So I continue to learn, more by my mistakes than anything else. I have difficulty trusting people and difficulty letting go and this time it has affected one of the most important friendships in my life. My dear friend Stephen asked me to take over his teaching position, one I had applied for a year previously so I jumped at the chance. But in the meantime I was afraid that things wouldn't come through. I had to quit the teaching job I had which was a risk to accept this job even though that meant I would be unemployed for a few months, another risk. But risks aside I did it. He was there for me through all of my panic attacks and defended me to whomever I felt I needed to be defended. I went back home to Canada for the final 6 weeks and here's where it all went wrong. Email is a very dangerous thing and I've shot myself in the foot with it before so I don't know what was going through my head this time. But he had sent me an email about the possibility of him coming back to work after some time away to give me some time off - I freaked out and accused him of making decisions about my life without consulting me, etc., etc. Of course after I sent the blow up mail I calmed down and sent an apology of which he graciously accepted. But then we spoke on the phone and the subject was broached again. I brought it up to to give the air a final clearing and instead it got worse. He told me it was just in my nature to react the way that I did, which is true. It's something I'm working on but to hear it from someone I love was hurtful. The more I tried to explain myself thee deeper I dug myself into a hole. And now, even though at the end of the conversation we said we would email and talk before I was to return to take over the job, he won't respond to emails or messages. And so I feel I have lost someone very close to my heart. This is not the way I want to learn lessons in life! I don't want to hurt those closest to me out of fear and insecurity. He has always been kind, loving, and patient with me but I guess he has lost his patience with me and I have noone but myself to blame. Now all I can do is give it time. I have sent him another email telling him that I was wrong and now I have to let it take it's course. My friend Michelle, who is very like me, showed me a prayer someone gave her called "Let Go Let God" that talks of someone who has asked for help from God. But God doesn't seem to be solving the problem quick enough. They lose patience and take the problem back asking "Why did you not help me?" And God's reply was, "I couldn't. You never let go."