girmander

the verdict on tabo... he IS getting fixed. the damage to him will probably be ~7k and they value my car @ 11k which means that he's over 50% but not the 80% to be a total loss. i'm torn because i really took care of the car (contrary to what he looked like on the outside and somewhat what he looked on the inside... i mechanically took care of him). but this was a pretty bad wreck and it will KILL me if 2 years down the road i have to drop some serious deniro to get something fixed becasue i KNOW it was because of the accident. but then i could have no problems. it's now a 50/50 toss up when before it was 100% sure that it was normal wear and tear. but then i could sell/trade him and THAT is a whole new can of worms that is going to stress me out.

i aslo hit my head against the driver side door. which at the time i had no idea how bad i would feel. yeah i felt "foggy" and out of sorts but i couldn't figure out if it was because of the accident or the hit on the head. so as the week went on, i felt worse and worse. so, my doc prescribed that i don't lift anything heavy (including myself) and i go to PT. which is KILLING me. the day before the accident i ran 5mi and i had my bike up on the rack to ride 26mi and my yoga practice was being pieced back together. now, i have nothing. all because of a woman who ran a red. but, at least PT is nice. i get the "spa treament" of PT. basically for whiplash injuries, it's massage, light stretching, hydrotherapy and electro/ultrasound therapy.

i asked the PT dude when i can start doing stuff again and he was like.. uhh hmmm, now? nothing. i actually tried running monday and that was the most horrbile and excruciating run ever. and he was like yeah, bad idea. so, i'm forcedto be a couch potato until this thing heals.

ahimsa... ahimsa... ahimsa....

ugh...

So little time
Try to understand that I'm
Trying to make a move just to stay in the game
I try to stay awake and remember my name
But everybody's changing
And I don't feel the same
-everybody's changing (hopes and fears)
keane

futher evidence that the family unit is forever changing: my sister is moving to AZ to take a job with a design firm there.

i knew that this was inevitable. i mean it started with me moving out. granted i stayed fairly close to "normal operating procedure (NOP)" and that was cool because i was in the same town and we saw everyone at least once a week.

then my sister moved out to be with her husband and that was rough. but, it was good that she could be with the west coast fam and at least she has some NOP out there.

but then my brother went away to grad school and even though i tried to go along with NOP it was hard becuase my brother was only back home maybe once a month.

and the the little one wants to move out which...whatever. i have opinions about that. but, at least he's in the same city finishing school.

but THIS, this is big. my twin born 4 years later is leaving. and there will be no NOP with her gone. it's just me and the little one trying to make sense of what this means. or hmmm, me trying to make sense of what this means.

don't get me wrong. i'm happy and glad and she deserves to go. and i'm sure she'll do well and it'll be great and she'll be closer to where my parents will retire. which mean me and the lion have to think about what that means when he graduates.

after having 28 (29 years in 4 days) of a modis operandis of how our family was, this is just sooo different. and i have to face up to it. this happens alot earlier to sibling who go away to college. but my parents prolonged it even more when they decided that we were going to stay home and commute to school. sometimes i think i have more seperation anxiety than my mom. ha.

since family as i know it is changing forever, i think i'm going to get inked. the lion isn't too keen on the idea. but, i've thought about this alot. i want it to mean something. i'm not doing this cuz it's cool and it'd be cool to have a tattoo. i'm doing this because it represents "us" the original 5. so, i don't know. i have ideas but i'm not solid on what i want.

i think it's most frustrating being "slightly off" than "really not yourself".

being "really not yourself" lends sympathy to the issue and clearly you can not do what you used to do or function the way you used to function. the vulnerability and the tendancy to do things out of the ordinary are excuseable and a given.

but, now being "slightly off" tricks you into thinking that you're normal and that you can resume your normal pattern of living. if you have bad days getting back to normal, you can't fall into the warm trap of empathy and succumb to eating really badly or doing nothing. it just really puts you back to square 1 - and folks this is where i'm at. i just have this itch to push myself to normal in therapy. how do you let go and just say "normal" will come in time?

i have such an urge to push myself. to practice satya (truthfulness) was so hard. probably because in my head i know what i used to be able to do and to fall short of that was crushing. so then i focused on santosha (contentment) being able to participate somewhat and to enjoy the journey. you wonder why these are the yamas and the niyamas and when you actually practice them you totally understand why. those yogis... so clever. it's so hard to practice that observation and detachedness. the path to enlightenment for me is pretty pathetic. i wouldn't be surprised if i came back as a bug. haha