderful, romantic, fun weekend in Stratford. We went to the theatre, ate, drank and slept. It was honestly one of the best times I've had in awhile. ------------ I spent the past weekend in Toronto. The Model has been going through a tough time. Last week, she broke up with her boyfriend (and another one of my close friends) of six years. We had a girls' weekend that involved a lot of chatting, laughing, dining and occasionally waxing nostalgic. It was wonderful and therpeutic for everyone. ------------ I think I've run out of things to say. As I said when I was talking to Meg last night, I have no exciting news. My life consists of the following routine: get up, shower, eat breakfast, go to work, eat lunch, go home, practise, make dinner, hang out with The Guy, go to bed. And I really, really like it that way.... http://blogs.ashtangi.net/butIwasalive/archives/005883.html http://blogs.ashtangi.net/butIwasalive/archives/005883.html Mon, 23 Oct 2006 08:22:47 -0500 Email of frustration I just sent to Meg: Subject: Nostalgia, mediocrity etc. from:Andrea to: Meg I've been insanely nostalgic lately. I was just sitting here thinking about how magical it would be to still be an undergrad in Montreal (with all of us still there, of course)....going to class for a couple hours a day and spending the rest of my time sitting at home, cooking and listening to cbc Radio One, while snow falls outside. Um, romanticized image a little? Yeah. I know. The grass is always greener. Not that the grass isn't green here, but, I do miss the freedom of being an undergrad. Remember how we were able to fit yoga in almost every day? Remember how we had the freedom to spend all day (on a weekday no less) reading (poli sci course packs of course) at Starbucks? Remember that? *sigh* Oh my God...remember Pain de l'Inde???? This season makes me nostalgic. And I worry about the mediocrity. I mean, I'm very happy in this life, but......is it possible to escape mediocrity while living in London, Ontario? I'm not sure. So much of this, so much of this is fueled by the total and utter lack of yoga in my life, which frustrates me to no end. I can't practise in the morning, because there's no room in our apartment and no where that offers open studio moring practice. I can't practise at home after work, because, again, there's no room in our apartment. I can't practise in a studio because, oh, right, no one here teaches Ashtanga. And meanwhile, I feel like* I've grown a gigantic ass. I found a woman who teaches a "vinyasa style" class. I'm going to her class tomorrow night and we're having tea afterwards to discuss the possibility of setting up an open studio morning practice somewhere...of course, this all depends on community interest, and, well, if there isn't any then I'm screwed. Do you know what I keep dreaming about at night? No, not disgusting toilets or going to the bathroom in public [my usual recurring dreams]. I keep dreaming that we move somewhere like New York, or Toronto, or Montreal....and do you know what my first thought is upon finding out that we're moving?!? 'Yessssss.....yoga.' I'm so fucking frustrated. And I'm not even PMSing...that was last week. Rant over. Now make me feel better. --A *Let me be clear: by "feel like I've grown a gigantic ass" I mean to say, "I have grown a gigantic ass."... http://blogs.ashtangi.net/butIwasalive/archives/005803.html http://blogs.ashtangi.net/butIwasalive/archives/005803.html Wed, 11 Oct 2006 14:07:47 -0500 Oh where, oh where have I been? I've been nesting. And I haven't practised in way too long. And so I didn't want to write, because it makes me feel even more guilty than I already do. Looking over my entries from the past two and a half years, I realize that I'm the most undisciplined person I've ever met. And the only time I was ever happy with my level of practice was while I was in Mysore and before I went to Mysore. It's been downhill since then. No yoga studios have gotten back to me about Ashtanga in this town. That serves only to fuel my anger. I mean, replying and saying, "Sorry, but we can't help you," would be far more decent than just ignoring me. Things have been going well on the Living Together front. Until last night. There was a small tiff. It remains unresolved. And I'm sitting and stewing and can't concentrate on my work. I feel shitty and jittery and irrational. When I sit down and try to understand why I'm so upset I get nothing but a jumble of emotions and tears welling up in my