girmander

Some sort of window to your right
As he goes left and you stay right
Between the lines of fear and blame

- how to save a life; the fray

it's finally 07. it's a year of changes, accomplishments and celebrations. i am truly grateful for how my family turned out. this past holiday i felt that our love and support for each other is greater than it's ever been and it makes me so happy. i know now that my parents are happy with us and how we turned out. my parents have gained a new son this past year (hi hoolie!) and will gain another one this year (the lion). my mother couldn't be happier.

i know i have it pretty good. and it's easy to forget that you have it pretty good until your past comes to visit - i hadn't seen him in 8 years. we grew up 6 houses apart and he hung out with my brother. his younger brother would come over and play with my sister who is the same age. for god sakes, his parent's carry-out is just down the street from my parent's restaurant.

we dated for a short while. he was my first boyfriend. we fought about why he wouldn't go to prom and he said he wanted to marry me (@ 16!!). i told him it was imperative that i go to college and graduate on my own terms. he realized that he didn't want to be a doctor, dropped out, knocked a girl up and married her. i was so mad at him - so much potential down the tubes.

we drifted apart. i was in self loathing mode and dated someone who i thought would fix my problems for 4 years. who wouldn't love an ivy leaguer aspiring to be a doctor? my self esteem was rock bottom that last year. i thought long and hard about the life i wanted and broke it off. we went our seperate ways and i've never looked back or wondered *what if*.

during that time and subsequently after when i started dating the lion. we lost touch. my brother and him seriously lost touch. so, it was quite the surprise when he walked in yesterday at my parents while i was talking to my high school friend. they also have a connection because she dated one of his HS friends. i almost didn't recognize him. he was probably 30% gray - he's only 2 years older than i. 2 kids, a wife and running the carry-out. worlds apart from me - 0 kids, not married and working in IT.

so, i had asked about his kids, his wife, and his parents. the parents are retired; which is good. they worked hard. he said he was doing well but, i could tell he was tired. then i asked about his younger brother.

he said, well he's doing nothing and working at some call center wasting his life with drugs. i was shocked. really shocked. he said it started our with smoking out but, then it escaladed to cocaine and then to heroine. i guess he's not allowed near the house and his mother spent 17g's on trying to get him clean. he said we've pretty much let him be

i thought about my life and my family's life. and how far we've come.

i've never been so grateful.

do androids dream of electric sheep? philip k. dick think so. i'd like to think so. i have a lot of electronics i rely on. and i pack them up everyday and they follow me around like sheep.

but as of 1/1/07, it seems that my electric sheep are running away from me.

here are my errant sheep:

1. my HD failed on my powerbook ~ $330 to replace
2. my left ear of my noise canceling headphones (sony MDR-NC11) has died ~ $99
3. my phone is flakey and my contract with verizon has ended ~$100 for the phone w/ a 2 year contract

so, i'm starting the new year semi-unwired. this type of event seems to happen to me in 2-3 year cycles and i have to shell out some dough on electronics. for those of you who know me, i *hate* to buy electronics. i don't really see the point of buying a electro-toy to have it depreciate 50% when i buy it and then 75% in 3 months because some newer, faster, smaller, hotter, cuter thing comes onto market. it kills me. KILLS me. and you would think this is a 633k 61rl, why wouldn't she like to buy electronic gadgets? the depreciation! *shudder*

the computer... that is a must. i have to get it fixed. as much as i'd like a decked out macbook pro stuffed to it's wires with RAM, i don't have 3g's to blow. and the core software suite i use hasn't been released for the core 2 duo macs (yet... for my mac @ work) i curse myself out loud and under my breath for missing the renewal of apple care by 10 days. hence 330 buckaroos

i decided to investigate sound isolating headphones vs noise cancelling headphones this time around. i liked the MDR-NC11's because of the actual physical cancelling qualities of it. i *really* didn't like the battery pack that hung in the middle of my wire to produce the white noise. i've taken those headphones to multiple trips to cali, vegas, chi-town, bean-town, japan and HK. and they were great on a plane. but, they really blew in the logisitics and neatness department.

since you get like 1/2 a seat on a plane that fits a person that's like 5'5 and under, i'm like a giant at 5'10. i adapt the *i'm uninterested, leave me the f*** alone* mentality. so, if you encounter me on the plane. i'm the one with headphones on and ipod @ 70% of the volume. so, i take headphone quality VERY seriously. so, i invesitgated headphones for 3 weeks. i came across bose, bang and ofsten, sony, shure, and v-moda. there is a stipulation on headphones. in-ear = good ; closed ear = bad. i'd like to lay my head on my side without giving myself a crick in the neck. and i tend to take trips on planes longer than 4 hours. long story short, i picked the shures because of the reviews and it doesn't hurt that most professional musicians use their product. *bonus* it comes with a great carrying case! much better than the 5 cent fake velour bag the sony's came in.

and the phone... it's a phone. but i hated how my lg looked. despised it. nothing against verizon. they actually have good coverage. i just wanted a GSM carrier. it did irk me that i had to have a seperate package to call internationally. not like i do it all that often. but, i did want to call my best chick friend in shanghai. and to get call blocked blew. not only that skype is a bit flakey period.

to get myself off of verizon, it ended up getting a backup phone. i thought about the razr but the lion convinced me to get the samsung trace. i like it alot. at first i didn't like it at all but, it's definitely growing on me. but, i got the nokia 7370 as my phone i will be using for everyday use. poshy posh!

i will give props to verizon for releasing the chocolate and the enV. it's just that i want to call internationally natively.

...

that game was truly abysmal.

the lion was right. it was worse than USC vs UM

moving on...

i've tried writing an entry for the past 2 weeks. i open up MT and then it sits there for the whole day, i get busy, i ignore it, and then i tab over to it and i get disgusted with myself and close the window. This type of behavior pretty much sums up my whole first month into 2007.

i can't even qualify it as a "malaise" about what is going on around me. it's like i'm witnessing my life changing in front of me but, i'm not a participant - if that makes any sense...

i should be happy. i get a free day now, my parents have more free time and everyone is supportive of my parent's decision. strangely enough, i really don't know how to work in the parameters of not knowing where my parents are at any given time. it's not like i call them constantly or they call me constantly but, i *always* knew where they were *if* i needed to get a hold of them. it's silly, i know. but i'm silly.

on a random note.. i really can't believe i went to this school my senior year *shakes head*