Self Practice

It has been a hard practice week for me. Everything has felt multiple times harder than normal, my shoulder has been hurting on and off both during practice and during the day. I am interested in how my mental and emotional stability is affected by my physical stability and the perceived quality of the practice from day to day.

I modified my regular practice again since my shoulder wouldn't take much today. I practiced up to navasana and then went to closing. It was touch and go for awhile there whether I would cry out in anger/self-pity, which looking back on it after an hour or so of distance seems kind of silly. But, at the same time the practice means a lot to me.

I think what is happening is the pranayama practice I am doing right before my asana practice is bringing up a lot of latent emotions/mental states I have regarding my practice. I am carrying around quite a lot of mental baggage in regards to what I think and feel about my practice. What it should be like. How things aren't good if I'm not feeling strong.

I don't want to come off as a whiner or a complainer, but at the same time I want to declare my weaknesses openly, honestly, and up front. The fact that Ashtanga Yoga crushes me physically, mentally, and emotionally from time to time is not a fault of either the practice or me as an individual. In fact, it is a reason that I chose as intense a practice as Ashtanga, and continue to try to practice it at an intensity suited to this type of transformation.

I am looking for change, for growth. At the same time, like in the midst of rechaka kumbhaka, I am aligning with the complete stillness and unity of reality. It has always been like this: quiet.

Love,
Andy