eyes. I do seek to understand, really I do, but I don't know why he's upset; I only know that my feelings have been hurt and they're still stinging. Practise would be splendid, but Ladies' Holiday is upon me..with a vengeance this month. Oh hormones. Dealing with women rule number one: Do not step on a woman's feelings during Ladies' Holiday. Just don't. She will cry. She will be irrational. Feeling the way I have all day today, on the inexplicable verge of tears, I'm longing for a grey day by myself..in Montreal. I feel like walking my worn out track around Mile End. Listening to Emm Gryner. Drinking bitter chocolat chaud. Then settling back into my comfortable Plateau apartment. Snuggling into bed and reading for hours before I turn the light off and become enveloped in the soft, cool sheets...alone. Just for one day. Of course, I wouldn't trade in what I have for my old city and an entire queen size bed shared with no one...I've been too happy where I am. Too content. I love climbing into bed and snuggling up to his warm body, hearing him sigh contentedly. I love when he surprises me with dinner. And when we spend all day Sunday snuggled up under a blanket on the couch. But last night...last night he made me feel small. And I don't like that. I won't stand for that. Tomorrow discussions will be had. Problems will be laid bare. Resolutions will be made. Happiness will recommence. But today...today is for thinking, seeking to understand, wiping the occasional tear and remembering who I am. On my iPod: "Almighty Love" --Emm Gryner... http://blogs.ashtangi.net/butIwasalive/archives/005782.html http://blogs.ashtangi.net/butIwasalive/archives/005782.html Fri, 06 Oct 2006 12:41:27 -0500 To: yoga@lotuscentre.ca Subject: London yoga resources I'm an Ashtanga yoga practitioner who's just recently moved to London, and I'm trying to find my place within London's yoga community. I know that the Lotus Centre doesn't really offer Ashtanga classes, but I'm wondering if you know of any Ashtanga practitioners in town who do offer classes, and/or who maintain personal mysore style practices. Really what I'm hoping to do is establish an Ashtanga morning self-practice group, as I find that practising with others is so beneficial to both energy levels as well as the creation of a community. If you have an tips, suggestions, resources, or know of anyone who would be interested, please let me know. Thanks so much, Andrea... http://blogs.ashtangi.net/butIwasalive/archives/005723.html http://blogs.ashtangi.net/butIwasalive/archives/005723.html Tue, 26 Sep 2006 14:19:16 -0500 Yes, I've been AWOL. No, nothing major's happened. You know. Just the usual stuff. --I moved in with The Guy --I inteviewed for a new job --I got the new job --I started the new job --I had two amazing practices last week --I am blissfully, emphatically, insanely happy ....more later.... http://blogs.ashtangi.net/butIwasalive/archives/005687.html http://blogs.ashtangi.net/butIwasalive/archives/005687.html Wed, 20 Sep 2006 07:39:23 -0500 Shit. I made my mum sad. I am making my mum sad. My mum is sad. I got home from an extended long weekend at The Guy's place and told her about my plans to officially move there next Saturday. She got angry. I was surprised, as I thought she'd be proud of me for doing all the planning myself. Instead she was upset that she wasn't part of the planning process. I thought she'd be happy when I told her my brother, dad and stepmum had offered to help (as she usually complains that they've never helped me move), but instead she was upset that I hadn't asked her to help. And then the whole truth came out. She's really sad that I'm leaving. She misses me when I'm not here on weekends. I know that I just have to keep living my life. If my stepdad was still in hospital of course I'd stay here. But he's not. And I knew it would hurt her. I've been racked with guilt for weeks. But once my stepdad came home and things seemed to settle down and I left my job...I just figured that she knew what was coming next (and she did know, it's not like I've been deceitful about my plans). But it still sucks to hurt your mum. It really does. And there's this whole loss of innocence that occurs when you see your parents need you just as much as you need them. So I'm sitting. And I'm a little weepy. And I know that my decision is made, and that it's the right one, but I feel like since everything happened this summer, everything feels bittersweet. Everything is tinged with anxiety. Every time the phone rings I brace myself for the worst. And something that I'm really happy about makes my mum sad. Practised this morning. Fell asleep for 15 minutes in savasana. Practice again tomorrow morning. Now I'm going to go to bed and repeat the sentence, "I am not a bad daughter," over and over and over again, until I fall asleep.... http://blogs.ashtangi.net/butIwasalive/archives/005592.html http://blogs.ashtangi.net/butIwasalive/archives/005592.html Tue, 05 Sep 2006 22:42:14 -0500 Right now: I have no explanation for the fact that it's 9:39 a.m. and I'm starving. At 7:00 a.m. I ate a perfectly good breakfast of whole grain cereal with banana slices and local blueberries. And now? Hunger. Grumbling stomach. This may or may not have something to do with the 2 hour commute. Usually I have a few almonds as a mid-morning snack, but it seems too early for almonds. Hmph. ------------------ Before: It feels like it's taken forever for the last five days of my job to pass. And my boss has given me an inhuman amount of work. So much work that it simply is not possible for me to finish. In fact, I'm not sure I could finish it even if I worked for the next 36 hours without stopping (not that I would ever dream of doing that...I have plans tonight!). I do feel a lot less stressed out though, as things at home have been better. And I got a fabulous deep tissue massage on the weekend. Finally someone listened when I told them I wanted deep tissue work. It worked wonders...I honestly didn't stop talking about it for about, 24 hours afterward. However, I have a bone to pick. Actually, a couple bones. First of all, at the end, the therapist told me that two of my ribs, between my shoulder blades have "popped out of place." I gave her an odd look and inquired as to how that might happen. She told me it could happen from sitting at a desk a lot and thereby developing weak lats/pecs. And then she told me to practice bringing my shoulder blades back and together 12 times per day. Right, because 60+ chaturangas aren't enough! Bone #1: Oh dear Ashtangis, we all know that Ashtangis do not have the weak backs. In fact, one of the things I'm constantly focused on is making sure that I'm using my lats and not my trapezius. Also, the pecs....definitely not weak and are definitely used a lot, a LOT in Ashtanga, as I know Julie would confess. However, I didn't feel like launching into a whole schpeel about Ashtanga Yoga and how it isn't just a bunch of people wearing white, chanting om, lightly stretching and you know, levitating. From now on, must only go to RMTs who are familiar with yoga and its various forms. Bone #2: Upon discussion with my stepdad, the radiologist, and my mum, the professor of medical imaging, it came to my attention that it is simply not possible for ribs to "pop out of place." Well, at least not without some muscle/tendon tears and an insane amount of pain. So now, despite the wondrous massage, I don't want to go back to this therapist because I (a) question the therapist's knowledge, and (b) I question that therapist's motives, as the therapist's employer also offer chiropractic services, and in fact, I was pushed to make an appointment with one of the in-hous chiros, which I turned down. ------------------------ Soon: Applefest IV is a mere one week away. The Former Roommate and his boyfriend are coming in from Montreal. Meg is coming in from New York. Planning is underway. So far, my part of the menu involves the preparation of an apple-almond cheesecake, savoury apple turnovers with blue cheese and caramelized onions (no recipe, as these are my own personal creation), and a sweet potato, apple and fontina galette (in the September issue of Gourmet). Great. Now I'm even hungrier. ----------------------------- The stuff that's just starting to dawn on me: Remember how The Guy asked me to move in with him, and I was all excited and a-twitter? Yeah, well now that I'm actually going to be done my job in Toronto, I actually have to move in with him! Not that I don't want to. Oh, I want to. It's just more like, 'Shit...this is a serious, adult relationship! How/when did that happen?!?' I'm thrilled and delighted...and I can't wait to get my hands on those empty wine bottles that he thinks are nice decoration on the mantle. Those are going in the recycling bin!... http://blogs.ashtangi.net/butIwasalive/archives/005554.html http://blogs.ashtangi.net/butIwasalive/archives/005554.html Thu, 31 Aug 2006 08:40:24 -0500